I'm Just Different

Having only been around running my own business for less than a year, I still wonder if I have made the right decision to start a company at my stage in life.  After all, I have worked for someone else for the last 40 years.

Should I just go and get a real job. Am I rushing into things too quickly, are the risks too great, what happens if I fail, will the sun still rise tomorrow. I have friends who have gone through the same thing as I have and they always encourage me to keep going.  Self-doubt is normal I know, but who wants to be a failure.

At every presentation I have given, at every workshop I have run, at every meeting I have been to, I am told that I am different and almost everyone agrees that they want to see more of what I do. There will always be a few that I can't engage with, that think I'm not very good, that don't want to hear what I have to say.  As difficult as it is, I ignore their comments.

The other day I had to present in front of a group of lawyers, doctors, and social workers.  Wow, what a tough gig. How do you engage with this crowd? Nothing different was my answer. Have faith that people want to know what you have to say. Sure, some aren't going to enjoy your presentation. You can't please everyone right. But the majority will like what you do because you are different.

We all suffer from a bit of navel gazing at times, lots of pondering as to whether we are doing the right thing or not. The important thing is to keep going. Why? Because you are different.  We all are, and that is what makes us unique. 

I have a few more gigs on the radar that I will be wondering the same thing. I have been engaged to talk to academics at a university. The very people who taught me things during my studies. I now know that not all in the room will enjoy my presentation but the majority will.

How do I know this, because I will find why I am different and use that to engage the audience. "Hands up who has talked to a murderer while he held a knife to another prisoners throat" I will say for my opening line.  I doubt that a hand will be raised.  Got you, my point of difference.

You may have similar roles to others, similar traits, similar looks, but you are unique. That is what you need to hang on to, to promote more of. You.

Don't Be Afraid

They say that making a speech is one of the most frightening things that you can do, and I agree. There was a time when just the thought of speaking in front of an audience made me break out in a sweat and butterflies would dance around inside my stomach. That’s not very good for someone who has spent the last 15 years speaking in front of people. I was always fearful of standing in front of others and became very aware of how I would panic as I was talking and would often forget what I was about to say.  

So how did I overcome this fear that most of us have? (To be honest, you never actually overcome the fear, it’s just become a little easier.) Practice, practice, practice. Just as psychologists use immersion therapy to help their clients overcome fears and medical specialists use desensitisation to get their patients accustomed to something they have an adverse reaction to, you can use the same technique. The more you do, the easier it becomes.

When you have a speech to make, write it out in at least 14 size font and in 1.5 paragraph spacing. This makes it easy to read when you are under pressure. Next start to memorise the important points of the speech so that when you lose your place, and you will, you can find it much easier. Plus you will have the opportunity to look at the audience more often if you know what you are about to say. Next, use a highlighter pen to make the important words stand out more. Again this is helpful to find your place if you become flustered.  

If there is a lectern available, stand firmly behind it with your hands gripping either side. This will stop you from moving about and the audience won't see your hands shaking. Don’t grip it too tight as you don’t want the audience to see white knuckles. When it comes time to turn the page of your speech, don't hide it, make it obvious and take your time in doing so. Periodically, look up just above the heads of your audience as you are talking. The more that you do this the more relaxed you will become.

The way in which we hear or own voice is sometimes off-putting. We tend to hear every little squeak or waver. Don't worry about this, ignore it as others won't hear it. If you are worried about how you sound then record your voice and play it back and correct whatever it is that you want to. Another way is to download a software programme that allows you to hear the sound of your own voice while you are talking. Standing in front of a mirror as you practice your speech is another good way to practice.

I wish that I had done some of these things early on in my speech-making days, I didn't. If I had perhaps it would have saved me a lot of worry.

Running Effective Meetings

Many books have been written about how to prepare for meetings but few talk about emotions. It is important to prepare no matter what type of meeting you are going into but just as important as getting the material ready is the need to control your emotions.

When you enter meetings, whether you are running it or not, your emotions are going to be heightened. It may be you are excited, apprehensive or fearful. Your heart will be racing and adrenalin surging. Take a long, slow, deep breath. Hold your breath once you inhale to slow your heartbeat. Walk into the meeting standing tall which will give you confidence. Victims of crime are chosen because they walk hunched over, don’t be a victim. If you have a small part to play in the meeting stay alert regardless as complacency or boredom often lead to silly statements.

Have a glass of water handy and sip from it regularly. When we get nervous our mouth dries because our metabolic energy from our digestive system – the salivary glands are part of the digestive system – is sent to your muscles for energy. Just watch out for shaking hands when you go for that drink, spilling the glass or missing your mouth is embarrassing.

Another interesting point about taking a sip of water, it distracts your brain from defending yourself. When we are nervous our neurons rush to our aid by sending alerts to our physiological system. You can’t stop it and you wouldn’t want to because this hardwired response keeps us alert (and alive). But you can control this response. By taking a drink of water we have to think about the action then take the action. Doing this distracts some of our neurons to enable us to pick up the glass, enough to control our nerves.

You can also distract your brain in other ways. Pick something up and put it down again. Move an object on your desk, slide your chair in and out, any physical action that interrupts your thought of being nervous.

I am not a fan of stress balls by the way, those little rubber soft squishy (is that a word?) furry balls. If we squeeze them every time we get anxious or brain familiarises itself with that action. You may recall an experiment where Ivan Pavlov rang a bell prior to feeding dogs. Dogs salivate before eating. Pavlov would ring the bell, the dogs would know that food was soon to arrive and would salivate profusely. In time, the dogs would salivate at the sound of the bell despite no food being present. In a similar way, if you were to inadvertently pick up the stress ball and start squeezing it your brain will think that you are under stress and you will become anxious.

Lastly, if you are running a meeting please keep it short. We are all very busy and sitting in a meeting for hours is a waste of all of our valuable time. Have an agenda and strictly adhere to times.  Stay on track, ideas flow more freely when we have a time restriction.

You Want to Meet Where?

Most workplaces operate in an open plan environment therefore have breakout rooms in which to hold meetings. Often we use the same meeting rooms for all manner of workplace discussions including performance management meetings, debriefs, and counselling. If the meeting room is in view of the employee’s work colleagues then this can affect their ability to hear your message.

When the same room is used solely for performance and formal meetings where discussions are centred on improvement then it may not be such an issue. Just be aware that the employee is wondering (worrying) more about whether they are in trouble than what you are saying. The message is lost because of heightened emotions. That’s why it is important to get your message out early.

An often used technique in performance improvement meetings was the praise sandwich, sometimes called the s**t sandwich. The reason for the latter phrase is because the bad part of the conversation is discussed between two good things. What happens when you use this technique is that the person hears only the good things that they are doing, then you said something about what they could do better and then you said something good. Guess what the person hears, “I’m doing really well”. Forget the praise sandwich, get to the point. What are they doing wrong, what is the result, and how can they improve. Short and simple. It’s about the way that you deliver the message not the message itself that will annoy people so work out how you are going to deliver your message before the meeting.

If you are meeting to discuss a personal issue with the employee, your message will definitely get lost if you use the same room as you do for performance meetings. The employee thinks that they are entering the room for a performance discussion only to be told that you want to talk to them about a personal issue. While well-intentioned, the employee's emotional state will increase due to relief and apprehension, relief that they aren't in trouble and apprehensive about what you are going to say.

Additionally, the employee will be wondering how they are going to explain to their colleagues that it wasn't a performance meeting you were discussing but a personal issue that the employee may not want to disclose. Then there is the problem of what the colleagues are thinking if the employee doesn't disclose what the meeting was about - is it good or bad, does it affect me, am I going to lose my job? If the employee exits the room in tears, you can double the emotional impact on everyone.

To overcome this dilemma, try to hold meetings in a variety of breakout rooms and preferably out of sight of other employees. Definitely don't hold meetings of a personal nature in the room where you hold other meetings, meet off site in an informal setting such as a Café. This will ensure the employee is not so stressed and if they become emotional their colleagues won't see.

I CAN'T SLEEP!

If you are active in your work and home life, your brain will always be working hard and won’t slow down at night. Here are some tips that may be helpful;

• When you have finished work, you need to tell your brain that it is time to stop. You can do so by having some form of practical action accompanied with a mantra to get your physiology & psychology (body & brain) working together. When you arrive home, as you turn the door handle to enter your house, say to yourself “work is over”, “I am home”, or “time to relax”. Some statement that tells your brain that it is time to stop and helps differentiate work from home. Do this for 66 days (sorry, it takes that long to change your pattern of behaviour) and you will find in due course that just by opening the door your brain will automatically switch to ‘home mode’.

• Go for a walk in the evening to calm your brain.
• Exercise creates endorphins which helps you to sleep so get some form of exercise daily during the working week. 30 minutes medium-to-high energy walk is enough.
• If you can, get out in the sun for half an hour each day – don’t use sunblock as you need to absorb vitamin D plus this will help build your melatonin levels which is needed at night for you to go to sleep.
• Don’t use any electronic devices (phone, i-Pad, e-reader, etc.) at least one hour before bedtime. Your brain will think that you are back at work and the back-light doesn’t help much either.
• Make sure your room is completely dark – we used to live in caves that were really dark so your brain is accustomed to total blackness at night.
• Have a hot shower 30 minutes before bedtime. As the brain cools, it sends a signal to that it is night-time.
• When you are in bed, don’t have too many blankets on. If you feel a little cold, that is good. The brain needs to cool down for you to sleep. Too many blankets = too hot = brain won’t stop = bad dreams = argh!
• Your brain will be rushing as you become anxious at trying to get to sleep and not achieving the goal. Your brain hates to lose. If you can do so, try to think about nothing. To do this, look into the darkness of your closed eyes and keep looking at it intensely. That is the best method of slowing your brain. If you can’t do that then think of something pleasant and stay focused on that one thing. It could be a beach, a river, even a tree. If it is a tree, look at the branches, then then leaves, then the veins on the leaf, then the holes in the leaf. The idea is to distract your brain from thinking about the fact that you can’t sleep. Your mind will keep going back to the fact that you can’t sleep, when this happens stop your thoughts and go back to your ‘happy place’.
• If you get up in the night, don’t turn the light on. To your brain, light equals daytime.
• We go through 2 to 3 REM cycles per night, each cycle gets deeper. If you had a bad night, you have probably slept but only had one REM cycle. Our brain de-frags during REM sleep.
• Don’t continually worry about not getting enough sleep. If you are struggling to get to sleep after a week or two then go and get some expert advice. Worrying about sleep puts your brain in the wrong head-space when you eventually do go to bed.

Sweet dreams.