What I learned From My Father

The last in this series of 'What I Learned', here is what I learned from my father. He was a man of few words and raised us how he thought would give us the greatest opportunity in life;

·       "Finish your homework before going out to play" - It is important to get your priorities right. Do the things that you have to do before relaxing, that way you are prepared for the next day and you will be more relaxed.

·       “I told you to help your mother” – Helping others should always be a high priority. Altruism is a reward in itself.

·       “Stop mucking about and get it done” – Procrastination plays on your mind, if you start something make sure that you finish it, and importantly don’t waste your energy on worry or other frivolous things.

·       “Be home by dark” – Timeframes help us set boundaries but timeframes should also be flexible so that you don’t place yourself under pressure.

·       “I told you not to do that and you ignored me” – Often we ignore advice from others because we think that we know best. If you did what you did for the right reasons, then no one has the right to judge you for doing it your own way.

·       “I have to punish you for this” – Every action in life has a consequence, if you get it wrong then there will always be repercussions.  

·       “This is going to hurt me more than it is you” – We sometimes have to hurt the ones that we love for their benefit. If you do have to hurt someone, explaining why will help them to understand and will lessen your pain. Communication is one of life’s most important needs.

·        “Why do you keep doing dumb things?” – Mistakes are made so that we can learn. Sometimes we keep making the same mistakes, that’s because we haven’t learned the lesson, yet.

·       “If you don’t know what you want to do in life, always get a trade first” – When making a plan always have a fall-back strategy, an exit strategy, a way to modify your original plan. Life is built on a solid foundation.  

·       “As long as you did your best I will always be proud of you” – No one can ask anything more of you than giving it your best, ensure that you always do so and you will be rewarded accordingly.

One thing my father never told me was that he loved me. I know that he did, but because he was never told that himself when he was a child then he didn’t know that it had to be said.

Tell your children that you love them, sometimes things do need to be said.

What I Learned From My Mother

In their own way, our mothers had a huge impact on our future. They probably just didn't realise it at the time how what they said would be translated into our adulthood.

 Here is what my mother used to say to me and my interpretation of what she was teaching me;

·       “Stop being lazy and get out of bed” – Mornings are when we are at our most creative, don’t waste it lying in bed.

·       “Make your damn bed” – starting each day by making your bed puts your head in order, allows you to start the day with a routine, allows you to wake properly, and you have time to think about your day ahead.

·       “Eat all of your breakfast” – breakfast is when you need to take on board energy (carbohydrates) to get you through the period of the day when sugar is at its lowest, to stop those mid-afternoon chocolate cravings.

·       “Brush your teeth” – personal hygiene not only makes you look (and smell) better, it makes you feel good about yourself.

·       “Have you got a clean handkerchief?” – you never know when others may need a shoulder to cry on and you can sit, listen, and offer a handkerchief as a sign of caring.

·       “Don’t waste your pocket money on junk” – spend your money wisely.

·       “Listen to me” – listening is what we should all strive to do before opening our mouth.

·       “Stand still for 5 minutes” – in a busy day stop and smell the roses, listen to the birds, and centre yourself.

·       “Have you done your homework yet?” – To have a restful sleep, write a list of the things you have to do the next day so that you can relax knowing that you have your list ready for tomorrow.

·       “Get to sleep now, or else” – sleep is probably the most important thing that you can do for your wellbeing.

My mother also told me that I had to wear clean underwear in case I was in an accident. I used to think that if I was in an accident I am sure my underwear would be the first thing soiled. What she actually meant was to take pride in you who you are, what you do, and what you stand for.

Listen to your mothers, they are much wiser than you may think.

What I Learned When Policing

After reflecting on my years as a Police Officer, here are ten things that I learned;

1.      Life can change in an instant - for good and for bad.

2.     Decisions you make as a cop can change lives - for better and for worse.

3.     Bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people - ultimately bad people have more bad things happen to them than good things because of the way they behave.

4.     It is all about the numbers - not how many arrests you make or how many people driving drunk that you catch. It's about how many lives you save or change for the better.

5.     Cops have to live for the rest of their lives with decisions that they made in a split second.

6.     Cops make mistakes and get it wrong - good cops admit it and work to make it right.

7.     Those who work for police do so because they genuinely want to help others, not because they want a better life for themselves.

8.     Rarely do you see good things when policing and because of that you become cynical which makes you seem hard and uncaring. 

9.     Police officers have emotions – they feel, they fear, and they cry. They just don’t show it on the outside.

10.  Policing damages good people - when they leave the service, every police officer has issues that they must rationalise before moving forward. Some may never rationalise them.

Police officers are only human with human frailties. None set out to offend or to do harm, the opposite is always the case. And they do what they do for you.

Stubborn, Egotistical, and Arrogant.

These three things are clearly linked, stubbornness, egotism and arrogance. And we need them all if we want to succeed in life. It's just how to control them that is important.

In business it is important to be stubborn, to never give up, to persevere, to strive for success. If you want to be the best, you need to have a strong ego. Sometimes a little arrogance produces a lot of confidence.

There is however a fine line between having a little of each of these three important factors to succeed and from being perceived as a total jerk. So how do you know control stubbornness, egotism and arrogance?

In my role as a consultant and coach, the boundary is set for me from honest feedback. In my early years I would ignore feedback on ways to improve my workshops.

"I'll dismiss that comment, what would they know" I would tell myself. And the same negative comment would be made after each session. One day the lights went on and I changed my program. And it worked.

It is said that you should try to avoid the negatives in life, I don't. I now listen to them and use them to my advantage. I change things by embracing the negatives and turning them into positives. The result, a 95% engagement rate.

Humility, a word not often used these days but one that I try as hard as possible to adhere to. By all means remain stubborn, egotistical and arrogant, at least moderate them with a little humility. After all, a little humility goes a long way. 

Think Positive, In Grief, Really?

Having had a less than average week with sorrow, I could have chosen to focus on the negatives but instead chose to think differently. I chose to think positively as ‘they’ say that you should. And it helped me.

‘Chose to’ sounds as though it was easy, it wasn’t. Choosing to feel a particular way in emotional situations isn’t that simple. It takes hard work and the closer the loved one the harder it is.

Those who know my business may be surprised that I would ever consider thinking about the negative. Well, thinking negatively is what our brains are wired to do. It is there to protect us, to see danger, to look negatively so that we are prepared for whatever appears. And in sorrow we really do struggle with positive thoughts.

Grief can be overwhelming and is different for each of us. Some recover quickly while others take some time.

Some say you should remember the good times, remember how they were, remember how you enjoyed their company. And for most of us that works fine but not for me. When I did this I became even sadder knowing I can’t have those wonderful moments again.

What I did instead was focus on the negatives and turned them into positives. "Isn't it lucky their pain and suffering is now over", "It was their time to go", "They had a great/long life", “They wouldn’t want us to be sad”. These are phrases that I focused on.

And I also focused on those who were around me. I watched, listened, laughed and loved those who were close to me – my family and friends. These two things, family and friends who are around you, are what matter most in our lives.

Does that make me hard; I don’t think so. Does that make me look hard; probably. Yet each of us choose how to react, as difficult as it was (and is) I use(d) the losses to move forward.

Don’t get me wrong, I was sad and I cried. I tried to fight back the tears and to be strong but I couldn't and I felt better as a result of expressing myself.

By all means do grieve, do feel sorrow, do cry a lot, and do share your stories. Turn negatives into positives, focus hard on the good things, do whatever helps make you feel better.  

Importantly, embrace the new change in your life.