When you think about it, a lot of the stress that we face at work involves difficult communication in some form or another.
We aren’t so worried about how we do things because we all try to be the best we can be in our work. We tend to worry more about how we communicate what we are doing, and what others might think of us if we communicate it poorly.
Whether it is communicating with challenging customers, handling difficult colleagues, running meetings, or presenting to a large audience, these things all involve communicating.
To have good communication skills you not only need reasonable grammatical knowledge and confidence, but you you also need to control your emotions during these conversations.
To control your emotions you need to control your thoughts. That is what I learned to do effectively and efficiently as a crisis negotiator. To control my thoughts, which controlled my emotions, so that I could quickly and successfully engage with a person in crisis.
Here are a few quick communication tips that may work for you:
👉 Don't say the first thing that comes into your head when emotional because it will always be wrong.
👉 Take a long, slow, deep, quiet breath to control your adrenaline before meetings and during difficult encounters. Breathing out slowly will also reduce your heart rate.
👉 Slow is smooth, smooth is fast. Slow things down so that you remain calm and in control.
👉 Address difficult messages early in conversations. Avoid using the 'praise sandwich' approach, as it can lead to confusion and dilute the impact of important feedback.
👉 Refrain from sending emails when you are emotional. Walk away, grab a glass of water or go for a walk and come back to it when you are feeling calm.
👉 Be quick to apologise if you made an error of judgment in something that you have said or sent.
Let's talk!
Should I Retire?
I often wonder why I keep going, when many people of my age have long since retired.
Am I doing someone out of a job?
What about the younger generation coming through who need a chance?
Why don't I just let someone else have go?
Perhaps more personal...
Am I too old?
Am I too tired?
Am I too slow?
Am I too...?
It would be easy to step back given the many challenges that running a business entails. So many reasons to stop - what if I don't meet the clients’ needs, what if I say the wrong thing, what if what I say is misinterpreted, what if people don't find what I say helpful, what if…
Why should I push myself into uncomfortable situations, is it causing harm by being nervous on a daily basis, is it not better to slip back into a comfortable role or to retire completely?
We can always find reasons to stop what we are doing, but that is the easy option. However, it is the very reasons that we find excuses to stop that actually keep us going.
If we do not stretch our self, certain parts of our brain shrink, the important areas that maintain our cognitive skills.
A study found that when people retired at the age of 66 instead of 65, their mortality rates dropped by 11%. Even when accounting for all of the variables possible, many other studies confirm the same.
Working into our later years has many benefits:
- It provides mental stimulation and problem-solving abilities
- Social engagement is associated with delaying chronic disease
- Physical activity leads to better health and sharper thinking
- Multi-generational teams are better than single-generation teams
So, let's look at my list of reasons to give up.
Am I doing someone out of a job? No.
Should the younger generation have an opportunity to do what I do?Absolutely, and there's nothing stopping them.
I can find new clients through numerous methods with word-of-mouth being the biggest opportunity, I am completing yet another diploma after recently published a third book, and I am highly motivated by the challenge that running a business provides.
Am I too old? That depends on the context, age brings more experiences.
Am I too tired? Sometimes, but that's only because I push myself to the maximum.
Am I too slow? Those who know me know the opposite is true.
Pushing ourselves outside of our perceived limit is where we get the best from ourselves. There is no growth in the comfortable, only stagnancy.
It is so easy to find an excuse not to stretch ourselves beyond our perceived limits. It is so easy to dismiss those things we find hard. It is so easy to put things off until tomorrow for we know that tomorrow never comes!
Find comfort in the uncomfortable, find joy in the nervousness, find solace in the fear. For it is these challenges that keep us going, that make us who we are, that bring out the best in us.
The only way to find that control is within us. We are all better and stronger than we think we are, we just don't know how much until we try.
Let's talk!
Say NO!
Thanks, but I'll have to pass on that.
I'm going to need to say no, but thanks!
I can't make it work this time, sorry.
Not today.
No.
I'm not up for that right now, but I appreciate the invite.
I'm going to have to sit this one out, but thanks for thinking of me
No, thank you.
I'd love to, but I'm swamped right now.
I've got a lot on my plate, so I'll have to decline.
Thanks for the offer, but I'm going to have to pass.
Often we don't want to disappoint, so we tend to say "yes' when asked to do something. Unfortunately, this desire to help, or rather not to disappoint, might be detrimental to our well-being - especially at a time of year when many of our plates (and calendars) are full.
Saying "yes" may be important to you, so keep doing so if you can continue without it impacting on you. Remember that you need downtime to do things to relax. Saying "no" can be difficult, especially if you have got into the habit of saying "yes".
Know that saying "no" can also be exhilarating, and your brain will eventually thank you for it.
Let's talk!
Angry Customers!
When someone is yelling at you, it's only natural to feel overwhelmed. Whether you’re facing an angry client or a heated colleague, here are some quick actionable tips you can start using today:
🧍 Always stand tall with your head up, shoulders back, and hands by your side. This shows that you are ready to listen.
🤫 While a person is yelling at you, say nothing. Try to avoid using minimal encouragers (umms and ahhs) - large slow nods are enough to indicate that you are listening.
🪑 If you can, invite the person to sit down. This will reduce their anger as they won't have a strong foundation on which to rage.
👂 Listen to what they are saying. When they have finished their 'vent', paraphrase what they said related to the facts of what they are yelling about.
👀 Reduce your eye contact to half of what you would usually do, 30% instead of 60%.
🖊️ If you can, hold something in your hand such as a notebook or pen, it will help you feel more relaxed yet confident (try it now!).
Let's talk!
Practice For The Unexpected.
When asked to present to the Professional Speakers Association of New Zealand I initially thought it was a bad idea. I'm not trained, I don't follow a script, and I know I talk too fast.
Always up for a challenge though, what was the worst that could happen?
The theme of my talk was how to manage emotions when nervous, and how to drive new business if you are a speaker. Apart from covering how to remain calm in challenging situations, and how to deal with our new world and all of its challenges, I also spoke of how to manage worry.
When it came to professional speaking, here are the key messages I left the audience with:
ℹ️ You can either stun the audience by knowing a lot about one thing, or knowing a little about a lot - you must choose your expertise.
🤝 When negotiating with a client, avoid setting a rigid bottom line—it could cause you to miss valuable opportunities. For example, we started working with one organisation at their agreed fee - and they are now our most valuable client.
⚠️ Never go in too hard with anything - whether it is your fee, your presentation style, or simply wanting to impress.
👀 Never be too relaxed - often we think we've done a great job, and then we relax and say something stupid. Many of us of done this I am sure!
💥 What is your WOW factor - is it your point of difference, is it your expertise or experience? What is one thing they can use immediately, or what will make them want to see you again?
☝️ Contrary to popular belief it is not about the speaker, it is about the audience. Forget the flash introduction about yourself, they are not there to see you - they are there to listen to what you have to say!
🥸 Be yourself - if we practise too much or follow a recognised pattern that most speakers use it could become a robotic presentation.
🎭 Real people want to see real people, you need to be relatable - your message could get lost if you sound too polished. Being professional and having confidence is one thing, putting on a staged show (acting) is quite another.
The techniques above can also be applied in everyday life. Whether you're running a business, managing a team, or simply someone who wants to improve themselves; these strategies can be a helpful guide.
Life is full of challenges—some we anticipate, others take us by surprise. By practising how to handle the challenges we expect, we build the skills needed to tackle the ones we don’t see coming. Strengthening these abilities can make a significant difference when life throws the unexpected our way.
I am still receiving wonderful feedback from the presentation for the PSANZ.
If I can do it, so can you.
Let’s talk!