Replace 'Why' With 'How'.

As we all know, we should never ask a person why they did something as this is a word that places blame. Rather, we should use the word how instead.

Never say to a person "Why did you do that?" It is accusatory, sounds condescending or arrogant, and makes the other person feel guilty. Ask the same question using the word how. "How did this happen" or if you must "What was the reason for this happening."

Organisations spend most of their time asking questions as to why things happen rather than how they happened when things go wrong in business. When using the word why what they are actually asking is who is to blame.

In a similar vein, we ask ourselves why when things go wrong in our lives. "Why does this always happen to me, why do bad things always happen when I am a good person, and why can't I get what I want."

The reason why the word why is such a negative word comes from our childhood. When we made mistakes as an infant, our parents would always use the word why in a blameful way. "Why did you do that when I told you not to" we would be scorned. 

The word why limits our thoughts and our brain shuts down our creative side due to the negative connotations associated with this word.

The word how on the other hand has positive associations. Returning to the childhood analogy, when our parents asked us how something happened they often did so in a way that was inquiring so that we would learn from our mistakes.

The next time something goes wrong, use the word how.  How did this happen, how can we avoid this again, and most importantly, how can we move forward.

Making someone smile can be just as rewarding as smiling yourself.

Procrastination, Me? Let Me Think About That For A While!

Procrastination may be causing you more harm than you actually know. Procrastination eats away at you, it always sits in the back of your brain, lurking, waiting to pounce when you least need it to.

So why do we procrastinate? I recently read a suggestion that there are three reasons for procrastination;

1.      Ruminators - We can't make a decision so delay it.

2.     Avoiders - Because of a fear of failure we don’t want to start the task.

3.     Perfectionists - Those who aren't happy unless they can give something 100% effort and now is not that time.

For me, none of these resonate. I procrastinate because I think that what I am about to undertake is either too hard or it is not urgent enough yet. Looking at each;

1.      Too hard - I put things off if I think it is too hard in the hope that an idea will come to me eventually. And often it does but always in the last minute which leads me to the next reason.

2.     Not urgent enough - I have a false sense that if something is left until the very last minute I will be under pressure and because of that I feel that I work better under pressure. And we do to a point.

The problem with both of these excuses is that I haven't resolved to get onto what it is that I have to do and it plays on my mind. So what do I now do to overcome this?

I start something and then leave it until I need to finish it. I have found this is a great way of alleviating the worry that comes from not doing something but allows me to work under pressure at the last minute and finish the task to the 100% self-requirement.

Doing part of a task has many advantages;

1.      I have started the task so I know it is underway therefore I am less worried about it.

2.     Starting something puts the idea into me head and my subconscious continues with the task in my head, giving me ideas for when I get back to it.

3.     When I do complete the task I am armed with the latest information therefore the task is relevant and up-to-date.

When doing nothing is not an option, and you don't think it is right to finish it immediately, just do half. This will relax your brain knowing that you have at least started it and ideas will start to flow.

And by the way, do get onto the small stuff, don’t ignore it. Small stuff will build and become big stuff if you procrastinate. Just choose your small stuff wisely.

Stop Looking Backwards

History is important so that we learn from our mistakes. If we continue to look back at our mistakes we will never truly move forward.

10 Common Resilient Factors

We all want to know why it is that some people can face adversity better than others. Research conducted on those who have survived terrible events revealed their secrets.

It was found that those who bounced back quickly from adversity had the following common factors. I shortened them down (a lot) and made them relevant for you;

1.      Confront fears - If you are afraid of doing something, you need to do more of it. When we are afraid of something it plays on our mind just like procrastination, all the time fearful that we are going to have to do it at some point. Ensure that you do what it is you are afraid of a small piece at a time to gradually introduce it to your brain.

2.     Maintain optimism - Research shows us that being optimistic and remaining positive can add 7 years to your life, medicine can only extend your life for 3 to 4 years. If you want to hang around for a few more years, choose to be happy.

3.     Accept support - Asking for help, and accepting it without question, makes us feel good inside. Additionally, our neural pathways (those things that make our brain work properly) increase and grow linking the different parts of our brain together.

4.     Imitate strong people - Not just strong people, happy people. Look at what strong and happy people do and you do the same. Also, don't sit with people who moan and gossip, sit with those whose company you enjoy.

5.     Rely on your inner compass - Always go with your 'gut' feeling. Know that it is not actually your gut, it is a deep part of the limbic system in your brain that is unaffected by emotion and communication.  

6.     Accept what you can't change – Continual change is here to stay, you can't fight it so embrace it. Also leave guilt and regret behind you, it is just wasted energy.

7.     Concentrate on your health and wellbeing - Some say we only have a certain number of breaths while others will tell us they want to slide into the grave while still partying. Know that if you look after your body and your brain you will find enormous pleasure and you won't need to party all the time to enjoy yourself.

8.     Find humour in adversity - Emergency service workers do this, they make a joke about terrible things that they have seen and the horrible tasks that they had to do. This lessens the impact on their wellbeing. By doing so the brain thinks the event is a joke therefore doesn't react negatively to the event.

9.      Use the traumatic event to grow - Look at the positives in what happened and learn from what you didn't do so well. Mindfulness is about being in the moment and looking forward. If we keep looking back when we are walking forward we will hit something.

10.  Turn to spiritual practice/s - Religion, yoga, meditation, self-talk. All of these things can help you to foster and grow. Talk to that little person who sits inside your head, you know the one, the one that you often deny is in there. He or she is there alright, we all have at least one.