Listen To me Damn It!

Sometimes when we are communicating with others our mind will wander off. This is because the average person talks at 150 words per minute while our brain can comprehend 600 words in that same time.

Have a look at these listening lapses and see how many you do:

* Do you think of the next question while the other person is still speaking?

* Do you ask a question and then listen just for the answer you want to hear?

* Do you start talking without really knowing what you are going to say?

* Do you interrupt people because you think you know what they are going to say?

* Do you interrupt people because don't like what they are saying?

* Do you lose eye contact because you are disinterested in what the other person is saying?

* Do you get fidgety or annoyed when you have to listen for more than 10 seconds?

* Do you often wish that people would talk faster?

* Do you finish off other people's sentences?

* Do you interrupt when people say something that you've heard before?

* Do you change your thoughts as someone is speaking because you've wrongly guessed what they were going to say?

* Do you regularly do most of the talking?

* Do you let your thoughts wander away when people say something you don’t agree with?

* Do you associate low intelligence with someone who talks slowly or has a disability?

* Do you talk louder when speaking with someone who has a disability?

* Do you raise your voice and/or stand up when you want the caller to stop and listen?

* Does your voice change to sound arrogant when you know that you are right?

Work on the ones that you need to so that you will be a much better listener and others will enjoy your conversation more than they do already.

How To Actively Listen - 8

There are many variations of active listening available on the internet. Over the next few days I am going to take you through the eight strategies used successfully world-wide by those involved in crisis negotiations.

A summary is a long paraphrase and is used towards the end of a communication.  Once you believe the conversation is close to a conclusion, go over the facts of the conversation in your own words.  Ensure that you cover the important words so the message remains the same as told to you and do so without any of the emotions the other person would have spoken of.  

What you are doing is putting their story into your words.  This continues to assist with the rapport building process and confirms that you have the facts accurate.  Ask for clarification if you have parts incorrect.

It is often a great idea to add an emotion at the end of your summary such as “...and because of this you feel frustrated/annoyed/angered/confused.”  Again don't worry if you don't quite have the right emotion label. 

A summary is also helpful to end a call for those people who just won't go away.  The summary indicates that you are coming to the end of the communication and it is time to move on. 

So, there are the eight strategies of active listening skills.  They are used in varying forms with various names across industries such as sales, marketing, PR, and interviewing.  Try focussing on open questions and minimal encourages first until this becomes natural for you then introduce paraphrasing and reflecting.  Keep I-messages and emotion labelling for particularly difficult communications.

Tomorrow I will look at empathy and rapport, both necessary in controlling difficult conversations.

How To Actively Listen - 7

There are many variations of active listening available on the internet. Over the next few days I am going to take you through the eight strategies used successfully world-wide by those involved in crisis negotiations.

Effective Pause & Silence

An effective pause is a short piece of silence placed at the beginning and at the end of an important statement which helps to highlight what you are saying. It is like a verbal bold and underline to reinforce the delivery. As humans we love to communicate and we dislike silence, we like to hear noise all the time.  (Too often though we like to hear the sound of our own voice!)

A short pause used in this way will get the person's attention as they listen intently for a sound, your next words.  Don't leave the pause for too long otherwise it will interrupted by the person asking you a question and your important message will be lost.

Silence (not saying anything) is a longer pause and used a number of ways. The first is when someone is talking flat out and allows you to identify their problem.  When someone is talking the best thing to do is to let them continue so that they can maintain their flow of thoughts. Stopping someone in mid-flight is similar to stopping someone during a sprint race, they will have to start again slowly to gather momentum.

Another use of silence is when a person is being untruthful.  At the completion of their sentence, restrain from talking despite your inherent desire to do so, and watch how effective it serves your purpose. If the person is lying and asks if you are listening, respond with “Yes, and I want to ensure I record what you have said accurately”.  This is a way of signalling that you disbelieve their last sentence and recording it for future reference.

A further use of silence is when someone is reluctant to talk.  Generally, the less that someone is talking the more we have to talk as this will encourage dialogue.  If this doesn’t work however then resort to saying nothing and wait for a response.  They will eventually ask if you are still there and you respond with “Yes, and I want to hear what you have to say”.

Tomorrow we will look at the last of the eight strategies for active listening, the summary. 

How To Actively Listen - 6

There are many variations of active listening available on the internet. Over the next few days I am going to take you through the eight strategies used successfully world-wide by those involved in crisis negotiations.

I-Messages

An I-Message is about you, hence the name.  The main use of this strategy is to confront a behaviour that is impacting on you or that you do not like.  For example if someone is using profanity during the communication or continues to yell at you despite your best efforts to curb the behaviour.

The way it is taught to crisis negotiators is to say “I feel (then say how you are feeling about their behaviour) when you (describe the other persons action or statement) because (why does it impact on you)”. If we use this example for the people who are swearing at you, you would say “I feel frustrated when you swear at me because I am just trying to help”.

In some cultures this would work, it also works well when used in crisis communications but can sound disingenuous and perhaps a little 'weird' in everyday use so you change it to something like “I am having trouble focusing on helping you when you swear at me”. You have said the same thing just phrased it differently. Another option is to say “I can hear that this is important to you, I would like to get to hear more however the swearing is distracting me”.

The reason we use an I-message counters what I have told you previously about focusing on the other person.  The reason for the swap is if you were to start your sentence with the word 'You' it is like starting with the word 'Why', it blames the other person.  "You should stop swearing because I don't like it" will soon get you a hostile response. Always start with the word ‘I’.

Tomorrow we will look at effective pauses and the use of silence, how to stop highlight verbal communication, get people to talk who wouldn't otherwise do so and confronting dishonesty.

How To Actively Listen - 5

There are many variations of active listening available on the internet. Over the next few days I am going to take you through the eight strategies used successfully world-wide by those involved in crisis negotiations.

Paraphrasing

Sometimes called rephrasing, rewording or reframing, after a relevant period of time it is a good idea to briefly go back over what the other person has said so that you have a good understanding of what they said, their circumstances and how it has made them feel. You do this by taking what they said and placing it into your own words. You can either work backwards from their last statement or work in the same order.

Start by saying, "If I hear you correctly.....:, or "So far you've told me that.....". Ensure that you include the same key words that they used so that you don't lose their message. At the conclusion of your paraphrase it is often good practice to confirm with the person that you have the facts recorded accurately.

This technique shows the person that you are genuinely interested in what they are saying, have heard them and are attentive to their needs. This technique works well in a Call Centre environment as it shows the person that they are speaking with a real person and not a robot of the organisation.

Be careful not to downplay what the person has experienced when paraphrasing. You do this by reflecting back to them their emotions at the end of paraphrase by saying "....and because of this you feel frustrated". If the conversation is a long one, paraphrase every 5 minutes or so.

Tomorrow we will look at 'I' Messages, how to stop inappropriate behaviour.