How To Actively Listen - 6

There are many variations of active listening available on the internet. Over the next few days I am going to take you through the eight strategies used successfully world-wide by those involved in crisis negotiations.

I-Messages

An I-Message is about you, hence the name.  The main use of this strategy is to confront a behaviour that is impacting on you or that you do not like.  For example if someone is using profanity during the communication or continues to yell at you despite your best efforts to curb the behaviour.

The way it is taught to crisis negotiators is to say “I feel (then say how you are feeling about their behaviour) when you (describe the other persons action or statement) because (why does it impact on you)”. If we use this example for the people who are swearing at you, you would say “I feel frustrated when you swear at me because I am just trying to help”.

In some cultures this would work, it also works well when used in crisis communications but can sound disingenuous and perhaps a little 'weird' in everyday use so you change it to something like “I am having trouble focusing on helping you when you swear at me”. You have said the same thing just phrased it differently. Another option is to say “I can hear that this is important to you, I would like to get to hear more however the swearing is distracting me”.

The reason we use an I-message counters what I have told you previously about focusing on the other person.  The reason for the swap is if you were to start your sentence with the word 'You' it is like starting with the word 'Why', it blames the other person.  "You should stop swearing because I don't like it" will soon get you a hostile response. Always start with the word ‘I’.

Tomorrow we will look at effective pauses and the use of silence, how to stop highlight verbal communication, get people to talk who wouldn't otherwise do so and confronting dishonesty.

How To Actively Listen - 5

There are many variations of active listening available on the internet. Over the next few days I am going to take you through the eight strategies used successfully world-wide by those involved in crisis negotiations.

Paraphrasing

Sometimes called rephrasing, rewording or reframing, after a relevant period of time it is a good idea to briefly go back over what the other person has said so that you have a good understanding of what they said, their circumstances and how it has made them feel. You do this by taking what they said and placing it into your own words. You can either work backwards from their last statement or work in the same order.

Start by saying, "If I hear you correctly.....:, or "So far you've told me that.....". Ensure that you include the same key words that they used so that you don't lose their message. At the conclusion of your paraphrase it is often good practice to confirm with the person that you have the facts recorded accurately.

This technique shows the person that you are genuinely interested in what they are saying, have heard them and are attentive to their needs. This technique works well in a Call Centre environment as it shows the person that they are speaking with a real person and not a robot of the organisation.

Be careful not to downplay what the person has experienced when paraphrasing. You do this by reflecting back to them their emotions at the end of paraphrase by saying "....and because of this you feel frustrated". If the conversation is a long one, paraphrase every 5 minutes or so.

Tomorrow we will look at 'I' Messages, how to stop inappropriate behaviour.

How to Actively Listen - 4

There are many variations of active listening available on the internet. Over the next few days I am going to take you through the eight strategies used successfully world-wide by those involved in crisis negotiations.

Emotion Labelling

In difficult communications, for example when someone is yelling at you or is sad, gaining empathy then establishing a rapport is a great way to give you an understanding of what the person is feeling and enables you to move forward much sooner. (I will examine empathy and rapport later in this series). So how do we do this when their emotions are running hot?

The secret is to never let an emotion go without acknowledging it in some way. This disarms the emotion and allows the person to move forward. The way it is taught in crisis intervention is to say "You sound ...." and then describe the emotion. For example, you would say "You sound angry" to a person who is yelling or "You sound sad" to someone who is crying. While this works in crisis situations it is too extreme for everyday communications.

Phrases such as “This sounds important to you, I can hear that”, “you sound angered by this”, or “I can hear that you are frustrated” are good emotion labels for angry people. Often when someone tells us about a tragic event we immediately say “I’m sorry for your loss”. This works however when we use the word sorry it impacts on us personally, sorry is a personal word. It might be better to say “I can’t imagine what that is like” or “Would you like to take a minute” or perhaps “How can I make this easier for you?” You are still acknowledging the emotion (sadness) but keeping it at arms-length.

By following these statements with “Please take your time” will indirectly provide them with support and the person will usually take a breath. Don’t worry if you don’t get the emotion correct, the person will soon tell you. They might say "Angry, you have no idea", or "I'm not angry, I am just damn well frustrated". You would reply "Tell me more about what happened" for the angry people or "Let's get this sorted quickly for you" to the sad.

Remember that it is all about them, not you. Focus on their needs first and your reward will follow.

Tomorrow we will look at paraphrasing.

How to Actively Listen - 3

There are many variations of active listening available on the internet. Over the next few days I am going to take you through the eight strategies used successfully world-wide by those involved in crisis negotiations.

Reflecting and Mirroring

There are many variations of active listening available on the internet. Over the next few days I am going to take you through the eight strategies used successfully world-wide by those involved in crisis negotiations.

Reflecting and Mirroring

Both of these techniques are interchangeable and are used to guide the conversation, to keep it on track and get to the cause of the behaviour which in turn allows you to find the solution. It not only shows that you are listening, it also shows that you are a person and not just a tool of a large organisation.

Mirroring is a great way to focus the other person on a particular part of the conversation that you want to explore further. Choose one or two words out of what the person has said and pose it as a question. For example if I was to say that I woke up, went for a run, had a shower, watched some TV and then went to work. You wanted to know more about what I watched on TV so you would simply say “TV” using inflection in your voice to pose the word as a question. Wait a few seconds for me to respond and if I don’t you would then ask “What did you watch on TV?” Notice I started with the word 'What' in the last sentence.

Reflecting is used when you want to understand the other person's feelings, their emotions. Using the same example above you would ask “After you watched TV it made you feel angry?” This is reflecting back to the person what they said and includes an emotion. You are bringing them back to the topic and exploring in more detail why the person is feeling (behaving) the way they are.

In both situations you are rephrasing their words using your own to ensure that you are hearing what is being said. Don't be too concerned if you don't quite get it right as the other person will correct you which will encourage them to talk more.

Tomorrow we will examine emotion labeling.

How to Actively Listen - 2

There are many variations of active listening available on the internet. Over the next few days I am going to take you through the eight strategies used successfully world-wide by those involved in crisis negotiations.

Open-Ended Questions

In difficult conversations where you want the other person to talk more, for example those who are sad and are reluctant to speak or those who are angry and won’t stop speaking, it is imperative to allow them to talk more. Talking allows us to express ourselves, to say how we are feeling, to vent our frustration, to socialise through communication that we have been doing since the beginning of time.

Open-ended questions conveys a genuine interest in the other person, allows them the freedom to respond in a way they feel comfortable while maintaining the topic and makes the person feel that they are in control. It elicits more information and sounds less like an interrogation when asking questions.

We encourage dialogue by asking single, open-ended questions. This is by far the strongest of all the eight strategies in active listening and will gain valuable points as you build a rapport. Open-ended questions allow the talker the freedom to say what they want and get things off their chest thus reducing emotional blocks.

Once the person starts talking do not interrupt them or try ask another question until they have completely answered the last question. Take a slow breath once you think the other person has finished to ensure that this is the case. This avoids over-talking and slows the conversation to maintain an even flow.

Start each sentence with the word "What" or "How". "What happened next", How did that happen", and “Tell me more about...". Never use the word "Why" as this is a blame word. For example it is better to say “What was the reason for…” rather than “Why did you…”. You could ask “Why do you think that happened” but it is likely to gain a response of “I am not sure”.

If the person is shouting at you, allow them to do so, don’t try to interrupt them. Research tells us that we can yell at someone for between 60 & 90 seconds if they aren't reading from a script and we say nothing at all. If you say something it will just add coal to the fire.

Once the person is talking more you can then ask closed questions to speed the conversation and to confirm that you have the facts correct. For example you could say "Have I got that correct?" to confirm you have the facts accurate.

Next we will examine reflecting or mirroring.