Managing Emotional Incidents.

Three months ago, I fell awkwardly and badly damaged my shoulder. Following the accident, I found myself replaying the fall in my head, sometimes in the form of dreams that would wake me in the night. Questions began to circulate - why did it happen, what a stupid thing to do, it is all your fault – I am sure you know how it goes.

When something negative happens to us, the brain goes through a process of replaying the event so that we will learn from what occurred. It is designed to help us avoid a future incident or to know what to do should the same incident occur again. This process Is extremely uncomfortable and if left unchecked can lead to Acute Stress Diagnosis (I dislike the word ‘disorder’ so have changed it to diagnosis) and at the extreme end, post-traumatic stress.

I had surgery three days ago to repair two muscles, one fully torn from the bone and the other partially. The pain is managed by a nerve block pump and oral medication. Repairing the physical injury is going to be a long one and require numerous physio sessions over the next 18 months.

Physio is a necessary part of healing the body. It can be painful, intense, emotional, and exhausting.

During our Coping Skills workshops I ask the audience who in the room has ever had physio? Over 90% acknowledge that at some time in their life they have required physio. I then state, “So you've all had therapy then?” The full term for the treatment is physiotherapy!

Why is it then that we struggle to tell others that we require mind (brain) therapy despite both treatments being similar. A physiotherapist will identify the cause of the injury by getting us to talk about what occurred and will generally push hardest on the part that hurts the most to release the blockage to get the blood flowing and reduce the pain. In a similar way, so does a psychotherapist or psychologist, they push hardest on the emotion that is the most painful to release the built-up energy thus reducing the pain.

As we have discussed in previous posts, emotions will come out, they must. They have to come out otherwise they will fester and grow and make it more difficult to repair the memory (injury) in the same way that it's important that we get physio sooner rather than later.

The main difference between the two therapies is that repairing emotional pain requires more effort from the client rather than the specialist doing all of the work. It can be very difficult to go back and relive an incident because the accompanying emotion will be refreshed and become real. However, it is a very necessary part of the healing process.

How am I dealing with the fluctuating emotions accompanying the flashbacks of the incident, by openly talking about them. Telling my confidante what happened, how scared I was when it happened, and how I'm feeling as I go through the repair process of body and mind.

I am learning to show no bravery, to not hide how I was feeling or what I was thinking during the fall to get the emotions out. It works, the flashbacks are reducing. Additionally, when we show our vulnerability to another, the person we are speaking with also finds it easier to open up about how they felt when they found out about the incident and how they feel as they see us go through the repair process. We share our emotions.

Talking about our emotions isn’t about moaning or complaining about what happened, it's acknowledging our true self and what we went through when the incident happened. Expressing an emotion significantly reduces it and if the person we are talking with acknowledges that expression it disarms the emotion so that is no longer as harmful as it might have been.

Talking about mind health should be no different to talking about body health for they are interconnected, both make us who we are, and I would suggest that the mind is more important. Visiting a counselor, psychologist, psychotherapist, or psychiatrist should be no different than visiting a GP or physiotherapist. They are necessary in our recovery.

Let's talk!

Resilience, Coping Skills, Adaptability.

There are many terms used to describe our ability to get through difficult times - resilience, grit, flexibility, perseverance, determination, adaptability - the list is considerable. Our preference at WARN is to use the word adaptability; providing coping skills to enable people to adapt to our busy world.

As research has shown, our resilience - the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties - is founded early in life, generally within the first 1000 days. Nevertheless, we can all tap into our resilience reservoir by changing certain thoughts and behaviours.

It is absolutely necessary to have stressors in our lives, it helps us to build the range of tools that we are required when adversity hits. The greatest tool we can have is the ability to manage our emotions. It's always about managing our emotions! There's only one way to learn how to manage emotions, go through something and learn from experience, termed experiential learning. 'Doing' manages our thinking which manages or emotional reaction.

The unfortunate thing about emotions is that they do not fully develop until our mid-twenties, some even say as late as our thirties. Moreover, if we experience too many emotional experiences at an early age it can have a long-lasting impact on our ability to cope later in life.

What does not kill us doesn't necessarily make us stronger, not if we aren't equipped or haven't used the tools necessary to process our emotions as we go through the challenge. And we know that the impact left in our memory is difficult to forget for it will now be a reference marker on our timeline for any future similar event.

To support this latter point, during a recent presentation I gave to a cancer support network, a person burst into tears when he described how hard it was to go through his new treatment following a second diagnosis of cancer. His emotional response was heightened further by having already been through the experience before. He was therefore more fragile this time because his earlier experience.

A helpful way to learn how to cope with 'life' is to expose ourselves to situations that take us out of our comfort zone, to stretch us to do things that we never imagined we could, to possibly frighten us a little. Something to get us to feel our emotional response and learn how to process the feeling and reduce it.

The best time to start learning about managing our stress responses is as early as possible, beyond the first 1000 days when we have grown fully into our limbic system where our emotions are regulated.

There is a balance between empowering our young to prepare them for life's challenges and putting them under too much pressure. Maturity is an important aspect of managing emotions. As discussed, too much pressure at too early an age where the brain hasn't developed adequately may reduce their ability to cope.

Hopefully this is helpful for you as an adult if you believe you aren't as resilient as others appear to be. It's not necessarily our fault, it may have been something that occurred which was outside of our control.

If you want to add to your level of resilience, there are some things that you can do to strengthen your ability to cope and adapt therefor not need to be so resilient. We all know the benefits of having a support network, of believing in yourself, of being optimistic, of managing change. Yet, how do we do that. Experientially is the best way.

Those who follow us know that we are fans of practical techniques. Don't dream it, don't think it, do it! There's certainly nothing wrong with visualisation, but the bottom line is that you still must take action at some point. Try some of these tips to improve your ability to cope with 'life' when life happens to you:

  1. Face your fears - how often have you said, "I could never do that". How would you know if you haven't tried? If you have tried and it didn't go as planned, give it another go and use what you learned from the first experience (experiment). It might be that you need to take small steps, that is certainly better than no steps at all.

  2. Set goals and work to achieve each - goals need not be large nor long-term, we all need something to work towards otherwise we will feel lost. The brain sees the top of the mountain but seldom how to reach the top. A series of small goals is the way, layover points between each goal to rest, and the mountain is yours to conquer.

  3. Start something new - what have you always wanted to try but have been dismissing as unachievable, or perhaps think "I'm too old now". Learning new skills keeps the brain interested, active, and alert. There are wonderful benefits in having a bucket list, remember to keep adding to it as you tick each one off.

  4. Work on problem-solving skills - puzzles, online quizzes, a games night, wordle, whatever it takes to get you thinking. Get involved in community projects where you can utilise problem solving and have the additional benefits of widening your support network and supporting others - altruism.

  5. Do one thing today that is different from yesterday - breaking patterns and habits can make us feel uncomfortable, embrace the change and the feeling that comes with it. Controlled disruption builds new neural pathways.

While doing any or all of the above, please remember to look after yourself . Stop any negative self-talk or self-doubt, prioritise what is important, keep moving forward, and always take a timeout when required. Believe in yourself.

We can become more adaptable, more able to cope with what life sends our way, we become more resilient. We all have the ability to change, this I promise you. For you are reading this post which means that you have got to this point. As someone sent to me last night 'You said to me that this feeling will pass, it did.'

Let's talk!

Avoiding Burnout.

Our last post - 'Am I At Risk of Burnout', brought up a few questions for some readers that might be useful for others to ponder.

What is the single major cause of burnout - according to the Harvard Business Review, the biggest contributor of burnout is feelings of chronic overloading. For me, I would remove the word feelings and simply say, chronic overloading. There are limitless examples of people carrying the workload of others due to low staff numbers or through job creep. Job creep occurs when we are asked (told) to take on tasks outside the scope of the job description we were appointed under.

The three key dimensions of burnout is overwhelming exhaustion stemming (mainly) from a mentally demanding role. This is followed by feelings of cynicism and detachment from the job, then a sense of ineffectiveness and lack of accomplishment. If you are operating outside of the scope of your agreed role, it's time to talk with your supervisor or boss.

Something to keep at the back of mind, additional money doesn't equate to a reduced risk of burnout, it is the redistribution of workload that is more important. Receiving additional remuneration is great, yet if the high workload remains so does the risk.

Can I remain working while recovering from burnout - yes, is the simple answer. Then comes the depends, something needs changing if you are to recover. An intervention strategy of changing our workload or pattern and relaxation habits is a great start. Simple changes do make a big difference - 30-minutes of exercise at the end of the day to reduce cortisol levels, regular breaks across the day, a power nap of no more than 30 minutes, drinking less caffeine, or introducing a form of breathing/mediation/relaxation technique is a fantastic start.

Personally, I alternate the type of work I am doing to activate a different part of the brain. Work on a blog post, then write a couple of emails, then connect with a client or two, then.... When I'm feeling overwhelmed, it's time to stop and take the dog for a walk or have a cuppa. Labouring through tasks until they are fully completed often ends with being stuck in the mud. Mixing it up brings variety, excitement, replenishment, and satisfaction.

I love my job but not my boss, is that a factor to consider in burnout - yes, a toxic relationship with your boss often leads to anxiety, stress, and fatigue. These are key factors associated with burnout. There are plenty of resources available online to help with managing a poor relationship with a supervisor, speaking with human resources is a good start. If you enjoy your job and want to remain then the relationship with your boss must change.

Can I get burnout if I hate my job? - while hating your job may be a contributing factor, it is highly unlikely that simply hating your job would lead to burnout. As referenced earlier, burnout is caused from an overload of work, burnt out! It is therefore important to distinguish between the two, hating your job and burnout. In her blog for the website HIRED, Lauren Hoffman suggests four questions to ask yourself to distinguish between the two:

  1. Are your symptoms physical - if the answer is yes, it is more likely you have burnout. Symptoms of burnout include headaches, backaches, panic attacks, or stomach problems.

  2. Does your work monopolise too much time - working 60+ hours a week is way too much, although you can get burnout when working part-time, it is more about the demand placed on you when at work. If the demand of the part-time role necessitates that you to work additional hours outside of your contracted hours, then it may be burnout.

  3. Can you see yourself being happy in another job - Hoffman suggests writing a list of alternative jobs that you could do. If the list comes easily to mind and/or you feel better after writing the list, it might be time to leave your current role.

  4. Does a mini-break help - when you take a week away from work do you feel yourself start to recover? If so, it is more likely to be burnout, or the start of burnout. If not, you probably just hate your job.

If you have a job you hate, you can leave or you can find alternate ways of doing your work to bring variety. Hating your job is a stressor that we can all do without.

What is the number one strategy for recovering from burnout - rest, without a doubt. Taking a week off completely free of all connection with work to allow our brain to rest, process what is going on, and recover. A brain needs time to sit as still as possible, just like any other injury would.

Rest also means reducing or keeping away altogether from social media. I cannot count the number of people who have found reducing their social media use the most beneficial thing to do for reducing stress. Research shows that smart technology is addictive due to the release of dopamine (it's how we learn) and too much dopamine is linked to being more competitive, aggressive, and having poor impulse control.

Thanks to those who sent these wonderful questions through, I hope they are helpful for others.

Let's talk!

Am I At Risk Of Burnout?

Sometimes it feels like we are working too hard and might wonder - am I at risk of burnout?

Burnout is work-related and described as a state of physical or emotional exhaustion that involves a sense of reduced accomplishment and loss of self-identity. Burnout is not, however, a medical diagnosis. Burnout can be caused by a heavy workload, working long hours without a break, a lack of work-life balance, or feelings that you have little to no control over your work.

Are there other causes? Yes. Disliking your job is a big one, being asked to do things that go against your personal values is another, or continually being stretched outside of your comfort zone a third. Many things can underpin burnout - in my case it was the accumulation of stressful events that I wasn't dealing with adequately.

Burnout is more prevalent in what is termed the helping professions where emotional exhaustion is common. Nurses, doctors, social workers, teachers, first responders, and similar professions. Burnout is more psychological than it is physiological, with the symptoms manifesting as both. Working too hard in a physical industry is more likely to cause a chronic injury, although it may lead then to a psychological illness.  

Common characteristics of burnout include: frequent illness; disengagement; frustration; feelings of helplessness & hopelessness; the loss of motivation. At its worst, burnout can cause suicidal tendencies. Burnout is not a 'thing inside of our heads', it is real and serious.

Burnout is becoming a major contributing factor to depression. Burnout was the major cause of my own depression and suicidal ideations.

Although there are many similarities between burnout and depression, there are differences. According to many academic readings, the key difference between burnout and depression is that burnout relates to a specific circumstance whereas depression is more generalised.

Where burnout can cause us to feel negatively towards a specific situation, i.e. our work, depression can make us feel negative about lots of different things all at once.

Living with burnout can cause us to lose confidence in only some of our abilities whereas depression can cause a loss of confidence in our ability to do anything at all. Burnout can make us think that we have failed at a something specific. Depression may cause us to feel as though we have failed as a person or failed at life.

If removing the source of the stress, such as changing your work patterns or getting a new job, makes you feel better then chances are you have burnout despite some of the symptoms of burnout and depression overlapping.

As is the case with most psychological challenges that we face, prevention is the key. I work harder now than ever before, probably twice as hard as when in the police where my burnout occurred. The key difference now, I manage my breaks and sleep much better. Surrounding myself with good people who will tell me when I need to take a break is a real key factor. My family!

There is a saying, "If you love what you do you will never work another day in your life." Bollocks. I love what I do and I work hard at it. The difference: enjoyment, connection, excitement, helping others, travel, and most importantly, variety. If you dislike your job and work long hours, you are at high risk of burnout because rest is not instant. Additionally, if you dislike your job, you are receiving the negative hormone cortisol as part of our stress response.

Cortisol is bad, very bad in fact. Cortisol keeps us in a continual heightened state so that we will not be able to relax or sleep quickly. Exercise helps to reduce cortisol so 30-minutes of cardio at the end of the workday is helpful. When we talk with others we produce oxytocin which helps to dissolve cortisol, so that helps. The best way to manage burnout is through prevention.

Prevention starts with the basics - good food, stable home, exercise, connecting with others, and a good night's sleep. If sleep is challenging for you, here is a sleep tips document that might be helpful. The best form of prevention though is to remove the cause altogether.

This may include scheduling regular breaks, setting strict boundaries such as hours of work, negotiating workloads, or ultimately finding work that you enjoy. Something must change, doing nothing adds to the burnout dilemma. Take action now if you believe you may have burnout.

Burnout often needs some form of external intervention otherwise it's just ourselves talking to ourselves about ourself. Having someone close to you to tell you that you need to slow down or take a break is a wonderful resource to have. Even if it is just a cat sitting on a keyboard glaring at you to take a break!

Let's talk!

 

It's Not Necessarily Our Fault!

An Aunty recently sent a photo of me as a baby. My first thought was of my parents who had the same photo on our lounge wall which I was always uncomfortable with, more so as a teenager when my friends came to our home.

Looking at the photo a second time today, I now see only innocence and pondered - I wonder what you might be thinking when this photo was taken if you only knew what the future held for you? Innocence is what we are all born with. Innocence of what the future holds for us. Needing to be loved, wanting to be valued, hoping to be our best self, wishing that…. 'Life' then happens, and the innocence is gone.

I have never truly looked back on my life until very recently for fear of remembering the bad times, the failures, the disappointments, the regrets. There are many, but seldom do they come to mind these days. Why? Because we all must realise that life happens and much of it, I now realise that we had little or no control over. We certainly had little control over what life 'threw' at us, the bad things that happen to us. If we did have control, it tended to be reflecting only on why we made the choices we did either prior to or following the bad event.

The innocence of a child. No choice whatsoever from the very beginning as to how life will unfold. Being born was not our choice, the family we were born into another that was not ours to choose, nor was there choice in how we were raised, what school we went to, nor the food we consumed. Most choices were made for us, our future life almost preordained rather than from our own influence.

Genetics, the first 1000 days, our environment. Many factors influence what occurred to us as we grew and made us into who we have become. Choice only comes to us as we grow older and then those choices remain influenced from what happened in our early childhood. It’s not necessarily our fault how life unfolds for us when bad things happen. Not unless we made a rational decision unfettered from our past influences, and who can do that with any certainty.

Our work at WARN allows us to speak with many people, a majority of whom have ongoing regrets. Regrets are often self-destructive. They were designed as simple reminders of things past to enable us to avoid them in the future. 'Don’t go down by the river because you were nearly eaten by a crocodile last time you did so'. We then ruinate that we should have known better despite our forebears being able go down by the river safely! Regrets are merely designed to keep us safe, to avoid future risk. So often they don't!

A practical exercise you may find helpful if you think that you have made poor choices in your life which led to bad events occurring is to look back on your life and examine the choices that you made when bad things happened. What influenced you to make the choices that you made in each one? Was it freewill, what you had learned, misfortune, or perhaps it was something intuitive? Was it truly your fault that the choice you made was without any influence whatsoever?

I suspect seldom was it a choice that we made rationally at the time that led to a bad outcome. I'll wager that there was a lot of emotion involved when the decision was made, and the stronger the emotion the more regret we will be left with.

We continuously look to the future in these fast-paced times, intermittently we are in the present when required to focus, seldom do we look back and often only to regrets. Look back to good times, look back to make amends if you can, and always look back to regrets to see what influenced our choice at that time.

If we want to find answers as to why 'life' happened, we must always look back. We should examine the reason or reasons behind our decision which will help us to see that the choice we made may not have been ours alone. We were influenced by other factors, emotions being the biggest one.

It’s not necessarily our fault. Life happens. Often for no valid reason, it just happens. Mostly, it’s out of our total control. There are just so many influencing factors that we could not see clearly enough to fully consider. Not an excuse, simply a reason.

It’s not necessarily our fault.

Let's talk!

Our Valued Clients

To see a full list of our clients please click on the images above