The Long Lonely Walk, Are You Ready For It?

As a crisis negotiator, there is possibly no worse feeling than walking towards a person who is standing on a high structure contemplating suicide. As you walk towards the person, your mind begins to race - "What shall I say?", "How will I start the conversation?", "What if I say the wrong thing?", "What if they jump?"

My stomach would tighten, I would start to feel slightly ill, my palms would sweat, sometimes my knees would weaken and time always seemed to slow down. It was a terrible experience and certainly wasn't a solid platform upon which to undertake a negotiation from.

I still get that same feeling now before presenting in front of people, not to the same extent of course, nevertheless the nerves are engaged and the senses are heightened. And there is always that nervous feeling in the stomach to deal with. To an extent, we all have that same feeling before undertaking something that we are uncomfortable undertaking - public speaking, a job interview, or presenting to colleagues.

I learned a quick way to control my nerves which might be helpful for you. Breath in, count, and exhale.

When we get nervous, our fight or flight response kicks in which immediately activates a number of reactions - our breathing becomes short and shallow, our heart rate rises, our mind goes to the right side of our brain where creativity sits, adrenalin and cortisol is pumped into our blood. And there is much more going on so it is no wonder that we have trouble focussing.

Because the fight or flight response is both a physical and psychological reaction, it makes sense that you need to engage the same responses to control it. Here are the three steps that worked for me and for others I have shown it to;

1.      Take a very long, deep, slow, (quiet), breath. Breathe deeply into your stomach so that you completely fill your lungs with much needed oxygen. We only use a third of your lung’s capacity in the fight or flight response so it is important to fill your lungs completely.

2.     Hold your breath for at least 3 seconds, 4 is better. Holding our breath slows our heart rate and reduces slightly our blood pressure as a consequence.

3.     As you hold your breath, count to three in your head. This is the part that really works. Counting in your head introduces the psychological element, it directs your brain back to the left side where logic is waiting.

Slowly release your breathe. As you do so you will feel more relaxed as oxygen goes into your blood and up into your brain allowing it to work more efficiently. Plus, you have slowed things down to better control the situation.

Some say that you should count to 10, others that you should take a deep breath. Both are right but only if you combine the two strategies. The 4-4-4 technique (breath in for 4 seconds, hold your breath for 4 seconds, and breath out for 4 seconds) works well provided you remember to count to 4 inside your head while holding your breath.

Next time you get nervous, try it and see for yourself. 

Are They Lying, Debunking Body Language.

Having studied and coached on body language techniques for some time now, I am often asked if you can tell if someone is lying by reading their body language. The answer is 'Yes' and 'No'.

Language (our verbal actions), originates from the left side of the brain. Body language (our visual actions) comes from the right side of the brain. Add to this that the left side of the brain controls the right side of the body and vice versa, sometimes what we say is not reflected in our body language when we lie.

Hence, the saying "You are a down right liar" comes for the fact that sometimes when we lie our eyes dart down to the right as our thoughts go to the right side of our brain, our creative side, to make up a story. However, this also happens when we recall an emotional event.

Research suggests that as much of 90% of lies we tell produce tell-tale verbal and visual clues. We can learn to pick up on those little signs, more so if we know the person well. Generally, women read body language better than men. Women also use both sides of their brain when communicating whereas men mainly use their left brain - the logic part.

The secret of reading body language is to first know the other person’s base-line behaviour - how they would usually react in the same situation - and compare that to their current behaviour. 

There is no single gesture to indicate if a person is lying. Here are some well-known common indicators with a cautionary note on each;

·        Eye contact is reduced - also happens when we are distracted or feeling low.

·        Hand-to-face gestures - this is also displayed when we are nervous.

·        Biting of lips - again this can also occur when we are anxious or sad.

·        Excessive lip licking – they may also have dry lips.

·        Rubbing of nose - known as the 'Pinocchio effect', this can also mean an itchy nose or the person has a cold.

So how do you tell by body language if someone is lying. With great caution, you could look for these visual clues;

·        Excessive hand gestures such as hand-wringing.

·        Fiddling with an object to distract themselves as they lie.

·        Shuffling of the feet when standing or ankles crossed tightly when seated.

Of course the main way to tell if someone is lying is by what they say, we will look more closely at this tomorrow.

Old Wives Tales, Are They True?

"Mum always knows best", "Listen to what your Grandma says", and "These sayings all have a meaning". These are statement we heard when we were growing up. Let's take a look at some of them and see if there is any substance to their foundation;

Stop worrying or you will get ulcers - when you worry, chemicals are released into your stomach to burn up the food for energy to fight or flee. However, there is often no single cause of ulcers and, while worry certainly isn't the main contributor, it won't help.

It is always darkest before the dawn - often we are at our darkest point where nothing seems to be going right and then one thing happens to make us change our thoughts, the epiphany moment.

There's only one way to go when you reach the bottom - perhaps not the case, you could stay at the bottom. But you certainly can't go any lower so you might as well start looking for positives and moving forward.

Stop frowning or your face will stay like that if the wind changes - smiling has proven benefits for your wellbeing so tun that frown upside down.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away - A 2013 study found that if all people aged over 50 in the UK ate just one apple per day, they would actually prevent or delay 8500 heart attacks and strokes every year.

Weird things happen on a full moon - ask any emergency responder, they will tell you it is true. Unfortunately research doesn't support this assertion however one study in found that we find it more difficult to sleep around the time of a full moon. (So where did the word lunatic come from?) 

Count sheep if you can't get to sleep - this won't work, however visualisation or mental imagery can distract you from thinking stressful or anxious thoughts about not being able to get to sleep.

If you are sick, eat chicken soup - Scientists have discovered that chicken soup can actually reduce inflammation by slowing down the white blood cell activity responsible for causing the inflammation when we have a cold or flu.

Feed a cold, starve a fever - You need to keep your strength up when you are unwell so keep eating regardless of whether it is a cold or flu.

Eat fish if you want to be brainy - A recent Harvard study found that the more fish that mothers ate during their second trimester of pregnancy, the better their babies did on tests when they were six months old. Watch out for fish containing heavy mercury content.

The 'hair of the dog' for hangovers - research has shown that consuming small doses of alcohol can actually relieve alcohol withdrawal symptoms. Rather than that, have a large glass of water before bedtime to re-hydrate.

Don't eat cheese before bed - the bacterial and fungal elements of cheese contain psychoactive ingredients, which have the potential to affect your dreams. A piece of protein at bedtime stops up to 90% of people from waking at 3am. Not all cheese-induced dreams will be scary, some are just weird so enjoy them.

So, maybe our mums and grandmothers didn't know best after all, but they were on the right track nonetheless.

What Do Dreams Actually Mean?

Have you ever had a bad dream about something or about someone and been angry about it when you woke in the morning? Or maybe you had a bad dream and tried to figure out what it meant - was it an omen? Maybe you keep having a recurring dream.

Here's what science says about dreams;

• You are more likely to recollect your dreams if you wake up immediately after the REM cycle. You go through three to five REM cycles per night, each lasting around 100 minutes, the last stage being Rapid Eye Movement is when you dream.
• Dreams help us to process our emotions from the previous day’s events, particularly the negative emotions, which is important as it decreases our anxiety and worry. We might still wake up worried about the dream but we won't be as worried about the actual event, if that makes sense. 
• Reasons for common dreams relate to our anxieties, insecurities, too much on our plate, or some other conscious or subconscious thought.
• Men dream more about natural disasters and war while women have dreams around interpersonal conflicts.
• Recurring dreams relate to something that has not been corrected or is troubling you such as a fear you might have – conscious or otherwise.
• Bad dreams aren’t just about fear. Sadness, guilt, confusion, and disgust are some of the other emotions involved in bad dreams.  
• Night terrors occur in the first hour of sleep, in the non-REM phase.  

While further research is confirming the above facts, here are some things that we actually know for certain;

·        If you get too hot while asleep you will have bad dreams – take a blanket off.

·        You ‘watch’ your dreams in a similar way that you watch things when you are awake.

·        The area of the brain that is responsible for logic and linear thinking becomes dormant and the area that controls our emotion becomes active when we dream – therefore we are more creative.

·        Diet, medication, substance use and environmental factors all play a role in dreaming and the type of dream we have.

Research is continuing into dreams and, with the advent of new technology, we are learning more and more about why we dream and what our dreams might mean. Know that most of our dreams are just thoughts around our emotions.

The worse thing that you can do for your wellbeing is to believe that your dream is reality, it isn’t.

Sweet dreams!

How To Stop Thinking Negatively.

Often when something bad happens to us we keep thinking about it, particularly at night while trying to get to sleep. Or worse still, in the early hours of the morning. And if we do this the negative thoughts seem to increase the more we think about the situation.

For a lot of us, our brain is wired negatively to protect us from harm. When we are afraid, confused, angered, feel aggrieved, or any of the other myriad of negative responses that happen to us, our brain reaches into the right side where our creative (defensive) part sits waiting to solve the situation. The same occurs when we worry about something.

The longer we think about an issue that we have, the more negative the emotion seems to get. What your brain is doing is trying to find a solution for you and if one isn't found quickly the more negative your thoughts become. In fact, it will exaggerate the issue and may even give you some more negative things to think about.

You actually need this response, this reaction is also where your great ideas come from, this is how you develop, this is how you stay alive in times of danger. Yet for a few of us, we seem to have trouble viewing the reality of the situation. Your view of a situation determines your thoughts about it, it’s that simple yet often hard to achieve.

If you are someone who finds yourself dwelling on the negative, here is a few things that you can do to minimise this thought process;

·       Make a joke about it – when we laugh about something it reframes the issue and your brain won’t view it as something negative.

·       Find a positive reason for the situation occurring – there is often a positive aspect of a negative situation, if there isn’t you can make one up and focus on that.

·       Stop negative thinking – negative thinking is both hereditary and a pattern of behaviour, a habit. You can’t change your genes but you can change a habit. One way to do this is to wear a rubber band around your wrist and flick it every time you find yourself thinking negatively. The sting stops your thoughts. 60 to 80 days to change a habit, not 21 days so keep going with it.

·       Distract your brain – find positive things to keep your brain occupied with, bury the negative thoughts with positive ones.

·       Smile – this changes your mood and relieves stress.

·       Change your words – replace negative words with positive words, it isn’t a problem it is a challenge.

·       Stop exaggerating your thoughts – write the situation down. When we write something down we use our logic brain which is on the opposite side of negativity. Then list the positives of what occurred to reinforce them.

Possibly the simplest thing to do is to keep reminding yourself that your negative thought is just that, a thought. A thought has no actual power over you unless you allow it to. Yet for some of us, our thoughts become our reality.

Here’s how it works – recall the last time that were in a boring meeting listening to something you have no interest in and you thought ‘Get me out of here’. And then you thought, ‘When this meeting does finish I get to have lunch, take a break, go for a walk’, you think about something positive and you immediately perk up and your mind is back in the room. What changed – your thoughts, nothing else. You are still in the meeting listening to the same boring stuff.

You control your thoughts, no one else does or can. You decide if you want to dwell on the negative of if you want to focus on the positive. Remember, if you keep looking back while moving forward you will surely hit something.