STRESS Made Easy - 2

"Why am I so hard on myself?" I caught myself saying. "Why are things so hard", Why does it always happen to me", "Why do I worry so much", and "Why is the world against me?" These are things that we often ask ourselves, or worse, ask of others.

The reality for most of us is that the world isn't against us, we are simply looking at the negatives rather than the positives.

During the fight or flight response, our sympathetic nervous system is engaged and all hell breaks loose in our brain and body. If this happens often enough our brain will get into a pattern of behaviour and react negatively more and more often.

We then start to look continuously for negatives as our body goes into panic mode. It becomes a habit, a very bad one at that.

It is easy to say "All you have to do is to change your thoughts", and as we know it is much harder to do. The best way that I have found, as do many others, is to breathe correctly.

So what is a good breath - it is a long slow deep quiet intake of air to fill your lungs completely and then slowly release it taking the same time to breathe out as it did to breathe in.

In meditation, they will teach you breathe in for five seconds, hold your breath for five seconds and breathe out for five seconds. But we aren't doing meditation, we are learning how to breathe again.

Breathe in and out like this whenever you feel yourself getting angry, after a nervous event, when you feel uptight or anxious, and when you find yourself talking negatively.

Be careful not to take too many long, slow, deep, quiet breaths - you may become dizzy and in some people it can have the opposite effect. Just three of these long, slow, deep, quiet breaths is enough.

As you breathe like this, it much easier to change your thought patterns as a result. When you change your thought process you begin to engage your parasympathetic nervous system which opposes the sympathetic nervous system used in fight or flight mode.

If all of this breathing stuff sounds a bit too much for you, you could always use the tried and true method of changing your thoughts through a bit of NLP - every time you catch yourself in negative self-talk or worrying, flick a rubber band that is around your wrist. The pain will disrupt the pattern of behaviour. Many, many people have found this option helpful, but unfortunately they still need to learn to breathe properly.

It takes between 60 to 80 days to change a habit from the old to the new so you do have to work at learning to breathe properly again. But isn't everything good worth working for?

STRESS Made Easy.

Over this week I will talk about stress - the what, the why, and the how as well as simple ways in which to deal with stress.

It has been said that pressure leads to stress, but does it really?

Pressure, in a workplace context, is usually workload and time-frame, too much work and not enough time to do it in. Pressure is good for you provided you manage it appropriately, your brain likes to be excited and to use as much of it as possible. We can operate effectively under pressure and we get a real buzz when we are productive while under pressure.

Stress on the other hand is bad for you. It used to be that the only cause of stress was real and present danger, i.e. being attacked by an animal. This danger triggered our fight-or-flight response so that we could cope with the danger.

The most common causes of stress these days however is; a hostile boss, angry people, rude customers, stuck in traffic, and a myriad of personal demands such as balancing family activities and other life's challenges.

Research has determined that events which are either uncontrollable or unpredictable cause us the most amount of stress in our modern world. And believe it or not most of it is made up inside your head as your brain tries to figure out what the real and present danger actually is when in reality it isn't there.

The well-known saying - "If you think that you are stressed then you are" - is a reminder that our thoughts cause the fight-or-flight reaction to occur, not the situation itself.

I have heard it said many times, "My boss is stressing me out!" No they aren't, they are putting you under pressure, yelling at you, demeaning you, bullying you, or just being a dick. It's your internal reaction to their external action that causes you to feel under stress.

Therefore, the first technique to control stress, other than to deal with the situation head-on, is to control your thoughts. Change what you tell yourself. Do not 'think' to yourself that you are stressed, you aren't. You are 'busy', you are 'excited', or you are 'challenged'. Tell yourself that it is not you that has the problem, it is the situation that is the problem.

You can only control what you can control so when faced with an uncontrollable or unpredictable situation that you have little or no control over, other than to plan for contingencies as much as possible, is to change your thoughts.

Thoughts do make a difference, so what are you thinking about?

More Public Relations Errors.

Contemplating on PR errors as I have been recently, I noted a few common mistakes that companies make when issues are brought to the attention of the media. And there have been many over recent times.

The most common errors are: the CEO not fronting he media or fronting far too late; using sentences such as "There is no need to panic, we have this under control"; using jargon or large words in an attempt make you sound like you know what you are doing (it actually makes you sound arrogant); or not prepared to answer questions from the floor.

For most of us, focussing on the negative is how our brain operates. Recent studies indicate that the only long-term positive memories that we retain in great detail are memories of our holidays. The reason seems to be the heightened emotions and senses involved when we are on holiday which work to imprint the memory. These same two factors are involved when we face something adverse.

Because of this continued pattern of behaviour, our attention is drawn to finding the negatives in any situation, we tend to look for faults as a way of protecting ourselves. And when we find fault, we may experience a sense of satisfaction. (This may be the reason behind the 'tall poppy' syndrome although I suspect that it is more around jealousy than anything else).

So let's look at what good PR looks like;

1. Own it - if a mistake is made, acknowledge it and the damage (hurt) it caused.
2. Explain it - tell people what happened and the possible cause.
3. Fix it - what have you done to make it right.

Do not try and defend the indefensible. People can tell when you are trying to put a spin on a message, when you are trying to deflect responsibility by finding fault in something else, or when you are just making excuses.

Our brains will always do this, defend our position, because it is trying to help us. That's why many of us argue, we are simply defending our position even if we know that we are wrong.

The most important factor in all of this - be sincere. Stop reading from a piece of paper that has words written on it that was prepared by your PR team. Talk from the heart, not the script. 

Have We Lost The Plot When It Comes To PR?

Having watched a number of organisations managing their public relations (PR) after negative commentary in the media, and not doing a very good job at it in my humble opinion, I wondered - have we lost the plot when it comes to PR?

Furthermore, have we lost the plot with many of life's events? Do we over-complicate things, do we think too hard on what might or might not happen, are we trying to be too smart (too clever), or is it necessary in today's over-complicated world?

Without singling out one organisation in particular, there has been two recent PR struggles with a large sporting body in New Zealand who could have done much better, much sooner. It appears that they are using an old model of;

1. Ignore it and see what happens - "Today's newspaper is tomorrow's fish and chip wrapper."
2. Deny that it is your responsibility - "It's not for us to comment on, it is a decision made by another entity."
3. Get the fire brigade - "Let's put a heap of water on this and see if we can quell the fire of discontent.”

PR for me comes down to three things - should we make a comment, what should we say, and what is the predicted reaction to what we have just said?

The answer to the first questions is always, yes, you should always make comment. With the explosion of social media, unless you make comment others will do so for you. It’s basic physics really, a void will be filled with something.

As to the second question, the late Paul Holmes had a great line - "What would Mum think?" And that is the benchmark for most of us, what would an elderly lady want you to say to her if she was wronged?

As to the third question, it is easy to run a straw poll across a few people outside of your organisation to make an independent comment on what you are about to say. This removes 'group think' and gives you a fair indication of probable reaction. Better still go to the person impacted by what has happened and ask them what they think.

Organisations that make mistakes, and individuals for that matter, have two options; do nothing or do something. The former is never an option. The latter comes down to a simple test, "What would mum want?"

I dare say Mum would want you to apologise immediately, then tell her what you have done to make it better. Let's not over-complicate things, let’s use the KISS principle. 

Listening Is The Key To Good Communications

"We were given two ears and one mouth for a good reason" is the mantra of crisis negotiators - twice as much listening as talking will help you to build a rapport. How often do we actually do this, not that often I would suggest?

Additionally, how often have you tried to help someone by immediately problem-solving instead of finding out more about their problem first?

When communicating with others, particularly those who are seeking help, do not let your brain control what you say. When we are helping others, we get excited and go into a similar zone to that of the fight-or-flight response. This interferes with our ability to listen.

Control yourself with a few simple techniques;

1. Listen to what the person is saying - do not guess their answer or hear only what you want to hear and never ever say the first thing that comes int your head because it is usually wrong.
2. Resist the urge to interrupt - allow them to finish off their sentence completely before responding and do not finish their sentence for them.
3. Allow them to take their time - do not rush someone, allow them to tell you everything in their own time. Take long, slow, deep, quiet breaths and listen.
4. Stay focussed - do not let your mind wander, listen intently to every word so that you get the entire message.
5. Don't guess - try not to think of your next question while they are still talking.
6. Use open questions - start your sentences with either 'what' or 'how' to encourage the other person to talk more.
7. Control your volume, speed and tone - keep your volume low, your rate of speech slow, and your voice calm. We mirror these three things when we communicate, as well as the length of our sentences.
8. Don't take it personally - if you are being criticised, do not get angry, learn from it or dismiss it.
9. Control your expressions - unconscious bias (I prefer to use subconscious bias) shows as micro-expressions on our face. Control them by smiling but only if appropriate of course.
10. Paraphrase - when the other person has finished, go back over what they have said to confirm that you have got it right. Do not say that you 'understand' because you don't.

By making it about them you will gain empathy, trust, and respect. And you may not even have to problem-solve.