Empathic Communication

I am one who espouses the benefits of empathic communication for managing difficult (angry) people. Research by Dr Carl Marci shows us that if two people are in an empathic conversation, their autonomic systems synchronise. So what is it and how does it work?

In simple terms, empathy is the ability to imagine ourselves in the same situation as another person, including feeling the experience and emotion. Put yourself in their shoes.  When a listener reflects back the other person's feelings, the other person perceives that the listener understands their situation.  

I have previously discussed the eight strategies of active listening so I won't do so again. Here's another way to become an empathic listener;

1. First you must listen - Encourage the other person to talk and show a genuine interest in what they have to say.
2. Listen for emotion - Emotion gets in the way of free-flowing communication and stalls the other person. When you hear them say something that they are emotional about, acknowledge the emotion by saying "I can see how that would make you angry/sad/confused". 
3. Paraphrase what they have told you - Put the important points of what they have said into your own words. This shows that you are listening, you are a person, and you care.
4. Thank them - When they have finished telling you their story acknowledge it in some way, either by thanking them or expressing how you might feel the same way as they do.
5. Be honest, be genuine, be open - Don't let your own pre-judging get in the way.
6. Make it about them - Ignore your own story, it is about them. Maintain a focus on their situation.

Empathic communication is not an easy technique to master, it takes time and practice. 

Three Rules In Communication

You would have read many articles on ways to communicate effectively in challenging situations. Some work, some don't. A lot depends upon the other person, what their emotional state is at the time of the communication.

I have had organisations come to me promoting ways to understand a person's behaviour so that you can engage with them more effectively. I don't doubt that learning about a person's behaviour will help you communicate with them better but what about those situations when you haven't got time to go through a list of their behaviours?

In challenging communications, most of the conversations are centred on emotions, how the person is 'feeling' when they are talking. They are not just talking, they are also telling you how they feeling. I have seen a person talk about the same topic one way when they were calm and a completely different way when they were angry. We behave differently when we are emotional and this way is often unpredictable.

In my business, I coach on dealing with the unknown, the unpredictable emotional behaviours when people become angry. No amount of behavioural analysis will ever successfully predict how a person will react in an emotional situation.

To cover these circumstances there are three basic principles to use when you are communicating with someone who is in an emotional state;

1. Listen - Never say the first word, take a long slow deep quiet breath, don't say the first thing that comes into your head (it's always wrong) and wait for the other person to stop before you say anything. Let them talk, by doing so they are expressing how they feel and are venting their frustrations. In crisis negotiation we have a mantra, (we have quite a few actually), you were given two ears and one mouth for a reason - twice as much listening as talking.
2. Be empathetic - See things from their perspective, how would you feel in their situation. Empathy is an understanding, not sympathy. Say things such as "I can see how that would make you angry", or "I would probably feel the same way in your situation", or "It sounds like you have had a tough time".
3. Be honest - Honesty is just not telling the truth, although that is very important. Honesty is also about telling the other person how you feel. While you should always try and make it about the emotional person to make them feel important, it is also about providing an honest perspective on the situation by stating your views. Just do so in a non-confrontational way.

By remembering these three simple rules you will find that you can control emotional people. Given we are all very different, know that these rules won't work for everyone.

The Positives Diary

I read somewhere that when you are struggling you should start a diary (journal) and record the bad things that happened to you each day so that you could avoid those things in the future.

The way it worked is that you write down in a journal what went wrong or upset you during the day, why it upset you, and how you can avoid it in the future. The theory was sound but the practice isn't. Some of the things that  impact on us negatively are out of our control therefore all that you can do was try your best to ignore them when they occurred. 

Then I read about keeping a positives diary. At the end of each day I was to write down one positive thing that happened to me. At the end of the week I could look back through the diary and see what positive events occurred which would stimulate my brain in a positive way.

It is a medical fact that if you think positively then you will feel better. Research has shown that by thinking positively you can add 7 years to your life whereas medical intervention can only add 3 years.

Doesn't this make more sense? If you focus on the negative things in life all of the time then our brain will continue to look for negative things. As you probably know, the brain focuses on negative things anyway in its pitiful attempt to help us. Not very helpful really.

If on the other hand if you were to write down only positive things your brain will learn to focus more on the positives, on the happier moments. Over a period of 60+ days your brain will focus more on happier events and not so much on the bad ones. 

Don't worry if you are concerned that your brain won't be there to 'help' you with the negative stuff, it will still do so. It just won't be as prominent.

Wellness or Well-Being

I have never taken the opportunity to examine the difference between wellness and well-being, until now that is. I would sometimes interchange these words without knowing which word to use in what situation. (I am a slow learner). 

Wellness - One dictionary defines wellness as is an active process of becoming aware of and making choices toward a healthy and fulfilling life. "...a state of complete physical, mental, and social well-being, and not merely the absence of disease or infirmity." 

Another defines it as the quality or state of being healthy in body and mind, especially as the result of deliberate effort. So, wellness is the total health package: mind, body, and social aspects. There is no mention of spirit in the references that I read.

Well-Being - The best definition that I could find to describe well-being was one by Martin Seligman in his book "Flourish". He states that well-being has five elements: positive emotion, engagement, meaning, positive relationships, and accomplishment. The cornerstone of his work is authentic happiness which is a term that I like.

Therefore well-being is more focussed on the 'spirit' it would seem. Well-being is the intangible stuff that is difficult to measure without conducting assessments whereas wellness is something that you can often see. These are wide generalisations, I know. But that is how I find it easy to remember each one.

Which is better for you, wellness or well-being? I think neither, they go hand-in-hand. While you can have one without the other you really do need both to lead a balanced life. If you are physically fit and are healthy it is much easier to undertake well-being activities. If you are feeling 'down' (poor well-being practices) it is more difficult to undertake a healthy life because of lethargy, lack of meaning, and negative emotions.

I embrace the holistic approach in the programmes that I run. You get a bit of everything. Why, because you need both and they should be undertaken concurrently to get the fastest result at improving your total well-being. Or is that total wellness!

In short, do everything that you can to keep yourself 'well' and don't worry about the terms.

Do Motivational Messages Work?

I read a lot. Mostly I read books on resiliency, positive psychology and communications. It's part of my work so I have to keep up with contemporary research. The bonus is that I enjoy my work so it is not a chore doing so.

I also like to read short articles and posts, particularly those posted on LinkedIn. The messages vary, are helpful, and although they are one person’s opinion, I always learn something.

Then there are the motivational messages. I am guilty of making my own messages on occasion. This morning I was thinking, do these short motivational messages and words of wisdom actually work? Are they helpful, do they motivate me, do I feel better for reading them?

I came to the conclusion that, no, they don't really motivate me or change my opinion. I don't always find them informative or very helpful either. So why do I continue to read them and post my own? Because in some small way they keep my brain focussed on positive stuff, they make me smile, they leave me in awe at the intelligence of the message and at the simplicity they bring to a complicated world, and they make me feel that I am part of 'life'. 

When I read a message that says "When in doubt, just keep going", it doesn't make me immediately want to keep going. After all, I might be heading in the wrong direction! But the message does make me stop and ponder about the person who took the time to write the message. They had a reason for doing so. And maybe they are right, I should keep going.  Also, there is the fact that by posting my own messages maybe I am helping someone, encouraging them stop and ponder.  

I am sure that there is research that supports the use of motivational messages. It would probably say that the continued reading of positive motivational messages has a cumulative affect and is good for us. It changes our thought patterns.

Bottom line for me, I just enjoy reading them and I am sure others do so. Keep posting your messages and I am one who will read them.