Dealing With Adversity

Dealing With Adversity.

Having received many questions over the weekend about a programme that we ran last week on dealing with grief, it might be helpful for others if the information was shared to a wider audience.

Grief in particular can be very challenging to move on from, as can many other adverse challenges that we face. The closer the relationship to the person who passed, or the higher the emotion felt during the event that we faced, and the more that we continue to focus on that event, will always result in a downward spiral.

As we replay the event over and over in our mind - the loss of a loved one, the loss of a job, a relationship breakup, witnessing a horrific incident - the details can become distorted with this repeated replaying which in turn negatively affects our memory of it. If we don't do something about managing these distorted thoughts there is a high chance that we will find it terribly difficult to move forward.

It is said that we go through a recognised cycle when adversity hits, the grief cycle. This cycle is based on a model developed in 1969 by Swiss-American psychiatrist, Elizabeth Kübler-Ross, who worked for many years with terminally ill people. It remains largely valid today despite us knowing more about the brain than ever before. In fact, that same cycle is a useful model for dealing with all adverse events.

The five stages - denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance - can be felt in various forms, in various order, with no time attached to each stage. We are each the same, yet different.

For me, the cycle is not quite as descriptive as suggested. The is no clear delineation between the stages nor what happens in each stage. In fact, the entire process seems more like a washing machine cycle than a stage by stage recovery process. Here's what many find as they go through the process of dealing with adversity:

Disbelief - shock, horror, and numbness. Similar to denial is a complete disbelief of what occurred. We may have thoughts of; these things always happen to someone else but not me, it must wrong, I am going to wake up tomorrow and everything will be okay, it is just a bad dream.

Roller coaster - we may experience a complete range of emotions; sadness, anger, anxiety, despair, fear, guilt, regret, the list goes on. Many of us will find ourselves getting angry at the person for dying - how dare they do this to me - all of these emotions are usual (normal).

Negotiating - making promises, deals and pleas with; a higher power, other people, or yourself. "I promise if you get me through this I will or never will...." We look at ways to move forward but reluctant to do so as we don't ever want to forget what has occurred. We do try to bargain to move on, mostly with ourselves.

Exhaustion - in the following days, weeks, or months of heightened emotions we get tired, fragile, and vulnerable. Melancholia (deep sadness) from exhaustion sets in. This is the time to be gentle on ourselves because we are at our most sensitive. It's the time now to reflect on what occurred, the time to forgive us and others, the time to rest, the time to allow ourselves the pleasure of experiencing life again.

Recovery - When we have rested, when we feel the desire to make a change, and only when we are ready and not when others tell us to, it's time to move forward. Know that you will never ever forget what has happened, yet with time the vivid event will lessen its negative impact on our memory and we will remember how strong we are.

Overcoming significant adverse events takes time and the amount of time needed depends. It depends on the emotional connection, it depends on the amount of emotions involved in the event, it depends on how long we have relayed the event in our mind, and it depends also on our upbringing. The smoother our upbringing the greater the chance that we have of a faster recovery. Or so it is said. We are the same yet different.

Give yourself permission to grieve, permission to experience the full range of emotions, permission to negotiate as much as you need to, then give yourself permission to rest, to recover, and to move forward. We are harder on ourselves than others are. Most of us are far more likely to be sensitive and caring to others who have been through the washing machine cycle than we are to ourselves.

If it is grief that we are working through, think about what the person who passed would have wanted you to do. Chances are they would want you to remember them for only the good things, the happy times, and to move on with our lives. Few people would want us to languish in despair.

Let's talk!

Am I Okay, Things Seem Uncertain?

Have you noticed yourself feeling uneasy lately, maybe thinking (talking) to yourself more than usual, not recalling things with the same detail that you once did, perhaps unable to get to sleep as fast as usual, and even having the occasional outburst of anger or tears?

These are usual (normal) behaviours that we can expect over the next few months and beyond as we go through the roller coaster of emotions that uncertainty and adversity brings.

In New Zealand, we have gone through the first wave of a pandemic that had a lot of us wound up tighter than ever before as we tried to figure out what was happening. The apocalypse was upon us. Our mind worked overtime which left us tired, and when we fell asleep we had strange dreams as our mind continued to try and rationalise the irrational.

The pandemic also brought us closer together as those who were already struggling with negative thoughts before the pandemic were able to help those around them who found the level 4 lock-down unnerving. Many extroverts found it really challenging working from home, gym-goers had difficulty staying active, shoppers weren't able to go out and shop, and so it goes.

Some of us had great plans to read all of the books on our shelves, binge-watch our favourite series, or tackle that pesky task that we never had time to do before now. Did you do any of those things or did you find yourself making excuses that there was too many other more important things to do? If you did do those things, do you remember doing them or the content?

Now that we are through the 'full focus' mode of Level 4, our mind will want to rest and recover, as happens with any traumatic event. This period is often more challenging than the event itself as our mind begins to unwind and work through what just occurred.

Right now, some of us will be finding it truly difficult to settle into our new normal. We are already seeing a spike in people struggling with negative thinking, becoming even more vulnerable, more fragile.

The closeness we felt during the lockdown has become an even wider gap for those who were struggling prior to the lockdown. The level playing field of lockdown has gone and now even more of us are struggling.

How can you help yourself and those around you when establishing our new normal after any adversity. Simply, connecting with each other. Openly discussing with each other how we are feeling, what we are going through, our challenges, and how we are getting through each day. You may be surprised at how many of us are going through exactly the same as you.

Next, find your new normal by adhering as much as possible to your previous rituals, (routines) but, do one thing each day that challenges you. One thing that beaks the pattern, one thing that takes you out of your comfort zone, one thing that scares you just a little bit.

For some of us, that one thing is just getting through the day. And, that's okay.

We should never try to change too many things when we are down, that's the time to focus on just getting through the day. Changes in our life should be made when we are at our best, our strongest, when we usually enjoy the high before the next low comes.

Comfort yourself that this is our new normal, uncertainty. The sooner that we accept it and adapt to it, the easier it will become.

So what are you going to do today, other than talk with others, that takes you out of your comfort zone and that you can celebrate? Even if it is just getting through the day, that's worth celebrating. Then, look to tomorrow for the next exciting adventure. We've got this, together.

Let's talk!

The Real Life Heroes.

When we think of real life heroes, what immediately comes to mind - military, police, fire, ambulance - all of whom do amazing work. It might be - doctors, nurses, teachers, caregivers - again all doing incredible things. Then there are those who often go unnoticed - mothers, fathers, siblings - always there when you need them.

For me, real heroes are also those who struggle with getting through what a lot of us take for granted, daily life. Those who get out of bed each day despite the desire to hide under the blankets. Those who have a shower and put on clean clothes despite the fact that they aren't leaving their homes. Those who take their medication or undergo medical treatment despite the desire to cease.

It takes a lot of effort to keep moving forward when you can see no reason to. It takes even more effort to focus on routine daily tasks when you cannot see the need to. It takes amazing willpower to keep going when all you want to do is to stop.

To those in continual pain, to those in the depths of anxiety or depression, to those who have lost a loved one, to those who can't find a reason to keep going but still do, you are all genuine real life heroes.

Celebrate the fact that you got up, got showered, got dressed. Celebrate that got a can of food and ate it, that you walked to your letterbox, that you went to the shops, that you simply got moving.

We tend not to want to celebrate our small victories when we feel it isn't one. Most people do these things every day right? But, they are not where you are so don't compare yourself with them. You are you, not them.

It is a massive victory for you to do these small tasks, regardless of what others do. Celebrate your achievements no matter how small they might seem to others, it is you that matters. You are what counts. You are the hero.

Plus, you also have an obligation to keep going. That's right, an obligation. You are obliged to help others who might be n the same situation as you. Because you are going through a really tough time, you have an obligation not just to celebrate but also to share. To share your journey so that others can learn from you. You are now a teacher, a leader, someone to look up to.

Heroes became heroes not just for what they have done, they became real heroes because they were able to tell people about what they learned from their experience. They are heroes because they are there to support others who are in the same position as you. And together, you will learn, grow, and recover.

You are a real hero, you must know that. We are all stronger than we think we are, you have the strength like no other has. Go, right now, and celebrate your victory. Go, right now, and share your story. Become an even greater hero. A legend.

Let's talk!

Vulnerable Customers Are Everywhere

"We all have our cross to bear" was a way I once dismissed other people's challenges which I deeply regret to this day. I was ignorant. I was uncaring. I was selfish. Then, depression came along and changed me, for the better I hope. I was awakened through knowledge and understanding.

I would venture to say that there is not one amongst us who does not have something significant going on in our life that consumes our thoughts - financial hardship, domestic violence, racial bias, bullying, physical health issue, aged, even death - all of which takes a toll on our mind-health (mental health).

Because of this, we each become vulnerable at some point. Vulnerable to anxiety, depression and major health problems. Statistics state that 1-in-5 of us will have a mind-health challenge in any 12-month period, 1-in-2 of us in our lifetime. The statistics are wrong, in my humble opinion.

It might be the work that we are involved with that brings a bias, but I am yet to speak with a person who has not been, is now, or on the verge of being in a vulnerable situation. More so today following Covid-19. And, it is set to get worse unless we do something about it.

Having recently spent a week with a major government contact centre (MBIE) coaching on how to manage vulnerable customers, it is apparent that more and more of us are becoming vulnerable given the increased volume of calls from such people. The biggest contributor seems to be financial hardship closely followed by health issues, physical and/or emotional.

Furthermore, it's not just their customers, it is the staff who deal with vulnerable customers who are also at risk.

Not only are they managing vulnerable people, they also have their own personal challenges just like the rest of us have. Emotional dissonance is a major issue for the customer service industry, being asked to react in a way that is counter to what we as humans would want to react if we feel attacked or emotionally attached.

What can we do to help those of us who have, are, or may be on the cusp of becoming vulnerable? Just like my earlier awakening, knowledge is the key to understanding. Understanding what is going on with the majority of us is a great start, understanding that each of us does have a cross or two to bear at any given time, and understanding that we can help with empathy without becoming vulnerable our self.

The biggest single thing that we can all do, whether managing a vulnerable customer or when talking with a colleague or friend who is in a vulnerable situation is to listen. Listen without fixing.

The next thing we can do is to acknowledge their situation - "Thank you for sharing", "I appreciate you telling me what is going on", "I can only imagine what you are going through", "That must be difficult" - and so it goes. An emotion that is acknowledged is disarmed, validated as they say in psychology.

The third thing that we could do is to share, only if appropriate to do so - "I had something similar happen to me", "You are not alone in what is happening", "Sadly this is becoming more common" - to tell the person that they are not alone. It is normal to feel this way.

Only if applicable, only if you have established a good rapport, and only if you are genuine, you could ask - "Have you told anyone else", "Are you getting any support", "Would you like me to provide you with details of an organisation who might be able to help".

Leaving a vulnerable person in a vulnerable position without offering support leaves them vulnerable still.

If you are reading this post and are in a vulnerable position, reach out, right now. If you do not know who to reach out to, reach out to us and we will provide you with guidance. No cost, no strings attached, nothing needed from you except for you to trust us, to trust me who has been in a similar place to you. Because we trust in you.

Let's talk!

Changing The Rules? Communicate Effectively.

Some of us find it challenging to follow rules, regulations, or instructions. So too do others find it difficult when these are new, change, misunderstood or inconsistent. And so, it is the same with our current dilemma in New Zealand of people 'escaping' from our so termed Managed Isolation facilities.

In my humble opinion, rules, regulations, or instructions must be as clear and simple as possible. They must also be delivered in various formats and account for age and language capabilities. Additionally, the person hearing, reading, AND watching the rules, regulations or instructions must be in a sound cognitive state.

Let's look at the term Managed Isolation and what that might mean for a returning New Zealander. The Oxford dictionary defines the word manage as "to take charge of" and the word 'isolation' means simply, alone. Therefore, we are telling people that "we will be in charge of them being alone".

What if the term was changed to 'Supported Separation' or 'Supported Prevention'. The simple act of changing the term 'social distancing' to 'physical distancing' comforted a lot of us, could Supported Separation do the same for returning Kiwis?

Some people do not enjoy having restrictions imposed on them, it feels uncomfortable at best. Tell a child not to touch something and chances are they will want to. Similarly, how many of us felt restricted when we were told not to go hunting, fishing, or to travel across town during Level 4. We might not have been going to do any of those things but the mere fact that someone said 'you are no longer allowed to' compelled us to want to.

When we introduce new rules into our workplaces, how long does it take before everyone complies, often it is a month or two. So to it is for those who are returning to NZ. Moreover, if we change existing rules, regulations or instructions there is great difficulty in making such changes. Those monitoring compliance of the rules, regulations or instructions in the facilities have had many changes made to their operational procedures over recent weeks.

Now let's look at the facilities themselves. Imagine if you were told upon arriving into a country that you were being taken to a 4-star hotel were you would be 'quarantined' for two weeks. Two weeks in a flash hotel with free room service and internet might sound appealing, but what about if you had been stuck overseas for many weeks trying to get home to your family. Or, wanting to visit a family member who is dying. Or, if you had an addiction or health issue. Or...

You arrive at your wonderful hotel to find it surrounded by 2-metre high fencing shrouded in black sheeting with people dressed in a variety of uniforms guarding the perimeter. And some were police officers. Is that what you expected?

"Everyone else had to do it" you tell yourself. "If 33,000 other people could do it, I can. After all, it's only two weeks". Then you find out that those 33,000 other people weren't in the same managed isolation as you are today. You hear that the very first returnees were placed in camper vans on the picturesque Whangapararoa peninsula? And then you find out that some people did go shopping, did get out, but they never got caught until the media highlighted gaps in the system.

How many of us during Level 4 had wonderful ideas of reading books we always wanted to read, binge-watching a series, finishing that painting job, and the myriad of other tasks that we had set ourselves. Did you do any of those? If you did, do you remember the stories or the challenges you found in doing them? Possibly not.

At Level 4 we had restrictions, we complied, but how many of us truly complied to the exact rules, regulations or instructions set for us. You kept your distance, you drove only to the shops and back, and you never met with anyone from outside of your immediate bubble. I venture to say some of us may not have.

How then can we ensure that returnees comply with the rules, regulations or instructions. Threats and sanctions? These work for most people, or so we may think. Who reading this post has never erred against a rule, regulation or instruction. Many countries have a high penalty for murder yet it never stops murders from occurring. The carrot tends to work better these days, more so than the stick.

Engaged communication is the key to success in most situations we we are asking people to comply with a rule, regulation or instruction. Importantly, explaining why the rules, regulations or instructions are necessary, rather than just saying - "Here are the rules, regulations or instructions".

Rules, regulations or instructions are there for two main reasons - to keep us safe or for fairness. In the case of returnees, we can use both as the main point of what we asking them to do.

"You are being taken to a Supported Separation hotel where you will remain to ensure the safety of yourselves and all New Zealanders. The restrictions are the same for everyone returning and we cannot stress enough that we have eliminated Covid-19 community transmission because of the sacrifice we have all made and that you are now making".

I am certain that not everyone will agree with what I have proposed. What I ask of you if you disagree, has what we have done so far worked? I recall a saying that our Prime Minister used, "We are all in this together". Changing 'I' and 'Me, to 'Us' and 'We' brings us closer.

Let's talk!

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