Rumination is described as repeated thoughts about something that occurred or of a problem that we are trying to solve. Typically though, rumination is also about replaying a negative event arising from feelings of guilt and regret.
The number one way of avoiding rumination, regardless of whether it is positive or negative, is to talk with someone about it. Why, because the longer we keep 'thinking' about something without some form of control the higher the chance that it will end in negative rumination as our brain goes into our memory to find the solution from past experience. As we know, around 80% of our memory is of negative things which, evolutionary, was designed to keep us safe from danger.
Doing nothing is not an option when it comes to rumination. Doing nothing will only increase rumination. Research is overwhelming in the finding that socialisation, talking with others, is critical if we want to stop rumination and to move forward.
Socialisation is hardwired into our brains. It makes no difference who we talk to. A friend, a mentor, a spiritual adviser, a family member; all are helpful.
Talking may not make the problem go away but what it will do is lessen the emotional pain as it is never a good thing to hold onto negative thoughts. Holding on to negative thoughts only exaggerates them.
What if you don’t want to, or can’t talk to anyone about what you are ruminating over? There is another option described by Sonja Lyubomirsky in her book The Myths of Happiness. It is suggested that we should go through the event in our mind as though we are seeing it through someone else’s eyes.
Sonja terms it ‘the fly on the wall’ view. According to her findings, seeing an event from a distance allows us to replay the event without rehashing the emotional connection. Replaying an event in this way has the same effect as speaking with someone.
Talking may not make the problem go away, but what it will do is lessen the emotional pain.
Let's talk!
What Does It Mean To Be Great?
What does it mean to be great?
It is said that to be great you need a far-off goal, support from others, dogged determination, and to just keep going when things get tough. We look up to those of you who have done just that, who have made it, who have had a dream and realised it. So often this person is very wealthy and/or prominent. We celebrate your success.
But what about those amongst us who are working just as hard, have modest dreams, have support from family and a few friends, are determined to reach their realistic dreams yet are easily swayed to take a different path, and want to succeed but success to them is a modest lifestyle.
For me, those people are also leaders among us. These people are doing wonderful things, working each day to ensure that they can achieve what they set out to do and making a difference in people's lives along the way.
For me, those people are the ones that we should look to in awe. They are the people just like you who go to work each day, doing the very best that you can, looking after yourself and your family.
You are the ones who work as hard as you can in support of the people that you work for. You get up each day, travel to work in congested flows, work 8 to 10 hours each day with overtime thrown in if 'they' ask you to, then travel back home in the same congested flows you travelled in earlier that day.
You are the people who keep businesses going.
You are the people who complete the often tiresome work for your employer.
You are the ones who want your company to succeed.
For me, you are the leaders that we should also look up to.
Thank you for doing what you do every day.
Managing Fears!
If you've been following me for a while, you'll know that "Run to the fire" is one of many mantras I encourage people to start using.
Why, because fear is often what holds us back from reaching our true potential.
When we hold on to the unknown, our brain will tend to make things up, and most often it will turn to the negative. It's all part of the worry spiral that we know so well, if we worry about something for too long our brain will exaggerate the negative, catastrophising is the term used to describe this process.
We might see an expression on someone’s face and we are unsure of the expression so try to work out the reason for the expression - did I say the wrong thing, were they laughing at me, did they understand what I said - and we continue to try and figure out the cause of the expression.
We all have fears, most of which are learned from events that have occurred in our lives. Therefore, it is natural to assume that all fears can be overcome. Not necessarily so, the good news though is that there are ways to reduce our fears if we can't overcome them.
Here are five ways to reduce or overcome fears;
🦁 Take a tactical breath - stop, take a long slow deep breath, hold your breath while counting inside your head, then slowly breathe out.
🦁 Face your fears - 'run to the fire', the more that you do something that you fear the easier it becomes. Immersion therapy in a controlled fashion allows us to unlearn what has become instinctive responses.
🦁 Feel the fear - don't be afraid of the feeling of fear because that is all it is, a feeling. Basic physics tells us that the harder we push on something, the likely greater the resistance. Feel fear, embrace it, and get accustomed to the feeling. (A cautionary note, if the feelings of fear continue then stop this method)
🦁 Think about fear differently - fear, and the accompanying feeling of nervousness, are designed to keep us safe by increasing our focus. Knowing that fear is merely designed to enhance our abilities, and nothing more, gives us comfort.
🦁 What were the positives - once you have faced your fears, focus on the positives and celebrate your success. This will produce positive chemicals such as dopamine and serotonin and increase your desire to face more of what you fear.
Each of us has fears, some are rational while others are not so. Nevertheless, your fear is very real to you and that must be acknowledged. Know that fear is mostly learned therefore can be unlearned over time.
Whenever our amygdala fires up it scars our hippocampus, our memory bank, so that we will always be alert to the same danger should we have to face it again. That's the reason why it can take some time to smooth out the scar, to repair it.
Run to the fire, or perhaps walk first until running becomes much easier.
Let's talk!
Managing Those Who Are Struggling.
I am so fortunate to have had burnout, I am so lucky to have gone into depression, I am so blessed to have had thoughts of killing myself. That sounds crazy, doesn't it?
When asked about what it was like going into the deep, dark, lonely, frightening depths of despair, my answer is always the same - "I hated it beyond belief and now glad that it happened to me." I no longer take life for granted, things don't just happen to other people, they can happen to any of us.
A common question I hear from parents during my presentations is "How can I tell if my son or daughter is suffering from depression?"
Psychology tells us that the person will become tired, listless, have trouble sleeping, no longer interested in what they previously enjoyed, increased use of alcohol or drugs, won't care about their appearance, won't smile, express feelings of hopelessness and helplessness, lose confidence, become irritable, and avoid conversations.
That is an accurate list. There are a couple of other signs that you might also look for;
💙 They get busy - trying to run away from their thoughts, they won't be able to sit still for too long, and they keep moving in an attempt to consume and control their negative thoughts.
💙 They become isolated - shutting themselves off from their friends, no longer wishing to leave the sanctuary of their bedroom, wanting to shut out the world.
💙 They won't look at you - they avoid eye contact at all costs.
💙 They begin to look pale - when in the depths of despair, blood goes to the centre core to protect the vital organs.
For me, the greatest sign that someone is in the depths of darkness is the lack of socialisation - no longer will they talk to anyone, nor will they look at your face when you talk with them. Their brain is telling them to do things to protect themselves - "Go and hide, go and sleep, don't talk to anyone."
Their brain tells them to do the opposite of what they should do. So, what should you do to help your loved one;
💙 Look after yourself first - you must be in a good place before helping others.
💙Don't try and fix it - you can't force someone to get better, they must want to get better.
💙 Reassure them - let them know that you are there, that you love them, and that you will do everything for them, in their time.
💙Be gentle - on yourself and on them. Guide them to seek professional help and offer to go with them if they want you to.
Bottom line, when in the depths of despair, we do not know what we are doing, nor do we think about the consequences of our actions. Our rational brain has long gone, we are now in survival mode, and we do not understand logic.
If in doubt, get them help.
Let's talk!
Will I Ever Get Well Again?
"Will I ever get well again?"
No two of us are the same, it depends on what caused your illness, how deep down you are, whether you need medication, your current environment, and the list goes on.
The important point - if you do nothing then there is little chance of recovery.
Seeing your doctor to get a referral, or directly to a trained psychologist/psychotherapist is the very first thing that you must do.
You can try other things - mindfulness, meditation, yoga - but without expert help as to which treatment is right for you, you may never recover.
The next step to take is to follow what you have been told. Other people and other things might help, but you have to take action yourself, it won't come to you.
Taking a pill might help, and you should do this if you are advised to, but waiting for a magic pill to work is not enough. The mind, body and soul must be treated together.
Some people get comfortable in the mire because it is known to them. They get comfortable waking up each day with the same thoughts, feelings and emotions so there is nothing 'different' to them.
The third thing to do is to believe in yourself, believe that you will get well, believe that you have the strength inside you to fight, believe that you won't go back to where you are now. Inner strength is powerful, more powerful than I ever thought it could be.
I was, and still am to a large extent, a sceptic. Believe no one, believe in nothing, believe that life just happens. That's not the case for all things, most things you do have some control over, the greatest control you have is over your thoughts. You can choose them, trust me on this.
The best explanation I have read about the mind, or our thoughts, is that our mind originates from our brains (yes, brains) working in unison to form our thoughts. The mind then operates our brain, apart from the automaton system. Therefore, you have the ability to control your mind, to control your thoughts.
Going back to the original question, "Will I ever get well again?" Yes, you will, or close to it. You may be weak and vulnerable in some areas, but other areas of your brain will awaken to support the weaknesses or vulnerabilities.
The bottom line is that you won't get well if you do nothing.
Let's talk!