How to Actively Listen - 4

There are many variations of active listening available on the internet. Over the next few days I am going to take you through the eight strategies used successfully world-wide by those involved in crisis negotiations.

Emotion Labelling

In difficult communications, for example when someone is yelling at you or is sad, gaining empathy then establishing a rapport is a great way to give you an understanding of what the person is feeling and enables you to move forward much sooner. (I will examine empathy and rapport later in this series). So how do we do this when their emotions are running hot?

The secret is to never let an emotion go without acknowledging it in some way. This disarms the emotion and allows the person to move forward. The way it is taught in crisis intervention is to say "You sound ...." and then describe the emotion. For example, you would say "You sound angry" to a person who is yelling or "You sound sad" to someone who is crying. While this works in crisis situations it is too extreme for everyday communications.

Phrases such as “This sounds important to you, I can hear that”, “you sound angered by this”, or “I can hear that you are frustrated” are good emotion labels for angry people. Often when someone tells us about a tragic event we immediately say “I’m sorry for your loss”. This works however when we use the word sorry it impacts on us personally, sorry is a personal word. It might be better to say “I can’t imagine what that is like” or “Would you like to take a minute” or perhaps “How can I make this easier for you?” You are still acknowledging the emotion (sadness) but keeping it at arms-length.

By following these statements with “Please take your time” will indirectly provide them with support and the person will usually take a breath. Don’t worry if you don’t get the emotion correct, the person will soon tell you. They might say "Angry, you have no idea", or "I'm not angry, I am just damn well frustrated". You would reply "Tell me more about what happened" for the angry people or "Let's get this sorted quickly for you" to the sad.

Remember that it is all about them, not you. Focus on their needs first and your reward will follow.

Tomorrow we will look at paraphrasing.

How to Actively Listen - 3

There are many variations of active listening available on the internet. Over the next few days I am going to take you through the eight strategies used successfully world-wide by those involved in crisis negotiations.

Reflecting and Mirroring

There are many variations of active listening available on the internet. Over the next few days I am going to take you through the eight strategies used successfully world-wide by those involved in crisis negotiations.

Reflecting and Mirroring

Both of these techniques are interchangeable and are used to guide the conversation, to keep it on track and get to the cause of the behaviour which in turn allows you to find the solution. It not only shows that you are listening, it also shows that you are a person and not just a tool of a large organisation.

Mirroring is a great way to focus the other person on a particular part of the conversation that you want to explore further. Choose one or two words out of what the person has said and pose it as a question. For example if I was to say that I woke up, went for a run, had a shower, watched some TV and then went to work. You wanted to know more about what I watched on TV so you would simply say “TV” using inflection in your voice to pose the word as a question. Wait a few seconds for me to respond and if I don’t you would then ask “What did you watch on TV?” Notice I started with the word 'What' in the last sentence.

Reflecting is used when you want to understand the other person's feelings, their emotions. Using the same example above you would ask “After you watched TV it made you feel angry?” This is reflecting back to the person what they said and includes an emotion. You are bringing them back to the topic and exploring in more detail why the person is feeling (behaving) the way they are.

In both situations you are rephrasing their words using your own to ensure that you are hearing what is being said. Don't be too concerned if you don't quite get it right as the other person will correct you which will encourage them to talk more.

Tomorrow we will examine emotion labeling.

How to Actively Listen - 2

There are many variations of active listening available on the internet. Over the next few days I am going to take you through the eight strategies used successfully world-wide by those involved in crisis negotiations.

Open-Ended Questions

In difficult conversations where you want the other person to talk more, for example those who are sad and are reluctant to speak or those who are angry and won’t stop speaking, it is imperative to allow them to talk more. Talking allows us to express ourselves, to say how we are feeling, to vent our frustration, to socialise through communication that we have been doing since the beginning of time.

Open-ended questions conveys a genuine interest in the other person, allows them the freedom to respond in a way they feel comfortable while maintaining the topic and makes the person feel that they are in control. It elicits more information and sounds less like an interrogation when asking questions.

We encourage dialogue by asking single, open-ended questions. This is by far the strongest of all the eight strategies in active listening and will gain valuable points as you build a rapport. Open-ended questions allow the talker the freedom to say what they want and get things off their chest thus reducing emotional blocks.

Once the person starts talking do not interrupt them or try ask another question until they have completely answered the last question. Take a slow breath once you think the other person has finished to ensure that this is the case. This avoids over-talking and slows the conversation to maintain an even flow.

Start each sentence with the word "What" or "How". "What happened next", How did that happen", and “Tell me more about...". Never use the word "Why" as this is a blame word. For example it is better to say “What was the reason for…” rather than “Why did you…”. You could ask “Why do you think that happened” but it is likely to gain a response of “I am not sure”.

If the person is shouting at you, allow them to do so, don’t try to interrupt them. Research tells us that we can yell at someone for between 60 & 90 seconds if they aren't reading from a script and we say nothing at all. If you say something it will just add coal to the fire.

Once the person is talking more you can then ask closed questions to speed the conversation and to confirm that you have the facts correct. For example you could say "Have I got that correct?" to confirm you have the facts accurate.

Next we will examine reflecting or mirroring.

Managing Risk - Remove the Emotions

I have just been asked a question on a reply to my posting "Risk Vs Reward - We are told that the more we risk the greater the reward. Only if the risk is a calculated one is this a good motto to live by - Lance Burdett."

José Maria Oliveira asked: please give me some methods, even if they are statistical, or else other risk calculations methods in our own lives in all aspects. As you know, the methods based on terms "historical", eg in previous years are already very old and used, however are used. It would be very interesting and motivating read an article of yours in this sense....

I use a simple template to determine risk if I am emotional about something that I want to invest my time into which takes the emotion out of the equation. This can be done in your head for simple things but for bigger risks should be listed;

Draw a spreadsheet chart then place heading across the top - Objective, Risk, Consequence, Likelihood, Mitigation.

Objective = What do you want to achieve, what is the ultimate aim or aims. List the objectives down in the first column.

Risk = What can occur when you are wanting to achieve your objective, make a list beside each aim.

Consequence = If the risk occurred when you were after your aim, what will happen?

Likelihood = Is the likelihood of this happening Low, Medium, or High. Base this on your experience as much as anything else. You can color code the likelihood with green, orange and red if you want to.

Mitigation = What action can you take, what can you do so that the Risk doesn't happen.

Make the list of all of the possible objectives and all of the possible risks. Think outside the box, come up with extreme examples. This will help your brain to work through the problem piece by piece.

Now look at the chart and ask yourself, is the mitigation going to overcome the consequence, would it reduce or eliminate the risk. If it does then reduce the likelihood downwards.

Now have another a look at your chart and see what could go wrong and is it that bad?

I hope this is helpful.

How to Actively Listen

There are many variations of active listening available on the internet.  Over the next few days I am going to take you through the eight strategies used successfully world-wide by those involved in crisis negotiations.

Minimal Encourages

The simplest of the eight strategies, minimal encourages are verbal nods, something that we use to show another that we are listening.  Used mainly when talking on the telephone for those who we can't see, these are short words and statements designed to indicate that we are listening.

Use words rather than "um’s" and "ah’s" which can sound like grunts if not properly executed.  Words such as "yes", "I’ve got that", "that’s helpful", and "sure". If your conversation is with an angry or sad person do not use the word "okay" as what they are saying may not be okay and will garnish a reprimand.

Take care that do not interrupt the other person with a minimal encourager when they are venting, getting something off their chest.  You do not want to interrupt an angry person mid-stream as this will inflame the situation.  If you use a minimal encourager and it is not clear what you have said, the other person will stop and ask for an explanation.  Worse still you may get back "You always want to do the talking". 

A danger when we use minimal encourages too often is that our minds tend to wander off.  This is more so an issue for men.  If you are speaking with a man and they use three minimal encourages in a row it means that they are not listening to you.  Try it by asking them "what did I say" after they have used the third encourager.

Tomorrow we will examine open-ended questions.