To Those Left Behind

I have no idea what it must be like to lose a child, nor would I ever want to. It is said, quite rightly so, that parents should never have to bury their child. We can only imagine the devastation, loss, soul-searching, and questioning that a parent would journey on the way to find answers.

In New Zealand, we currently have an epidemic of young people taking their own lives. I don't think that this is overstating the situation, international comparisons show us we are at the top of this sad statistic.

There has been a lot said about the suicidal victim, the person who took their own life, and not a lot about the primary victim, the parents and loved ones left behind to often wonder - what went wrong.

Nothing went wrong, except that a young person who struggled with coming to terms with events in their own life was eventually overwhelmed with their negative thoughts to the point where they could see only one option to stop the pain and hurt.

Having assisted the Coroner with many inquests into the successful suicides of young people, having intervened while young people intended to take their lives, and having been swamped with negative thoughts myself, I can tell you that there is no single reason nor single answer as to the cause of suicide.

It wasn't your fault, you did what you knew was right, you did everything that you could.

Having interviewed families of those who died from suicide, there were always so many questions left unanswered. Why didn't they ask for help, why didn't they tell someone, why didn't they come to me. If only...

Guilt, regret, blame, the list of emotions and thoughts is endless. Should I have taken them for another opinion, should I have forced them to get help, should I have had them committed, again the list is endless.

By all means grieve, grieve as much as you can, grieve for the loss of your baby. Please don't blame the system, please don't blame their friends, and most importantly, please don't blame yourself,

When we feel overwhelmed with negative thoughts, there is no clarity of thought. There is no simple way out, there is no obvious quick fix. The brain is not working as it normally would.

If I had one single suggestion for those who find themselves in this terrible and tragic situation of fare-welling a loved one to suicide - be kind to yourself. Be as gentle to yourself as you would have wanted to be gentle to your loved one.

Let's talk!

Are They Okay?

For such a small country, NZ is famous for over-achieving - rugby, sailing, mountaineering, engineering, farming, science, entrepreneurship - we can hold our heads high and be proud as a nation. There is one recent achievement that we should not be so proud of, our youth suicide rate.

Youth suicide is a world-wide phenomenon, NZ unfortunately leads the way.

The reasons for considering suicide are many; for the most part, it is due to a loss; a loss of status, loss of job, loss of relationship, a loss of something close to the heart of the person concerned. Often it is a combination of losses.

Fixing it requires a multifaceted approach, beginning in the home and with education. And I know there are better people than I who are working on how to reduce our rate of successful suicides.

What I would like to do is to offer a couple of tips on how to identify if someone is unwell and what you can do to offer immediate help. If you are wondering how I know this stuff, I have been on both sides of suicide - helping those in need and once considering it myself as an option.

Encouraging those who are struggling to reach out and speak about their troubles often won't work by itself, the person struggling is so unwell they don't know who to ask or how to ask. They are completely consumed by their negative thoughts and the emotional response this brings.

We know that exaggerated negative behaviour is an indicator - poor grooming, humourless, sullen, increased alcohol or drug consumption, express feelings of hopelessness & helplessness - the list is endless. It is negative thoughts leading to negative behaviour. There is a noticeable change in their posture and mood.

For the most part, those who are unwell won't look at your face when you talk to them. The brain is telling the person to hide from others. However, it can be difficult to judge this single indicator in young people because a lot of our young won't look at you when you talk with them anyway. They may also hide away in their room, won't go outside, won't be engaged in anything involving the family. Again, often this is just young people in general.

What young people stop doing the most when they are unwell is being with their mates. They reject all forms of human connection.

So what can you do to help them, apart from seeking expert help? Ask them how they are doing, it's that simple. "How are you, I am concerned about you, I care about you." Ask questions about what they are thinking about or what they are feeling. A light touch on the arm or shoulder may work as you ask questions - oxytocin is a powerful influencer.

If they don't want to talk then don't push them too hard or you might push them further away. Give them options, give them tips, give them hope.

End the communication by saying "I am here when you need me, will go with you when you want to see someone, and here if you ever want to just talk." Don't try to fix it unless they are really unwell - if they look extremely pale then you must get them immediate help.

Each day ask a simple question "How are you today", "How's it going", "I'm here if you want to chat" or the best sentence of all "I love you."

Encouraging those who are unwell to talk about their thoughts and feelings is how you as an individual can reduce the risk of suicide. 'An emotion expressed and acknowledged is disarmed'.

Go and visit your GP, see a psychologist, or speak with a Counselor to get more information and advice. And most importantly, look after yourself. You can't help anyone if you aren't on a solid foundation.

Let's talk!

Routine Vs Ritual.

You have heard it said many times, "If you don't like your job, go and find another one!" I say rubbish to that. If you don't like your job, change the way that you do it. On occasion we get into a rut at work, three letters that come from the word RoUTine. Routine can lead to boredom which can lead to complacency which can lead to accidents.

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you are dong your job and thinking about other things then something happens to snap you out of your thoughts and you wondered where your mind had been for the last 10 minutes? That's because you have got into a routine, you have become unconsciously competent.

Staying focussed can be difficult, there's a lot of distractions these days. So how do we remain focussed, how do we control our thoughts, how do we change what we are doing if we are required to do a job a certain way and can't change it? You get into rituals rather than routines.

The difference is mindset. A routine is where we are disconnected from what we are doing - wake up, brush our teeth, have breakfast, catch the bus, start work, coffee at 10, lunch at 12, etc. A ritual is doing the same thing but knowing the reason behind why you are doing these things. Mindfulness is another term if you want to use that.

I like to use the example of commercial pilots; before every flight they walk around the plane checking all of the bits are still where they should be, pushing the same buttons to make sure they still work, checking the water, fuel, and oil. They do the same mundane checks before every flight, often many times each day. How do they maintain an alertness, they 'think' about the reason as to why they are doing it.

Snipers, a unique group of people who can wait for days at a time staring at nothing, stay motivated using rituals. Sports players use rituals, those who work in dangerous fields use rituals, even those who work in mundane roles use rituals to stay in the moment.

So how do you change a routine into a ritual. There are a number of ways to do this - use a checklist to ensure that you don't forget anything, have someone check your work as you do it, use self-talk as you do your tasks by telling yourself why you are doing it, change the way you do your tasks to break patterns, or maybe think of yourself as a pilot going through those important checks.

Your mind is a wonderful thing, it is the accumulation of all the parts of your brain(s) that form your mind and then your mind controls your brain. In fact, your mind is more powerful than your brain, it can tell your brain how to react.

Whether you think you can, or whether think you can't, you're right - Henry Ford.

Don't change your job, use your mind instead. It's a lot less stressful and can turn your mundane job into an exciting one just like that of a pilot. And it will stop you from becoming complacent and reduce the risk of accidents.

Let's talk!

Be Yourself, It's Much Easier.

One of life's pressures for some of us is to try and change who we are according to what our family, friends, professionals, society or others say that we should do. This can cause anxiety and stress in our lives when we believe that we are not conforming to the expectations of others.

Sure, it's good to be fit, it's good to be mindful of what we eat, it's good not to smoke, it's good to avoid too much alcohol, it's good to have a work/life balance, it's good to keep our minds occupied, and it's good to conform to norms when appropriate.

The problem that some of us have is that we spend far too much time trying to change ourselves, trying to follow a strict regime, trying to get the work/life balance right, trying to conform to what others suggest of us. And this simply increases our stress levels as we try to meet those expectations, expectations of others and of our self.

A classic pressure that we put ourselves under relates to our physical health - we are told that we need to eat right, drink right, smoke less, eat less, exercise more, the list goes on. Yes, these are all good things to consider, but so is your mental health.

Striving to do all of the aforementioned suggestions places us under pressure, pressure that can easily turn to anxiety and stress if we believe we aren't meeting those expectations.

Our brains are wired in such a way that it is often difficult to make changes in our lives because what we want to change is deeply ingrained in or brain. It takes to sixty (60) to eighty (80) days to change a habit. Just one, single, solitary habit.

To reduce this tension that goes on inside of our heads, choose just one thing that you want to change in your life, something that will make a real difference to you, something that you want dearly to achieve. Then, focus on that single thing for eighty days minimum. When this new habit has become instinctive, i.e. a habit you no longer have to think about, pick just one more thing to change.

Over a year, you shouldn't try to change more than three habits, your brain won't like it. If you try to change too much at once your brain will become overloaded and will resist the changes. A conflict will occur inside your head, your brain will begin fighting with your mind, arguing about what is the right thing to do.

Each of us is very different, and that is what makes the world an interesting place. Relax, there is no such thing as the ultimate person.

While it is very important to look after ourselves, and I am an advocate that you should do the right thing as much as you can for your health, don't stress if you aren't or can't.

Be yourself, there is only one of you, you are unique, you are special.

Let's talk.

What NOT To Say!

When we know that someone is struggling, perhaps depressed, maybe they have depression, or worse still are having suicidal thoughts, it is important to support that person as much as possible.

Encouraging them to seek expert help is very important. However, sometimes the person does not want to get that help. The reasons for this are varied - I can fix myself, I am not mad, I just need time, things will get better, I am not as bad as you think I am - all of these thoughts are going through the struggling person's head.

Previously, I have spoken on what to do and say to the person you want to help, this time I will cover what NOT to say;

• "You'll be okay" - Reassure them by all means, but this statement sounds dismissive.

• "I know how you feel" - You may have been through something similar yourself however each of us is different. We can make generalisations but there are always unique differences with each of us.

• "Snap out of it" - Do you not think that they would have done do if it was so simple? Recovery time varies for each of us and it is often so slow that it is almost unrecognisable.

• "Harden up" - This will make most people worse because they will feel like a failure. It won't work for anyone.

• "This has been going on for far too long now" - Maybe it has, so what, they are still with you! It can be a swift dive down into the depths of despair but it is often a long and slow road back.

• "We all have our crosses to bare (tell everyone about)" - I am embarrassed to say that I once was a supporter of this mantra, until I became unwell. Each of us does have a cross or two to bare, we should help each other to carry the burden if we can.

• "I read about this cure" - While well-meaning, people can be overwhelmed by those wanting to help. Know that there is a lot going on inside the head of someone who is struggling, they don't need more information to add to their self-talk.

• "Have you tried..." - Similar to the sentence above, they probably have tried whatever you are going to suggest.

What should you say - "I am here for you for whatever you want or need. You are going through a tough time, I can see that. Please let me know if I can help and how I can do so. Take your time, I'll be here whenever you need me to be. If it's alright with you I will check in with you every now and then, it's no trouble because you mean a lot to us."

Let's talk!