Tears - We Don't Cry Enough!

The moment after we are born, we cry.

As a baby we cry when we need something – food, warmth, comfort or attention.

As an infant some of us are told not cry but we still want to. If we do cry, we might be told it is wrong or to stop crying.

So, we learn to cry on the inside or when alone where no one can see us cry.

As adults we tend only to cry when truly sad things occur, isn't that sad in itself.

Many people cry on their deathbed as they express their love, their regrets, that their life has come to an end.

If we see a grown person cry, we might leave them alone so as not to embarrass them.

Recently, I have noticed that I cry often!

I'm a grown man who worked in construction and was a cop, I should never cry.

I have seen and had to do things that others haven’t, I shouldn't cry.

I have had depression and been suicidal, I shouldn't cry.

Yet, I did cry. And now I cry often and I love it.

Mostly, I cry when happy, from contentment.

Crying is an essential emotional release and a mechanism for self-care. While it can be associated with sadness, it's also a vital aspect of emotional expression and wellbeing.

Here are a few reasons why we should cry more:

1. Emotional Balance: Crying helps us process and release overwhelming emotions preventing them from being bottled up and causing more significant distress later.

2. Healing: When we cry over a painful experience it can aid in the healing process by allowing us to confront and work through our feelings.

3. Connection: Crying can bring people closer together. When we cry in front of others it can foster empathy and strengthen our relationships with those who support us.

4. Relief: Sometimes a good cry can leave us feeling lighter, more at ease, and better able to tackle challenges.

5. Self-care: Allowing ourselves to cry is a form of self-compassion. It is acknowledging our emotions and giving ourselves permission to feel them.

When someone is crying due to happiness ask them what it was that made them so happy.

When someone is crying and you do not know the reason, ask them the reason behind their tears rather than ask if everything is alright.

When someone is crying due to sadness, and if appropriate to do so, hug them and hold them tight. The more they cry the stronger your hug.

We must never be ashamed to cry, we should be proud to cry.

If we cry when we are born and if we cry when we die then perhaps, we should cry more often when we live.

Let's talk!

YET, The Word For 2025.

YET!

If the quote for this year is Thrive In 2025, the word for 2025 is “YET”.

"Yet"  carries a lot of weight because of its ability to transform a statement from finality to possibility, from possibility to certainty.

The power of a word depends on its context and how it is used. "Yet" is incredibly empowering for personal growth and overcoming our challenges.

"Yet" provides motivation when we are striving to achieve a goal. It suggests that while something hasn’t happened at this time, it still has the potential to happen.

“Yet” can turn a negative statement into a positive one, filled with optimism and hope. Rather than say "I can't get through this," add the word yest at the end, "I can't get through this, yet."

Adding "yet" to a statement can also shift our mindset from a fixed one to a growth one. It’s a reminder that we’re constantly evolving and that our current state is not our final destination.

The word "yet" is a great tool for keeping conversations positive and forward-looking.

You can use the word “yet” in many situations:

1. Self-improvement:

• "I haven't learned to do this, yet."

• "I can't solve this, yet."

• “I haven’t got out of this rut, yet.”

• "I am not where I want to be yet, but I'm working on it."

2. Encouragement to others:

• "You haven't mastered this skill yet, but you're well on the way."

• "We haven't reached our goal yet, but we're along the path."

3. Future Plans:

• "I haven't been there yet, but it's on my list."

• "I haven’t reached my full potential, yet”

4. Handling Workplace Challenges:

• "I haven't figured out the solution yet, and I will."

• "This project isn't complete; yet are finding ways forward."

Adding the word "yet" to our vocabulary can truly make a difference in how we perceive our challenges. It turns the impossible into the possible, the unreachable into the reachable, the goal into an ongoing opportunity.

Success is not about what you can achieve right now; it's about the potential you haven't unlocked, yet.

YET – the word for 2025.

Let’s talk!

Shame Often Accompanies Guilt!

Following on from our last post on managing guilt, shame often accompanies guilt which can lead to feelings of regret and rumination.

Shame is a maladaptive emotion which means it doesn’t help us deal with our situation. Instead of leading to positive outcomes or a resolution, it tends to make things worse.

Maladaptive emotions interfere with our ability to think clearly, to make decisions, and to engage in healthy behaviours.

Many of our emotions can be adaptive or maladaptive depending on our experiences which form our benchmarks for future reference.

For example, fear can be adaptive when it keeps us safe from danger, but it becomes maladaptive if it prevents us from taking necessary actions or enjoying life.

Similarly, anger can motivate us to address an injustice and it can become maladaptive if it leads to aggressive behaviours or ruin relationships.

Managing shame from a neuroscience perspective involves understanding how the brain and nervous system respond to shame and then using techniques to regulate these responses. Here are some strategies based on neuroscience:

1. Recognise the Autonomic State: When experiencing shame, the brain activates the sympathetic nervous system, which triggers the fight, flight, or freeze response. Recognising this state can help you understand your reactions, it is simply responding to data based on our experiences.

2. Respect the Adaptive Response: Shame is a natural response that has evolved to help us navigate social interactions. Respecting by being aware of this response can help us accept it rather than fight it. Always remember that our brain holds onto what we try to push away!

3. Regulate or Co-Regulate: Techniques like slow deep breathing, mindfulness, and grounding exercises (more on these in our next post) can help regulate the nervous system and bring it back to a calmer state. Co-regulation involves seeking support from others to help manage these emotions and feelings.

4. Re-storying: This involves reframing your thoughts about shame, in other words changing the data we feed our brain. Instead of seeing it as a sign of personal failure, try to view it as a signal that something needs attention or to change.

5. Therapeutic Interventions: Working with a therapist trained in shame can be helpful. Therapies like Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and Eye Movement Desensitization & Reprocessing (EMDR) can help address and reprocess shame-based beliefs.

Self-compassion is another powerful tool for managing shame. It involves treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer to a friend struggling with shame.

Here are some ways to practice self-compassion:

1. Mindfulness: Recognise and accept your emotions without judgment. Instead of trying to suppress or ignore feelings of shame, acknowledge them with a gentle non-critical attitude.

2. Self-Kindness: Instead of harshly criticising yourself for the perceived shortcoming, offer understanding that it was a mistake based on your own benchmark. Remember that making mistakes and facing challenges are part of being human.

3. Common Humanity: Understand that you are not alone in your experiences. Everyone goes through difficult times, makes mistakes, and feels shame. Recognising this shared human experience can help you feel more connected and less isolated.

4. Self-Compassionate Actions: Engage in activities that nurture and care for yourself. This could be spending time with loved ones, engaging in a hobby, or simply taking a moment to rest and relax. Do one thing each day that you love doing.

5. Affirmations: Practice positive self-affirmations to counteract negative self-talk. Phrases like "I am a good person," "I am worthy respect," and "I am doing my best" can help shift your mindset.

Self-compassion is not about letting yourself off the hook or ignoring areas for learning. It's about managing yourself with the same empathy and care that you would offer to others.

Let’s talk!

Guilt, The Emotion That Keeps Giving!

Guilt is one of many emotions that help us and make us human. Emotions help us:

1. Survive: Emotions like fear and anger have evolved to help us respond to threats and challenges.

2. Decision Making: Emotions help us evaluate situations quickly and make choices that align with our values and needs.

3. Communication: Emotions help us express our feelings and understand others, fostering social connections and empathy.

4. Motivation: Emotions drive us to act.

5. Learning and Memory: Strong emotions can enhance our attention and memory.

6. Overall Well-being: Emotions contribute to our overall mental and physical health.

I like to think of guilt as a boundary which guides us to stay within our lane of values. If we stray outside of our lane of values, then guilt will steer us back on track.

Guilt is termed an adaptive emotion that involves responding to emotions in ways that are beneficial and constructive.

Shame and guilt often go hand in hand and we can confuse one for the other.

Shame is termed a maladaptive emotion. It makes us feel bad about ourselves and can be destructive.

Although shame and guilt seem similar, they are very different. Guilt is concerned with the negative evaluation of a specific behaviour violating our moral standards, resulting in a desire to confess, apologise and/or make amends.

Shame relates to the negative evaluation of ourselves, causing a desire to vanish, escape or strike back. In short, guilt is concerned with what you did (the act) whereas shame is concerned with self-esteem and making you feel unworthy (the repercussions).

Overcoming feelings of guilt can be damn hard, but there are several strategies that can help:

1. Acknowledge Your Guilt: Recognise and accept your feelings of guilt instead of ignoring them. Our brain holds onto what we push away so sit with the feelings.

2. Understand the Source: Reflect on what caused your guilt. Ask yourself "Did I really do something wrong, or am I just perceiving I did wrong based on my imposed benchmark?"

3. Make Amends: If possible, take steps to rectify the situation. Apologising or making amends can help alleviate feelings of provided it does not hurt others when doing so.

4. Learn from the Experience: Use your guilt as a learning opportunity, make a self-declaration to never do it again.

5. Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself. Everyone makes mistakes, that does not define who we are.

6. Seek Support: Talk to someone you trust about your feelings. Sometimes, sharing your thoughts can provide relief and new perspectives.

7. Consider Professional Help: If your guilt is overwhelming or persistent, it might be helpful to talk to a mental health professional.

It is important to address guilt in a positive way to prevent it from negatively impacting your emotional wellbeing.

Let's talk!

Final Thoughts For 2024

With the last day of 2024, the last reflection before moving forward into 2025 with more determination and energy than the previous year.

I once thought that burnout was something to survive. Now I know it's something to learn from.

Burnout isn't just a workplace problem—it's a human experience. And after 22 years as a police crisis negotiator, I've learned that our most challenging moments often become our most profound teachers.

Three insights that transformed my understanding this year:

• **Burnout is a Universal Language** In my post "I'm Done: The Struggle with Burnout", I shared a raw truth: burnout feels "lonely, isolating, overwhelming, debilitating." It's not weakness—it's a signal that something needs to change.

• **Every Decision Carries Weight** Reflecting on my police years, I realised that "Those who work for the police do so because they genuinely want to help others." The same is true for mental health work—it's about genuine human connection.

• **Impostor Syndrome Meets Reality** We must "Accept that we are as good as others say we are and that we got to where we are because of who we are." This isn't arrogance—it's acknowledging our true worth.

This year brought significant milestones: publishing "Anxiety is a Worry", expanding WARN International's training programmes, and continuing my work with Life Education Trust, Look Good Feel Better, Tango Kilo Mike, Save The Brave and Volunteer Fire Brigades.

But the real achievement? Helping people understand that mind (mental) health isn't a destination—it's a journey.

In 2025, we're diving deeper. More practical tools, more real conversations, more understanding that personal resilience isn't about being unbreakable—it's about learning how to cope and rebuild when we stumble.

Let's talk!