Become an Optimist

So you want to be happy? To do so you are going to have to fight evolution, your brain, and everything you have ever learned if life. Well, it's not quite that bad but you do have to work at this stuff.

Because our brain is wired negatively - to worry about everything so that you are alert to danger - you have to re-wire it with positive thoughts. And it can be done. 50% of worry is hereditary, the other 50% is from life's learnings so these can be ‘unlearned’.

Positive psychology has been around for a while now, although it has only recently sprung forward as the new way to fix broken brains. Norman Vincent Peale was a Protestant minister who wrote a book called the Power of Positive Thinking in 1952 which for me was the start of my journey to becoming an optimist.

Here are some of the things that he encourages you to employ to change your brain's negative pattern of thoughts, followed by my take on what he meant;

·        Estimate your abilities and raise it be 10% - if you raise your goals too high you will be disappointed when you don't reach your target but do aim a bit higher than what your brain tells you.

·        Make a list of positive and peaceful thoughts and pass them through your mind throughout the day - keeping 'happy' thoughts in our brain form a pattern of behaviour.

·        Audibly repeat positive words throughout the day - use positive words in your conversations rather than negative ones.

·        Adopt an "I don't believe in defeat" attitude - never give up and keep telling yourself that you can.

·        Do not build obstacles in your mind - your brain will want to place barriers to protect you, ignore your brain and go with your gut instinct instead. (Which is actually your brain by the way).

·        Stamp indelibly in your mind a mental picture of you succeeding - visualisation is a powerful tool, go through whatever you want to succeed at in your mind and you will ignite your subconscious to work for you.

·        Start each day by affirming positive, successful, peaceful and happy attitudes and your day will tend to be happy - ignore the negative thoughts that come into your brain first thing in the morning, change them to positive ones.

Norman Vincent Peale knew about positive psychology long before it had a name. He knew that you could change your brain's pattern of behaviour because that is all it is, a pattern of behaviour.

How Do I Stand?

Body language says a lot about you. Your mannerisms indicate your many things including bad habits and undesirable personality traits. So how should you stand or sit to win someone over?

When presenting to an audience keep your feet firmly planted on the ground unless you are walk around the room or across a stage. Keep your movements slow and do not get into a continual pattern of walk as this is distracting.

When sitting it is important to show an open posture with your arms. Sit on the edge of the chair and lean slightly forward. Do not lean too far forward otherwise you will look threatening and don't lean back otherwise you will look defensive. 

Don't sit with your legs apart. In some cultures this is insulting and in most cultures you will look like a ‘player’. Men like to sit back in the chair and fold their arms behind their head, this is comfortable for us. Unfortunately it makes us look like an arrogant pig.

Regardless of whether you are sitting or standing, always remain square-on to your audience. Even if the person is a physical threat to you, you should remain facing them. If you turn sideways you will look defensive and if it is an angry person it will look to them like you want to fight.

Always keep your head up and still. This shows an interest and also keeps the carotid artery open so that you can get that much needed blood into your brain. Slow nods of the head are good when talking to an angry person.

Lastly, maintain about 60 to 80% eye contact in general conversations. Any less than that makes you look shifty and any more than that a bit creepy. For angry people use about 30 to 60% of eye contact. To control a conversation, look at the person when you are talking and look away when it is their turn to talk.

You're Lying!

When we tell a lie our body sometimes reacts in certain ways that does not look right and others pick up on these signs.

Most have heard of the saying "You are a downright liar". This comes from the fact that our eyes dart down to the right when we are untruthful. The reason, verbal language comes from the left side of the brain while body language comes from the right. The right side of the brain is also the creative side. So, the eyes go to the creative side as the person makes up the lie. (That's to your left in case you are wondering).

Another way to tell if someone is lying is if they touch their face, particularly around the nose. This is called the Pinocchio effect which is caused by a chemical released into the mucous membranes when we tell a lie and this chemical creates an itchy sensation around the mouth and nose.

Licking of the lips originates from the same chemical reaction because the chemical dries the lips. 

The rate at which we blink our eyes is linked to whether we are experiencing pleasant or unpleasant feelings. Generally, when we are lying we will blink at a faster rate because we are uncomfortable when telling a lie.

When we tell the truth our eyes will generally look straight ahead or they may look upwards as we access the frontal lobe where most of our brain work is conducted. 

Folding the arms over the chest when we talk indicates defensiveness, as does placing an item we are holding between the two which acts as a protection ‘barrier’.

Men Don't Cry

Men are known for hiding their emotions. A bold generalisation but one that science tells us is true. So why do we not cry when we know that not doing so is detrimental to our wellbeing?

It's in our wiring. By nature, men are suspicious, competitive, controlled and defensive. If we are seen to show emotion it means that we are no longer in control of the situation or ourselves. Add to that our social conditioning which says that men must be seen to be tough, to be brave, and to act like a man.

Unfortunately that isn't any good for our mental wellbeing. When we bury our emotions there are many adverse consequences. Here's why men need to cry more;

·        Lowers blood pressure - Research shows that men who cry during therapy sessions immediately lower their heart rate and blood pressure. 

·        Lowers stress - Similar to perspiration when we exercise, tears release some of the built-up stress chemicals from the body such as the endorphin leucine-enkaphalin and prolactin.

·        Elevates mood - In a similar way, if we have too much manganese in our bodies then our mood will be low. Overexposure of manganese causes nervousness, irritability and fatigue.

·        Crying is cathartic - Crying releases the accumulation of conflicts and resentments we felt through the day. 

·        Tears release feelings - If we bottle these up it impacts adversely on our nervous (limbic) and cardiovascular systems. 

·        Expressing emotions makes you more creative - Crying engages the creative part of your brain.

·        Makes you stronger - “There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love.” – Washington Irving

Of course you don't have to cry in public if you don't feel it is the right thing to do, you can go and hide first. Or, you could cry in public and show others that you are part of humanity.

What Can The Military Teach Us?

I have been fortunate enough to have worked alongside the finest soldiers in the world. Only in training mind you, I could never hope to even pass the first stage of their recruitment let alone the tough selection process. 

Here's what they taught me which I find valuable in business;

1. Be ready - Always be ready for anything and everything. Know your product/service well and if you are asked to do something that is outside of your scope try to accommodate the request. 
2. Be reliable - This flows from the first point, be consistent in your delivery and always say yes. Be the first person that others turn to when they need something.
3. Be relevant - There is always a solution to every problem and it is about finding the solution without going off on a tangent. 'Stay the course'.
4. Train - You can't do any of the first three points if you aren't competent at what you do. You must train yourself and your staff to strengthen weak areas so that the service you provide is exceptional.
5. Equipment - The first thing a soldier does when he finishes work is to ensure his equipment is serviceable, ready to use immediately if necessary. Ensure that yours is the same.
6. Appearance - Be professional in appearance and demeanour at all times. This includes physically and mentally. 
7. Collegiality - Look to your colleagues for help and support when you need it and be prepared to go the extra distance to help others. 
8. Truthful - A soldier will be truthful. They aren't afraid of what others might think of them because they believe in what they are doing.
9. Be humble - Humility is a powerful thing. Don't say something unless it needs to be said and then say it tactfully when you have to say it.
10. Fear - Soldiers are human and have the same emotions as you and I but they learn to manage their emotions so that they continue on when times get tough. They push through the hard times knowing that if they fight hard enough they will always win.

As Sir Winston Churchill once said - "If you are going through hell, keep going." (As someone who suffered from depression, who better to listen to than him).