Impostor Syndrome

Impostor syndrome, I knew what it was but didn't know it had a name. Like me, many people have this - not believing they have the necessary skills for their current role, telling themselves they don't deserve to be in the position they are in, feeling that they are a fraud.

If you have this syndrome, you will dismiss your successes as pure luck and not from your hard work. Or, maybe you will attribute your successes to those around you. I once thought it was self-doubt, and to an extent it is.

It was first thought that impostor syndrome was more prevalent in women, recent studies show it is 50/50 men and women. It is not a mental disorder in case you are wondering, it is simply a reaction to certain stimuli.

There are therapies to overcome this phenomenon if you wish to pursue them. But do you really need them?

You could instead focus on these simple things;

• Accept that you are as good as others say you are and that you got to where you are because of you.
• Stop comparing yourself to others, each of us is unique and have something to offer.
• If you make a mistake, it's not because you are an impostor, it's because you made a mistake. That's all, a simple mistake.
• Don't hold back, prove to the world that you are as good as others say that you are.
• Speak up, tell others what you know, be part of that high-level conversation.

Have confidence that you are better than you think you are, that you are where you are today because of your skills, that you deserve everything you have worked for.

After all, humility is a good thing, and may be that's all it is for you.

Let's talk!

What Is Stress & Can I Control It?

It's important to control stress because often, stress leads to psychological problems. Stress plays an important role in the development of anxiety disorders and depression. Here's what science tells us about stress.

Stress comes in both good and bad forms, stress can be both physical and psychological, stress in the short term can be good but stress in the long term is bad for us. We need some stress to get out of bed, to look for danger, to stay alive. What we don't need is negative stress.

Stress affects individuals in different ways stemming from how each of us reacts to a particular situation. If you persistently react negatively to a situation then this can be detrimental to your health.

So what causes stress? Stress can be caused through both internal and/or external factors.

Internal factors come from our thoughts, attitudes, beliefs, memory, imagination, desires, perceptions, lack of sleep distorting our views, etc. Internal stressors are self-induced more often than not. External factors may come from our environment, work, relationships, home, major life changes, and other daily challenges. For the most part, external stressors are out of our control. Or are they?

To overcome internal stress, we must learn to 'think' differently to control our thoughts or change our perception, to stop distortion. No easy task but it can be done nonetheless. Essentially, negative thoughts lead to a negative life.

Here's the kicker, although you may have no control over external stressors, you can control how you respond to the situation and therefore, how much they affect you.

For example, if you are stuck in slow traffic you can choose to let yourself become anxious and worried or you can sit back and listen to the radio or think about what you are going to do when you get to your destination. Becoming anxious about the slow traffic won't help the traffic move any faster. If you are stressed by someone at work, then you can choose to let them get you down or you can choose to tell yourself that it is their problem and not yours. Note: bullying should never be tolerated and must be reported.

Some people have a low threshold for external stress, if you are one of those then it is up to you to take back control. You start by controlling what you can control, your thoughts.

There are many other ways to help you relieve stress - exercise, yoga, laughing, meditation, mindfulness, sleep, socialisation, reducing caffeine, changing your environment, building positive relationships, the list goes on. Each of these things directly impacts positively on your thoughts.

Is stress just a thought? Simplistically, yes it is. If there are no other influencing factors such as an underlying medical condition, then take control of your thoughts before they take control of you.

Let's talk!

Don't Treat Others How You Would Want To Be Treated.

No doubt you have heard it said before - "Treat others how you would like to be treated". That was relevant many years ago, in my opinion this statement is no longer applicable. Why?

Each of us have different thoughts, opinions, and expectations.

Apart from the fact that there are now five generations in the workplace, each of whom think quite differently, and that some of us use a lot of social media which research shows can alter our thoughts, and that each of us varies in the amount that we use technology, 10% of who we are makes each of us just a little bit different.

Both science and research indicates that around 50% of 'who we are' is hereditary, 40% of who we are comes from what we have done in our lives, and the remainder (10%) of who we are comes from our circumstances.

As a broad generalisation, each of us varies in who we are by around 10% from the person next to us. And, that 10% can make a huge difference when it comes to dealing with each other.

Research also tells us that if you want to change something in your life, focus on it through intentional actions and you can influence who you are. Intentional actions involve both psychology and physiology, thoughts and actions, mind and body.

A leopard can't change it's spots but it can think it has stripes if it acts like a tiger and believes it is one.

Each of us is unique, and while we can change our thoughts, opinions and expectations, there will remain a legacy of that 10% variation.

In short, don't treat others how you would like to be treated. You may not care if others are rude to you provided they get to the point quickly. You may not mind waiting around for long periods just to get served, provided you eventually get served. You may not mind if others swear at you provided they make a joke while doing so.

Treat other people with respect. It's that easy.

Treat others as though they were your most precious loved one. Treat others as though they were your childhood hero. Treat others as though this is the last thing that anyone is going to do for them.

Treat everyone, regardless of what you think of them, with respect.

Let's talk!

Just Sigh!

I have been trialling various breathing techniques over the last few months to see if what is suggested by others, works. They all do I am pleased to say. However, what I have noticed recently as I get busier and busier is how I tend to hold my breath more and more.

As 'life' becomes faster and more complicated with technological advances, we tend to forget about the basics - conversing with others face-to-face, listening to the dawn chorus, noticing the vista as we drive by, taking a minute to centre ourselves, and breathing.

Some of you might say, "I do that every day", and you might well do so. But do you think about your breathing while doing so? Our breathing has become shorter and sharper these days. I know that if I stop and take three long slow quiet breaths I tend to get dizzy from the sudden intake of oxygen to the brain. My brain isn't acclimatised to that much oxygen.

More recently, I have discovered the benefit of a sigh. As our breathing becomes short and sharp, we tend to not fully expel all the air from our lungs. In the evenings as I sit down to slow down before bedtime, I have found myself sighing, a lot!

When I do sigh, I feel the tension going out of my muscles.

Sighing has long been associated with a sense of frustration and, for my generation, we where told that it was rude to sigh. No it's not. Importantly, I have since found out that sighing is a necessary part of our lung function.

Science indicates that, without sighing, tiny balloon-like sacs in our lungs known as alveoli can collapse and struggle to re-inflate themselves therefore we would have trouble continuing to breathe if we didn't sigh. When alveoli collapse, the lung struggles to exchange oxygen and carbon dioxide. The only way to pop them open again is to sigh, which subsequently brings in twice the volume of a normal breath.

So, when you feel yourself getting tense, when you feel like you aren't breathing adequately, when you feel like you might have too much air in your lungs, just sigh. Your Mum might not approve, but your body will.

Let's talk!

How Can You Tell If They Are Unwell?

I am so fortunate to have had burnout, I am so lucky to have gone into depression, I am so blessed to have had thoughts of killing myself. That sounds crazy, doesn't it?

When asked about what it was like going into the deep, dark, lonely, frightening depths of despair, my answer is always the same - "I hated it beyond belief and now glad that it happened to me." I no longer take life for granted, things don't just happen to other people, they can happen to any of us.

A common question I hear from parents during my presentations is "How can I tell if my son or daughter is suffering from depression?"

Psychology tells us that the person will become tired, listless, have trouble sleeping, no longer interested in what they previously enjoyed, increased use of alcohol or drugs, won't care about their appearance, won't smile, express feelings of hopelessness and helplessness, lose confidence, become irritable, and avoid conversations.

That is an accurate list. There are a couple of other signs that you might also look for;

• They get busy - trying to run away from their thoughts, they won't be able to sit still for too long, they keep moving in an attempt to consume and control their negative thoughts.
• They become isolated - shutting themselves off from their friends, no longer wishing to leave the sanctuary of their bedroom, wanting to shut out the world.
• They won't look at you - they avoid eye contact at all costs.
• They begin to look pale - when in the depths of despair, blood goes to the centre core to protect the vital organs.

For me, the greatest sign that someone is in the depths of darkness is the lack of socialisation - no longer will they talk to anyone nor will they look at your face when you talk with them. Their brain is telling them to do things to protect themselves - "Go and hide, go and sleep, don't talk to anyone."

Their brain tells them to do the opposite of what they should do.

So, what should you do to help your loved one;

• Look after yourself first - you must be in a good place before helping others.
• Don't try and fix it - you can't force someone to get better, they must want to get better.
• Reassure them - let them know that you are there, that you love them, that you will do everything for them, in their time.
• Be gentle - on yourself and on them. Guide them to seek professional help and offer to go with them if they want you to.

Fear the worst? - if you fear they might be suicidal, you don't have to ask them directly “Are you thinking of killing yourself” if you don’t want to or can’t. Tell them you have been reading about suicide, the terrible stats, and that you read this post. Ask them if they have ever thought about suicide.

Bottom line, when in the depths of despair, we do not know what we are doing nor do we think about the consequences of our actions. Our rational brain has long gone, we are now in survival mode, we do not understand logic.

If in doubt, get them help. Let's talk!