Let's Stick Together

I have been reading with interest the latest research on the benefits of socialisation. I have been banging on that socialisation is one of the three most important things that you can do to keep yourself well. Nice to have it reconfirmed.

When I am looking at what does and doesn't work to keep us well for my resilience programmes, I firstly look at myself and see if it would work for me. When I was unwell I noticed that I didn't want to talk to anyone, I wanted to hide myself away. When your brain is unwell it tells you crazy stuff so you should generally do the opposite of what it says.

The next thing I do is look at how I feel when I do what 'they' say that I should do to stay well. Whenever I talk to my friends (yes, I have a couple) I come away feeling relaxed, satisfied, even energised. I am no longer surprised at how we are all the same no matter our race, religion, culture or belief. We feel the same things. 

Next I listen to what the experts have to say, in this case it is the psychologists. And all of them say that we need to get out and talk more, to meet new people, to talk with others at every opportunity. And not just talk, to share, to listen, to reflect.

Then I look at what research tells us. Why I leave this aspect until the very last is beyond me. My brain is an idiot. Having recently attended a positive psychology conference I found myself sitting in front of a researcher. I know, not what I was expecting either, I was supposed to go to the session on group dynamics. I was pleased that I didn't.

This man was fascinating despite the statistics which always make my eyes glaze over. He spoke about how he always kept an open mind about psychology and how he focussed solely on the results. And his recent research proved to him that socialisation was one of the most important things that we can do to change our mood.

Finally, I look at what we as humans did in the early years. We can learn a lot from evolution. In the early times there were no phones, emails, television, radio, or any of the distractions of today. We (not actually us, humans) sat around a fire and talked to each other. Or maybe just grunted, who knows. The fact is that socialisation was the only way that we could pass on messages. 

There you have it, from Lance to academia to evolution. (You can throw the Lance bit out, what would he know). All agree that socialisation is hugely beneficial for us. Test it for yourself. The next time you are feeling under the weather go and talk with someone then note how you are feeling afterwards. Much better I am sure, provided you spoke with the right person of course. 

Let's stick together and talk.

Balance or Balancing?

A common quote says that getting the best out of life is all about balance. The right amount of work balanced with the right amount of play, or family time.

Balance is a balancing act however. If we want to get ahead at work or school we have to work a bit harder. (Don't suggest that we can work smarter rather than working harder because you have to think about how you can work smarter which in itself is working harder).

So what does balance mean? It means different things to each of us. The best way I have found to get the balance right in life is to list my values and then my goals.  

Values are those things that are important to us and if broken, will break our brain. Our life won't have balance because it will now be filled with guilt and regret. You will spend your days thinking about why you shouldn't or should’ve done something. 

You will know what your values are, they are intrinsic, they come from inside. List just three. They could be honesty, loyalty, and happiness. Ask Dr Google for help if you need to find a value that resonates with you. 

Goals are next. What do you want to achieve in three areas of your life - home, work, and personal.  Why did I list them in this order, because for me home and family are my foundation. Work is next on the list for me. I have a business to run and need it to succeed so that my family is taken care of. You may wish to reorder work and personal goals.

Now list the goals, three is a good number, five is okay, any more than this and you may end up disappointed when you go through your goals and see that you haven't achieved as many as you listed. Some say not to set limits, I like to be realistic. Your goals must be aligned to your values.

Every so often, have a look at your goals and see if they are still appropriate. You may have to modify them as you start to work on them because our life changes. Remember to concentrate on all three areas of your life, so often we focus on work to the detriment of our home and self.

As life is so busy these days we need to take a breath to centre ourselves, to refocus. Listing our values and goals is a good way of doing this. Try it and watch how you actually achieve more as your brain focuses on what is important to you, not what is important to others.

I Hate My Brain

Isn't the brain stupid? For such a complicated piece of our anatomy it can be so ridiculous at times. Why is it that my brain puts up so many barriers to prevent me from learning new things, from meeting new people, from trying new challenges, or from thinking differently.

I have read that it is evolution that has done this to my brain. Our brains have somehow taken on the learnings of our forefathers. What I am being told is that my brain hasn't adapted to our ever-changing world. I don't know enough (yet) to be able to answer that fully but there is no doubt that this is the case. 

However, what I do know is that my brain has learned to be wary of new things, to be cautious, to even be afraid. My parents added to my fear of new things to keep me safe. 

Now my brain keeps fear alive in me to protect me. I tell myself that I don't need protecting, I want to try new things, I want to meet new people, I want to think differently. And I certainly succeeded in thinking differently as I am sure those who have read my posts or seen me at a workshop in an event will attest. 

But I went too far. I challenged my brain, tested it, took it to the limits, and then went beyond what evolution and my parents tried to show me. I pushed evolution and my brain bit back. I had become so accustomed to doing new things that I wanted more. I wanted to see how far I could go. I was living the most exciting journey, and it broke me.

So what's the purpose of this post, to encourage you to fight your brain? No, to challenge your brain but always to remain cautious. The adrenaline that fear and excitement brings is a drug, it's addictive. We want more and more of it. 

Go out and try new things, meet new people, challenge yourself, take your brain out of its comfort zone. But do so carefully. If you don't, your brain will eventually win.

It is all about balance which will be a topic for tomorrow.

Mindfulness

I learnt a new term recently, mindfulness. I had heard the word before and thought that it was one of 'those' words used by psychologists when they talked about what they do in their job. And it is but not the way that I thought.

I was always someone who had no empathy towards those who needed a psychologist. Harden up, get on with it, you don't need it. Only weak people need psychologists, or those who have a mental disease.

Of course those who have heard my story know that I fell over, I had a brain sickness. I was told at the time to recount past, to acknowledge it, and to move on with my life. And I did. But what I missed out on was being in the present while I moved forward.

As I now learned, mindfulness is about being in the present. Psychology Today describes mindfulness as "Instead of letting your life pass you by, mindfulness means living in the moment and awakening to experiences".

I wish I had done this when I was unwell. In my rush to get better, I missed the experience of getting well. I was either thinking about how I could get better or dwelling on the past filled with regret. If I had thought more about the 'now' I would not have thought so much about the 'then'.

We do need to remember where we have come from so that 1) we know what happened so that we can avoid it again and 2) we know how far we have come and reflect on our advances. But we should not keep going back to the place where we once languished.

For me, mindfulness is about enjoying the present while looking forward to the future. 

Changing Habits

I read somewhere that it takes just 21 days to change a habit, that's fantastic I thought. In just 3 weeks I can change a pattern of behaviour, learn a new habit, get rid of those horrible thoughts, and become a new person in no time at all.

Unfortunately whoever started this 'myth' was either being optimistic, encouraging you to at least try to start changing, misinterpreted the original information or was simply being disingenuous.

You cannot change a habit in 21 days, I am sorry, it doesn't quite work like that. There maybe a recent habit that you can change in 21 days, perhaps a word that you learned, a facial expression you started using, or maybe a physical 'tick' that just suddenly appeared. But not a lifetime habit, or one that is associated with evolution.

So how long does it take to change a habit? It depends. There are no hard and fast rules when it comes to the brain. You are fighting a lifetime of learning, sometimes even generations of habit. Generally, it takes between 60 to 80 days to change a habit of a lifetime.

There are some important rules to follow when changing a habit;

• Stick to it - A new habit has to become a habit but will only become a habit if you do it habitually!
• Don't change it - If you continually play around with your new habit by altering the pattern it won't become a pattern.
• Habits need hard work - Don't give up just because it hasn't worked as fast as you had hoped it would.
• Small steps - If your habit is a big one, break it into small bits. Change a little at a time.
• Share your habit - If you have a close friend who is also changing a habit, work together to support each other.

Don't be disappointed if you can't change your habit, after all you are only human. Maybe you were meant to have that habit.