How To Actively Listen - 8

There are many variations of active listening available on the internet. Over the next few days I am going to take you through the eight strategies used successfully world-wide by those involved in crisis negotiations.

A summary is a long paraphrase and is used towards the end of a communication.  Once you believe the conversation is close to a conclusion, go over the facts of the conversation in your own words.  Ensure that you cover the important words so the message remains the same as told to you and do so without any of the emotions the other person would have spoken of.  

What you are doing is putting their story into your words.  This continues to assist with the rapport building process and confirms that you have the facts accurate.  Ask for clarification if you have parts incorrect.

It is often a great idea to add an emotion at the end of your summary such as “...and because of this you feel frustrated/annoyed/angered/confused.”  Again don't worry if you don't quite have the right emotion label. 

A summary is also helpful to end a call for those people who just won't go away.  The summary indicates that you are coming to the end of the communication and it is time to move on. 

So, there are the eight strategies of active listening skills.  They are used in varying forms with various names across industries such as sales, marketing, PR, and interviewing.  Try focussing on open questions and minimal encourages first until this becomes natural for you then introduce paraphrasing and reflecting.  Keep I-messages and emotion labelling for particularly difficult communications.

Tomorrow I will look at empathy and rapport, both necessary in controlling difficult conversations.

How To Actively Listen - 7

There are many variations of active listening available on the internet. Over the next few days I am going to take you through the eight strategies used successfully world-wide by those involved in crisis negotiations.

Effective Pause & Silence

An effective pause is a short piece of silence placed at the beginning and at the end of an important statement which helps to highlight what you are saying. It is like a verbal bold and underline to reinforce the delivery. As humans we love to communicate and we dislike silence, we like to hear noise all the time.  (Too often though we like to hear the sound of our own voice!)

A short pause used in this way will get the person's attention as they listen intently for a sound, your next words.  Don't leave the pause for too long otherwise it will interrupted by the person asking you a question and your important message will be lost.

Silence (not saying anything) is a longer pause and used a number of ways. The first is when someone is talking flat out and allows you to identify their problem.  When someone is talking the best thing to do is to let them continue so that they can maintain their flow of thoughts. Stopping someone in mid-flight is similar to stopping someone during a sprint race, they will have to start again slowly to gather momentum.

Another use of silence is when a person is being untruthful.  At the completion of their sentence, restrain from talking despite your inherent desire to do so, and watch how effective it serves your purpose. If the person is lying and asks if you are listening, respond with “Yes, and I want to ensure I record what you have said accurately”.  This is a way of signalling that you disbelieve their last sentence and recording it for future reference.

A further use of silence is when someone is reluctant to talk.  Generally, the less that someone is talking the more we have to talk as this will encourage dialogue.  If this doesn’t work however then resort to saying nothing and wait for a response.  They will eventually ask if you are still there and you respond with “Yes, and I want to hear what you have to say”.

Tomorrow we will look at the last of the eight strategies for active listening, the summary. 

How To Actively Listen - 6

There are many variations of active listening available on the internet. Over the next few days I am going to take you through the eight strategies used successfully world-wide by those involved in crisis negotiations.

I-Messages

An I-Message is about you, hence the name.  The main use of this strategy is to confront a behaviour that is impacting on you or that you do not like.  For example if someone is using profanity during the communication or continues to yell at you despite your best efforts to curb the behaviour.

The way it is taught to crisis negotiators is to say “I feel (then say how you are feeling about their behaviour) when you (describe the other persons action or statement) because (why does it impact on you)”. If we use this example for the people who are swearing at you, you would say “I feel frustrated when you swear at me because I am just trying to help”.

In some cultures this would work, it also works well when used in crisis communications but can sound disingenuous and perhaps a little 'weird' in everyday use so you change it to something like “I am having trouble focusing on helping you when you swear at me”. You have said the same thing just phrased it differently. Another option is to say “I can hear that this is important to you, I would like to get to hear more however the swearing is distracting me”.

The reason we use an I-message counters what I have told you previously about focusing on the other person.  The reason for the swap is if you were to start your sentence with the word 'You' it is like starting with the word 'Why', it blames the other person.  "You should stop swearing because I don't like it" will soon get you a hostile response. Always start with the word ‘I’.

Tomorrow we will look at effective pauses and the use of silence, how to stop highlight verbal communication, get people to talk who wouldn't otherwise do so and confronting dishonesty.

How To Actively Listen - 5

There are many variations of active listening available on the internet. Over the next few days I am going to take you through the eight strategies used successfully world-wide by those involved in crisis negotiations.

Paraphrasing

Sometimes called rephrasing, rewording or reframing, after a relevant period of time it is a good idea to briefly go back over what the other person has said so that you have a good understanding of what they said, their circumstances and how it has made them feel. You do this by taking what they said and placing it into your own words. You can either work backwards from their last statement or work in the same order.

Start by saying, "If I hear you correctly.....:, or "So far you've told me that.....". Ensure that you include the same key words that they used so that you don't lose their message. At the conclusion of your paraphrase it is often good practice to confirm with the person that you have the facts recorded accurately.

This technique shows the person that you are genuinely interested in what they are saying, have heard them and are attentive to their needs. This technique works well in a Call Centre environment as it shows the person that they are speaking with a real person and not a robot of the organisation.

Be careful not to downplay what the person has experienced when paraphrasing. You do this by reflecting back to them their emotions at the end of paraphrase by saying "....and because of this you feel frustrated". If the conversation is a long one, paraphrase every 5 minutes or so.

Tomorrow we will look at 'I' Messages, how to stop inappropriate behaviour.

How to Actively Listen - 4

There are many variations of active listening available on the internet. Over the next few days I am going to take you through the eight strategies used successfully world-wide by those involved in crisis negotiations.

Emotion Labelling

In difficult communications, for example when someone is yelling at you or is sad, gaining empathy then establishing a rapport is a great way to give you an understanding of what the person is feeling and enables you to move forward much sooner. (I will examine empathy and rapport later in this series). So how do we do this when their emotions are running hot?

The secret is to never let an emotion go without acknowledging it in some way. This disarms the emotion and allows the person to move forward. The way it is taught in crisis intervention is to say "You sound ...." and then describe the emotion. For example, you would say "You sound angry" to a person who is yelling or "You sound sad" to someone who is crying. While this works in crisis situations it is too extreme for everyday communications.

Phrases such as “This sounds important to you, I can hear that”, “you sound angered by this”, or “I can hear that you are frustrated” are good emotion labels for angry people. Often when someone tells us about a tragic event we immediately say “I’m sorry for your loss”. This works however when we use the word sorry it impacts on us personally, sorry is a personal word. It might be better to say “I can’t imagine what that is like” or “Would you like to take a minute” or perhaps “How can I make this easier for you?” You are still acknowledging the emotion (sadness) but keeping it at arms-length.

By following these statements with “Please take your time” will indirectly provide them with support and the person will usually take a breath. Don’t worry if you don’t get the emotion correct, the person will soon tell you. They might say "Angry, you have no idea", or "I'm not angry, I am just damn well frustrated". You would reply "Tell me more about what happened" for the angry people or "Let's get this sorted quickly for you" to the sad.

Remember that it is all about them, not you. Focus on their needs first and your reward will follow.

Tomorrow we will look at paraphrasing.