I am so fortunate to have had burnout, I am so lucky to have gone into depression, I am so blessed to have had thoughts of killing myself. That sounds crazy, doesn't it?
When asked about what it was like going into the deep, dark, lonely, frightening depths of despair, my answer is always the same - "I hated it beyond belief and now glad that it happened to me." I no longer take life for granted, things don't just happen to other people, they can happen to any of us.
A common question I hear from parents during my presentations is "How can I tell if my son or daughter is suffering from depression?"
Psychology tells us that the person will become tired, listless, have trouble sleeping, no longer interested in what they previously enjoyed, increased use of alcohol or drugs, won't care about their appearance, won't smile, express feelings of hopelessness and helplessness, lose confidence, become irritable, and avoid conversations.
That is an accurate list. There are a couple of other signs that you might also look for;
💙 They get busy - trying to run away from their thoughts, they won't be able to sit still for too long, and they keep moving in an attempt to consume and control their negative thoughts.
💙 They become isolated - shutting themselves off from their friends, no longer wishing to leave the sanctuary of their bedroom, wanting to shut out the world.
💙 They won't look at you - they avoid eye contact at all costs.
💙 They begin to look pale - when in the depths of despair, blood goes to the centre core to protect the vital organs.
For me, the greatest sign that someone is in the depths of darkness is the lack of socialisation - no longer will they talk to anyone, nor will they look at your face when you talk with them. Their brain is telling them to do things to protect themselves - "Go and hide, go and sleep, don't talk to anyone."
Their brain tells them to do the opposite of what they should do. So, what should you do to help your loved one;
💙 Look after yourself first - you must be in a good place before helping others.
💙Don't try and fix it - you can't force someone to get better, they must want to get better.
💙 Reassure them - let them know that you are there, that you love them, and that you will do everything for them, in their time.
💙Be gentle - on yourself and on them. Guide them to seek professional help and offer to go with them if they want you to.
Bottom line, when in the depths of despair, we do not know what we are doing, nor do we think about the consequences of our actions. Our rational brain has long gone, we are now in survival mode, and we do not understand logic.
If in doubt, get them help.
Let's talk!
Will I Ever Get Well Again?
"Will I ever get well again?"
No two of us are the same, it depends on what caused your illness, how deep down you are, whether you need medication, your current environment, and the list goes on.
The important point - if you do nothing then there is little chance of recovery.
Seeing your doctor to get a referral, or directly to a trained psychologist/psychotherapist is the very first thing that you must do.
You can try other things - mindfulness, meditation, yoga - but without expert help as to which treatment is right for you, you may never recover.
The next step to take is to follow what you have been told. Other people and other things might help, but you have to take action yourself, it won't come to you.
Taking a pill might help, and you should do this if you are advised to, but waiting for a magic pill to work is not enough. The mind, body and soul must be treated together.
Some people get comfortable in the mire because it is known to them. They get comfortable waking up each day with the same thoughts, feelings and emotions so there is nothing 'different' to them.
The third thing to do is to believe in yourself, believe that you will get well, believe that you have the strength inside you to fight, believe that you won't go back to where you are now. Inner strength is powerful, more powerful than I ever thought it could be.
I was, and still am to a large extent, a sceptic. Believe no one, believe in nothing, believe that life just happens. That's not the case for all things, most things you do have some control over, the greatest control you have is over your thoughts. You can choose them, trust me on this.
The best explanation I have read about the mind, or our thoughts, is that our mind originates from our brains (yes, brains) working in unison to form our thoughts. The mind then operates our brain, apart from the automaton system. Therefore, you have the ability to control your mind, to control your thoughts.
Going back to the original question, "Will I ever get well again?" Yes, you will, or close to it. You may be weak and vulnerable in some areas, but other areas of your brain will awaken to support the weaknesses or vulnerabilities.
The bottom line is that you won't get well if you do nothing.
Let's talk!
Coping With Worry.
If you have a worry on your mind, remember that talking is the best option to resolve those problems that we haven't been able to resolve ourselves.
Talking with others extends the knowledge and experience needed to find the appropriate resolution strategy. Talking also helps to bring a new perspective to our issue, we can see things through a different lens.
Once you have chatted and found a way through your problem then set about fixing it with a practical action. We can 'work at worrying or work on what is worrying us', our brain is going to work regardless of which one we choose to do.
Working on our problem gives us something positive to focus on rather than the negative problem.
If You Enjoy What You Do You Will Never Work Another Day In Your Life, Or.....
I'm not sure how I feel about this quote. I love what I do and work hard at it, so I still need to manage my limits.
Life is busy for many of us, that goes without saying. Work can get busy, as can the pressure to be everything to everyone in our personal lives.
If you're feeling under pressure:
At work, speak with your supervisor or manager about expectations. Gain clarity on what they expect of you, not just what you think they expect. Even better - compile a list of your workload/tasks and deadlines. They may be unaware of just how much you have on your plate.
In your personal life, it comes down to communication again. Being able to communicate what your limits are. It may be as simple as, "I need some time to myself this weekend, but let's catch up next weekend."
As someone self-employed, here's what I like to do:
Mix it up. I like to alternate tasks, switching when I get tired. I might write a couple of emails, then work on a programme for an upcoming workshop, and then connect with a client or two. Labouring through tasks until they are fully completed often ends with feeling stuck in the mud. Mixing it up brings variety, excitement, replenishment, and satisfaction.
I build balance into my day. Balance for me looks like meeting people for coffee, regular exercise, and getting lost in a movie at the end of the day. If I feel overwhelmed; I stop and go for a run, do a workout, or relax with a cuppa for 20 minutes.
So what are your limits, and how do you manage them?
Let's talk!
Negotiating the Non-negotiable!
Negotiating the Non-negotiable!
As a crisis negotiator, it's important to quickly engage with those whom you are talking with, particularly if they are threatening to take a life.
There are some simple techniques that I once used to secure a peaceful end to what seemed like an impassable situation. You can use these when holding a difficult conversation, negotiating in a challenging situation, or simply wanting to make an impression;
🎁 What Have You Got That They Need?
There is a reason the other party is talking with you, you have something they need or want. Work out what you have that they need, and how much you are prepared to give up for providing it.
🗣️ Control Your Body and Your Voice
When we are nervous, we speak louder, faster, and longer. Holding a pen in the hand that you write with will control your uncontrolled facial micro-expressions and also help to reduce your volume.
👂 Two ears, and one mouth
Encourage the other person to talk twice as much as you do. By doing so, you are making it about them, allowing them to tell you everything about what they want, allowing them to vent, and making them feel as though they are in control. Of course, you are the one controlling the conversation by doing this.
💥 Communication Today is HOT
Honesty is the best policy, if you get caught lying you have lost all credibility. Be Open to new ideas and suggestions, and listen to what they have to say. Get To the point, no longer do we need to go through extended niceties, get on with it and show them that you are willing to go to the heart of the matter.
🦁 Don't Be Afraid
Show confidence with your head up and hold a strong body position. Have a bottom line and stick to it. Provide a reality check if they are suggesting something that is ridiculous or is below your bottom line. Take a time out if you need to regroup, this will show that you are in charge and won't be bullied.
💙 Nice Guys Don't Always Finish Last
The three H's, Humility, honesty, and humour, are three traits others respond to positively. Recognise and acknowledge the other person's skills, be truthful in what you promise, and a joke at your own expense relaxes the other person.
You can negotiate what seems like the non-negotiable, all it takes is a few simple guidelines, being open-minded to suggestions, and compromise. It is the latter point that causes us the most challenges in difficult negotiations. Compromise.
You don't have to win, let that stuff go, you just have to find an agreed way forward.
Let's talk!