What I Discovered While in the Mire.

In 1999, while not looking after myself, I went down into a deep hole that a lot of us go into from time to time. Unlike most other times, I went deeper than before and found it was much easier to go down further than it was to climb back up.

Replacing: natural sleep with medicated rest; talking with others to talking with myself (inside my head); looking others in the eye with staring at my feet; talking with my wife with avoiding contact; asking for help with going it alone; and identifying that I was unwell and needing help with 'hardening up'.

Where did that get me, at the bottom of a pit, stuck the mire. Not a nice place to be. So what was I thinking;

·         The longer you stay in the mire the deeper, and faster, you sink.

·         Trying to stop the negative thoughts is overwhelmingly difficult, impossible in fact.

·         My brain told me to do the opposite of what I should do to stay well, 'it' became selfish, therefore so did I.

·         A simple automatic process of breathing became the most difficult thing in the world to do and consumed everything.

·         I could function but did not know what I was actually doing, I was an automaton.

·         Every single negative thing that I had done in my life was as real as though it had happened just yesterday.

·         I kept telling myself that this sort of thing only happens to other people and I just needed to work through it. Keep going, it will get better, you got this. 

·         I was stuck and didn't know what to do and felt that life was going to be like this forever. Why couldn’t I just be normal again?

Of course none of this was 'real', it was all inside my head. But you could never have told me that at the time because rational thought had long disappeared. 

If you had told me at the time that I could recover I would have dismissed you immediately. I can’t, you don’t understand.

I, like many others who end up in this situation, are much stronger than we think that we are. We can get through this, we can recover, we are stronger than we ever could imagine. And it is all up to you.

Heaven forbid you should ever find yourself sinking into the abyss, go and get some help or at least tell someone. You can, and will get through this. Just not by yourself. And asking for help makes you stronger and your recovery faster than simply going it alone.

Let’s not talk more about suicide, let’s talk more about what takes us there and how to avoid it!

Play Nicely!

It's time for a post that I need to pay more attention to myself, playing nicely with customer service agents. 

I am continually surprised at the way in which some people treat those who work in the customer service industry - banks, shops, hotels, restaurants, call centres, and the like.  Treating people with disdain, disrespect and rudeness is not a sign of their behaviour, it is more a sign of who you are.

We sometimes get annoyed, frustrated and disappointed when things don't go as well as our expectations demand that they should. Because of this we get angry and demand better, often we react in the heat of the situation and say or do something that we might later regret. 

In these situations, it is important to determine if the poor service you are receiving is a result of the person who is helping you or is something out of their control. If the service is something that is out of the agent’s control then the agent has limited ability to assist you in meeting your expectations.

If the poor service is within the agent's control, treating them with disdain or becoming angry at the time will only make the situation worse. If you change your attitude in these situations there is a good chance that you can positively change the outcome.

Additionally, the nicer you are the more likely the agent will regret the way in which they dealt with you. 

Don't treat people how you would like to be treated, treat them with respect and see what happens. You may be pleasantly surprised at the outcome.

Workplace Bullying - How To Confront It.

Following on from my recent post on concept creep, it's time to focus on the elephant in the room at work, bullying. What is it, is it actually a thing, and what can you do about it if it is real?

We have come a long way since the 1970’s and 80’s when it was common for our boss to tell us that we were “useless”, “needed to lift our game”, to “get on board or leave”, or worse still that if we didn't perform to his or her expectations we would be fired.

Was that generational thing? Possibly so. In those times there were around four recognised leadership styles, one of which was autocratic. Autocratic was identified as being the wrong leadership style if you wanted to get people to follow you however there was never any strong active move to eliminate that kind of bullying behaviour.

I was told recently that today there is over 1200 leadership styles. While autocratic is still in there somewhere, it is now openly suggested that this style is inappropriate, demeaning, dangerous, and that you need to change if you use that style. Rightfully so. 

Workplace bullying comes in many forms, the most common being a supervisor 'motivating' a direct report to perform to a higher standard. Overbearing direction, close monitoring, in-depth scrutiny, and often blatantly rude interactions.

There is a right way and a wrong way to correct poor performance, bullying isn't on the list the last time that I looked. So what should you do if you believe you are being bullied? I work on the rule that everyone should be given at least one chance, possibly two. Our behaviour for the most part is ingrained therefore difficult to change. Hence, two chances I think is fair.

If your supervisor does or says something to you that you believe is bullying, and for each of us bullying is different, then do not confront them at the time it occurred. Wait until the next day. This gives you time to reflect on what took place and to put some context and structure around it. 

The following day, speak with that supervisor. Go over what they did or said and tell the supervisor that you were unhappy with being treated the way you were. What you do next depends on their response.

If they agree what they said or did was wrong, ask the supervisor what you should do the next time this occurs - "Next time this happens would you like me to bring it to your attention immediately or should I wait for the next day like I have done so this time". This serves as a warning, a shot across their bow. 

If the supervisor disagrees with your comments, put them on notice that if it happens a second time then you will take it to the next level. Next, if (when) the behaviour happens again, speak with a colleague to gain a better understanding. Is this unacceptable behaviour limited to you, is it a pattern, or is it wider than just you?

If a pattern is emerging, either towards you or towards many, then it must be taken to a higher level - either to the union or to that supervisor’s supervisor. If you go straight away to this level, it is harder to prove that it is a pattern. A single event doesn't indicate a pattern and is easy to defend. 

Remember, when confronting bullying behaviour it is important to do so respectfully. After all, you don't want to be labelled a bully!

Personal Resilience - Or Is It Personal?

As those who follow me will know, I consult and coach on communications and on personal resilience. The communication part is where I show a variety of ways of communicating with others in a variety of difficult and challenging situations. Deescalating the angry, engaging with the sad, halting the swearers, etc.

 The personal resilience aspect is about keeping yourself well so that you can do your job well. If you have a difficult time at work, and for a lot of us it is in challenging communications, then you will be impacted by that negative encounter therefore it is very important to look after yourself. To look after your well-being, to look after your brain. 

Having been involved in this work for nearly 10 years, anecdotal evidence suggests that the main cause of a person's mental decline is their work. A bold statement but one that I stand by until I am proved wrong. 

Of the 16 hours that we spend awake, 11 of those involve work - preparing to go to work, travelling to work, at work, and travelling back home after work. Of the 5 waking hours remaining, perhaps 2 or 3 of those hours will be spent with family and friends, or doing what we like to do to relax. That's a lot of time working or thinking about work. And, I haven't factored in the time spent clearing emails just before bedtime. 

 For five days a week the majority of our time is spent around our work. And this impacts negatively on our 'brain' health. Work scratches away at our armour, it weakens it. Then something happens in our personal life which pierces the weakened armour and we may quickly become unwell. The sad thing about this is that I still hear some employers saying that the decline has nothing to do with work as it was a personal issue in the employee’s private life. Really?

For me, personal resilience is global, it’s holistic. And work plays a significant part in your well-being or decline thereof. I once heard a senior executive say that there is no health and safety issue in a call centre because there is nothing to fall off or trip over. Everyone laughed except me. What about the mental health and safety issues? What is worse, actually tripping over a power cable left on the floor or the worry that you will trip over it? The latter of course. 

There is no doubt that you can remain resilient, or buoyant as I prefer to say, if you look after yourself adequately. However, employers and managers also play an important part. They set the example for their team and are in a position to help their staff to cope with their work by managing the workloads, giving time out, rewarding for good work, and the many other things t support personal resilience. 

That's why personal resilience isn't personal, perhaps I should now use the term resiliency.

Getting Over Sunday Blues To Eliminate Mondayitis.

For those who sit at home on a Sunday night, and it often occurs between 8 and 8:30pm, realising that the weekend has disappeared and that it is work tomorrow, here are a couple of things you might want to try to stop this negative thought.

Although it's too late for this Sunday, start writing down one good thing that happens at work each day. Then, on a Sunday night just before your blues set in, read what you have written in your 'positives' journal. You will recall the positives thus mitigating the negatives.

If that doesn't work for you, try setting yourself goals for each day of the coming week. What is it that you want to achieve on each day and how are you going to achieve it? Or perhaps you could look forward to something positive occurring each day. The problem with this last strategy is that if your positive event doesn’t eventuate you may be disappointed.

It is all about focusing on the positive to change the negative. Part of negative thoughts, just like worry, is a habit. Half of it is anyway. By focussing only on the good things you can change your thoughts thus your emotions. 

Eliminate Mandayitis by changing the Sunday blues.