Imagine It and It Will Be So - Or Will It?

Over previous years, visualisation has been touted as the way to overcome many of life’s hurdles. Think of being happy and you will be, want a million dollars then imagine that you have won the lottery!

For sports competition, or when about to present to an audience, or anything else where an 'action' by you is involved, visualisation has been proven to be effective. Visualisation provides focus as you go through the motions (in your mind) of what you are about to do. A dress rehearsal if you like.

Where visualisation has proved to be ineffective, is where you have no ability to control the outcome - winning the lottery, selling a house, becoming a millionaire, etc. Sorry, those things come down to luck or good marketing.

I read recently where visualisation, when used to imagine a new 'you' is at best ineffective and at worst, harmful. There is no doubt that imagining yourself with a slender body, dating a famous person or living a luxurious lifestyle will indeed make you feel good. That in itself is okay, however, know that you will feel worse when you fall at the first hurdle of achieving that dream.

Research has found that ‘thinking yourself happy’ may also be detrimental to you because you tend to focus on what it is that you are trying to change about yourself. You tend to obsess on the very thing that makes you unhappy. So too yelling into a pillow to reduce anger may make you angrier because you are thinking about the very thing that you are angry about and brainstorming could actually produce less ideas because you are constrained by the ideas that you are hearing around you.

As psychology evolves, we are learning more and more about these long-held beliefs and changing things for the better. Achieving goals, no matter what they are, is about having control and taking action. The ‘universe’ won’t provide for you unless you take some form of action yourself. That is why visualisation works for athletes, actors, and keynote speakers – they take action after the visualisation to achieve what they want.

In sum, by all means visualise what you want but then you must take practical steps to achieve them.

The Long Lonely Walk, Are You Ready For It?

As a crisis negotiator, there is possibly no worse feeling than walking towards a person who is standing on a high structure contemplating suicide. As you walk towards the person, your mind begins to race - "What shall I say?", "How will I start the conversation?", "What if I say the wrong thing?", "What if they jump?"

My stomach would tighten, I would start to feel slightly ill, my palms would sweat, sometimes my knees would weaken and time always seemed to slow down. It was a terrible experience and certainly wasn't a solid platform upon which to undertake a negotiation from.

I still get that same feeling now before presenting in front of people, not to the same extent of course, nevertheless the nerves are engaged and the senses are heightened. And there is always that nervous feeling in the stomach to deal with. To an extent, we all have that same feeling before undertaking something that we are uncomfortable undertaking - public speaking, a job interview, or presenting to colleagues.

I learned a quick way to control my nerves which might be helpful for you. Breath in, count, and exhale.

When we get nervous, our fight or flight response kicks in which immediately activates a number of reactions - our breathing becomes short and shallow, our heart rate rises, our mind goes to the right side of our brain where creativity sits, adrenalin and cortisol is pumped into our blood. And there is much more going on so it is no wonder that we have trouble focussing.

Because the fight or flight response is both a physical and psychological reaction, it makes sense that you need to engage the same responses to control it. Here are the three steps that worked for me and for others I have shown it to;

1.      Take a very long, deep, slow, (quiet), breath. Breathe deeply into your stomach so that you completely fill your lungs with much needed oxygen. We only use a third of your lung’s capacity in the fight or flight response so it is important to fill your lungs completely.

2.     Hold your breath for at least 3 seconds, 4 is better. Holding our breath slows our heart rate and reduces slightly our blood pressure as a consequence.

3.     As you hold your breath, count to three in your head. This is the part that really works. Counting in your head introduces the psychological element, it directs your brain back to the left side where logic is waiting.

Slowly release your breathe. As you do so you will feel more relaxed as oxygen goes into your blood and up into your brain allowing it to work more efficiently. Plus, you have slowed things down to better control the situation.

Some say that you should count to 10, others that you should take a deep breath. Both are right but only if you combine the two strategies. The 4-4-4 technique (breath in for 4 seconds, hold your breath for 4 seconds, and breath out for 4 seconds) works well provided you remember to count to 4 inside your head while holding your breath.

Next time you get nervous, try it and see for yourself. 

Are They Lying, Debunking Body Language.

Having studied and coached on body language techniques for some time now, I am often asked if you can tell if someone is lying by reading their body language. The answer is 'Yes' and 'No'.

Language (our verbal actions), originates from the left side of the brain. Body language (our visual actions) comes from the right side of the brain. Add to this that the left side of the brain controls the right side of the body and vice versa, sometimes what we say is not reflected in our body language when we lie.

Hence, the saying "You are a down right liar" comes for the fact that sometimes when we lie our eyes dart down to the right as our thoughts go to the right side of our brain, our creative side, to make up a story. However, this also happens when we recall an emotional event.

Research suggests that as much of 90% of lies we tell produce tell-tale verbal and visual clues. We can learn to pick up on those little signs, more so if we know the person well. Generally, women read body language better than men. Women also use both sides of their brain when communicating whereas men mainly use their left brain - the logic part.

The secret of reading body language is to first know the other person’s base-line behaviour - how they would usually react in the same situation - and compare that to their current behaviour. 

There is no single gesture to indicate if a person is lying. Here are some well-known common indicators with a cautionary note on each;

·        Eye contact is reduced - also happens when we are distracted or feeling low.

·        Hand-to-face gestures - this is also displayed when we are nervous.

·        Biting of lips - again this can also occur when we are anxious or sad.

·        Excessive lip licking – they may also have dry lips.

·        Rubbing of nose - known as the 'Pinocchio effect', this can also mean an itchy nose or the person has a cold.

So how do you tell by body language if someone is lying. With great caution, you could look for these visual clues;

·        Excessive hand gestures such as hand-wringing.

·        Fiddling with an object to distract themselves as they lie.

·        Shuffling of the feet when standing or ankles crossed tightly when seated.

Of course the main way to tell if someone is lying is by what they say, we will look more closely at this tomorrow.

Old Wives Tales, Are They True?

"Mum always knows best", "Listen to what your Grandma says", and "These sayings all have a meaning". These are statement we heard when we were growing up. Let's take a look at some of them and see if there is any substance to their foundation;

Stop worrying or you will get ulcers - when you worry, chemicals are released into your stomach to burn up the food for energy to fight or flee. However, there is often no single cause of ulcers and, while worry certainly isn't the main contributor, it won't help.

It is always darkest before the dawn - often we are at our darkest point where nothing seems to be going right and then one thing happens to make us change our thoughts, the epiphany moment.

There's only one way to go when you reach the bottom - perhaps not the case, you could stay at the bottom. But you certainly can't go any lower so you might as well start looking for positives and moving forward.

Stop frowning or your face will stay like that if the wind changes - smiling has proven benefits for your wellbeing so tun that frown upside down.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away - A 2013 study found that if all people aged over 50 in the UK ate just one apple per day, they would actually prevent or delay 8500 heart attacks and strokes every year.

Weird things happen on a full moon - ask any emergency responder, they will tell you it is true. Unfortunately research doesn't support this assertion however one study in found that we find it more difficult to sleep around the time of a full moon. (So where did the word lunatic come from?) 

Count sheep if you can't get to sleep - this won't work, however visualisation or mental imagery can distract you from thinking stressful or anxious thoughts about not being able to get to sleep.

If you are sick, eat chicken soup - Scientists have discovered that chicken soup can actually reduce inflammation by slowing down the white blood cell activity responsible for causing the inflammation when we have a cold or flu.

Feed a cold, starve a fever - You need to keep your strength up when you are unwell so keep eating regardless of whether it is a cold or flu.

Eat fish if you want to be brainy - A recent Harvard study found that the more fish that mothers ate during their second trimester of pregnancy, the better their babies did on tests when they were six months old. Watch out for fish containing heavy mercury content.

The 'hair of the dog' for hangovers - research has shown that consuming small doses of alcohol can actually relieve alcohol withdrawal symptoms. Rather than that, have a large glass of water before bedtime to re-hydrate.

Don't eat cheese before bed - the bacterial and fungal elements of cheese contain psychoactive ingredients, which have the potential to affect your dreams. A piece of protein at bedtime stops up to 90% of people from waking at 3am. Not all cheese-induced dreams will be scary, some are just weird so enjoy them.

So, maybe our mums and grandmothers didn't know best after all, but they were on the right track nonetheless.

What Do Dreams Actually Mean?

Have you ever had a bad dream about something or about someone and been angry about it when you woke in the morning? Or maybe you had a bad dream and tried to figure out what it meant - was it an omen? Maybe you keep having a recurring dream.

Here's what science says about dreams;

• You are more likely to recollect your dreams if you wake up immediately after the REM cycle. You go through three to five REM cycles per night, each lasting around 100 minutes, the last stage being Rapid Eye Movement is when you dream.
• Dreams help us to process our emotions from the previous day’s events, particularly the negative emotions, which is important as it decreases our anxiety and worry. We might still wake up worried about the dream but we won't be as worried about the actual event, if that makes sense. 
• Reasons for common dreams relate to our anxieties, insecurities, too much on our plate, or some other conscious or subconscious thought.
• Men dream more about natural disasters and war while women have dreams around interpersonal conflicts.
• Recurring dreams relate to something that has not been corrected or is troubling you such as a fear you might have – conscious or otherwise.
• Bad dreams aren’t just about fear. Sadness, guilt, confusion, and disgust are some of the other emotions involved in bad dreams.  
• Night terrors occur in the first hour of sleep, in the non-REM phase.  

While further research is confirming the above facts, here are some things that we actually know for certain;

·        If you get too hot while asleep you will have bad dreams – take a blanket off.

·        You ‘watch’ your dreams in a similar way that you watch things when you are awake.

·        The area of the brain that is responsible for logic and linear thinking becomes dormant and the area that controls our emotion becomes active when we dream – therefore we are more creative.

·        Diet, medication, substance use and environmental factors all play a role in dreaming and the type of dream we have.

Research is continuing into dreams and, with the advent of new technology, we are learning more and more about why we dream and what our dreams might mean. Know that most of our dreams are just thoughts around our emotions.

The worse thing that you can do for your wellbeing is to believe that your dream is reality, it isn’t.

Sweet dreams!