I can never get anything right no matter how hard I try.
I’m the worst person I know at everything I attempt.
I just can’t get my sh*t together.
Who puts you under the most pressure? You do. When you make a mistake, who beats you up the worst? You do.
Who do you talk to the most during your day? Yourself.
(If you’re sitting there thinking, "No, I don’t," you’re doing it right now!)
We are our own worst enemy, and we think we’re alone.
The purpose of the inner critic is to protect us from potential failure, rejection, or danger. By criticizing ourselves, we are preparing for what others might say.
Our inner critic also encourages us to conform to social norms and expectations to avoid conflict.
The problem is it has the opposite effect. It damages our self-esteem and self-worth; it can bring on stress and anxiety and can hinder performance from a fear of failure.
Like most things to do with our mind, the first step is always being mindful of our thoughts – thinking about what we’re thinking about.
The next step is to practice self-compassion, being as understanding and patient with yourself as you are with those around you.
Would you berate or belittle someone else in the same way that you do to yourself? No. So why do it to yourself?
It’s time to rewire our brains. We no longer need many of the safety features from yesteryear.
Focus on what you have achieved and how you might improve next time if you need to.
Remember that we are all better and stronger than we think we are. If you don’t believe yourself, ask someone else.
Let’s talk!
That's The Spirit!
When I first heard the statement, “That’s the spirit” - it was said after a comment I made, “I can’t be bothered”.
It made me laugh.
It got me thinking about the word ‘spirit’ in the context of determination and attitude when we aren’t feeling that way.
We all have times when our motivation wanes, when it becomes more difficult, or when energy is difficult to come by. Usually, it’s because we’ve had a setback of some sort or have been working hard for a long period of time.
How can we get our mojo back when we feel lethargic, when we can’t be bothered, and when we are tired of pushing through?
Researchers have identified 15 core motives that drive human behaviour, grouped into five categories: environmental, physiological, reproductive, psychological, and social.
These motives were developed as survival mechanisms from which Maslow built his Hierarchy of Needs model. They are ingrained in our survival behaviours.
When motivation is low and challenges feel heavy, these 15 core motives can help you reconnect with your energy and drive to achieve your goals:
Environmental:
👉 Hoard – Collect items like food, money, or even digital assets (e.g., cryptocurrency) to ensure future security.
👉 Create – Invent a new gadget, write a post/article/book, or develop a new programme, presentation or similar.
Physiological:
👉 Fear – Avoid places that make you fearful or heighten your senses.
👉 Disgust – Avoid anything that causes you to feel disgust such as a movie, a book, smelly food, etc.
👉 Hunger – Support your energy and focus by eating nourishing meals at regular intervals.
👉 Comfort – Seek places of comfort or do things that make you feel safe.
Reproductive:
👉 Lust – Be with those who you love to be with.
👉 Attract - Present yourself in a way that feels confident and polished, like you would for an important meeting or first impression.
👉 Love – Cultivate meaningful connections, whether with a partner, family member, or close friend.
👉 Nurture - Take care of a child, pet, or a plant.
Psychological:
👉 Curiosity – Read a book, watch a documentary, pull something apart or explore an area you haven’t been before.
👉 Play - Play a sport, video game, or engaging in a hobby.
Social:
👉 Affiliate - Join a club, team, or social group to feel a sense of belonging.
👉 Status – Work hard for a promotion or recognition in your field.
👉 Justice - Advocate for fair treatment and equality, such as participating in social justice movements.
These are just some examples to illustrate how fundamental motives manifest in everyday life and can motivate us through dopamine.
Dopamine is a neurotransmitter that motivates us and from which we learn from.
Going back to earlier times can help us move into the future.
Let’s talk!
Why Don't We Reach Out For Help?
We often hear the phrase, “If you’re struggling, please reach out for help.”
It’s well-intentioned—and can be effective when someone is in a clear state of mind or just beginning to feel the weight of their struggles. But for those deeply entrenched in the mire, overwhelmed by life, that message may not even register.
It can feel distant, unrealistic, or simply out of reach.
When people are all consumed with life, the only voice they hear is their own, and that voice is telling them to ignore the world. That voice, the one that comforted us as a child whenever we were struggling or afraid, has now become our enemy.
So why don't we ask for help, and why does that voice try in vain to comfort us as it did when we were a child? Fear is the answer for most of us.
Fear of burdening you with our issues, fear of what you might say to us, fear that you may scold or scorn us, fear that what you suggest may make things worse, fear of the repercussions of our actions, fear that you may view us as a failure, fear that we will never be seen the same way again, fear that we will never recover, fear of what the future holds if any future at all, fear of the unknown, fear of... The list is endless.
Yes, these fears are irrational, illogical, and often unfounded. But we don't know that, because we aren't thinking rationally or logically.
When overwhelmed, we are unable to think like you, to rationalise like you, to bring clarity to what you are saying. We can't work out why you don't get it, why you can't see what we see, why you aren't listening to us, why you don't understand that we can't simply "snap out of it."
So what should you do to help us when we are overwhelmed?
Take us to get some help if we readily want to go, encourage us to get some help if we won't go for help, listen to us without judging us or trying to fix us, ask us what we are thinking and feeling, or just be there for us.
A warm smile, a kind word, a hug from a loved one can be enough to keep us going. Remind us that we are loved, that we won't be scorned or scolded, that you don't care what we've done. Just be there for us when we need you.
Let's talk!
Life Feels Overwhelming?
Life feels overwhelming for many of us currently, myself included. There is so much uncertainty which plays on our minds. Our brain prefers certainty and it’s currently not there.
Money is the biggest worry for most people, there is never enough. Housing, education, our health and well-being, safety and the environment. All are big topics that also consume our thoughts.
I often talk about Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs and how important it is to focus on the basics to bring certainty to our life – food, water, shelter, air and sleep.
Focusing on these essentials will bring certainty and ground us. What if this is not enough to reduce our worry?
In our fast-paced and often unpredictable world, finding other ways to bring certainty and reduce worry can be incredibly valuable.
Here are a few strategies that might help:
1. Establish routines – Having a daily routine can provide a sense of stability and predictability through structure.
2. Stay informed, but limit news consumption – Being informed about our world is essential, but too much, especially negative news, can increase worry. Find a balance that keeps you informed without overwhelming you.
3. Practice mindfulness – Breathing practices can help you stay in the present moment and reduce anxiety about the future. Breathing in & out at 6-second intervals for 2 minutes is enough.
4. Set realistic goals – Break down your larger goals into smaller, manageable steps. This makes tasks feel less daunting and provides a sense of accomplishment as you complete each step.
5. Build a support network – Surround yourself with supportive friends and/or family. Talking about our worries with someone we trust can provide relief and perspective.
6. Focus on what you can control – Many things in life are beyond our control, focusing on what we can control and taking proactive steps in those areas can reduce feelings of helplessness.
7. Engage in physical activity – Regular exercise can reduce stress and improve your mood. It doesn't have to be intense; even a daily walk can be beneficial.
Remember, it's okay to feel worried sometimes, but taking small proactive steps to manage that worry will help you feel more in control through certainty.
Let's talk!
A Journey Of Discovery!
A Journey of Self-Discovery at 67
As part of working towards my next diploma, I had to complete an exercise called Best Self.
Those who know me understand that I hate to focus on myself, so this was the most uncomfortable thing I’ve ever had to do.
I had to write to friends and family and ask them for a short story about when they saw me at my best.
At the age of 67, I thought, "I’m all good, thanks!" I even asked my tutor if I could use unsolicited feedback from clients instead. But the answer was no.
The purpose of this exercise was to go through the challenges and emotions it would bring.
You can only imagine how difficult it was to ask people to go out of their way and send me something about me. It felt so self-centred.
But the responses I got back from family and friends were humbling and emotional, and many brought me to tears.
I made the mistake of reading some of them during a break in a workshop I was running. It took lots of deep, slow breathing before I regained control of myself and could continue.
We often see ourselves in a different light; we think we never fit in, that we don’t care enough, that we are selfish, that we are... not enough.
Additionally, we never realise what an impact we have had on others until we ask for their feedback.
The truth is that we do fit in, that we do care enough, that we aren’t selfish, that we are... enough.
If you don’t believe that you are good enough, if you don’t believe that you fit in, if you don’t believe that you care, if you don’t believe that you are unselfish – ask your family or friends.
It will blow you away. And it will keep blowing you away for weeks afterwards.
Let’s talk!