The Fragility of Life – A Reflection from 22 Years on the Front Line
For 22 years, I served in the New Zealand Police.
As the lead crisis negotiator, I was often called to the darkest moments of people’s lives.
Moments when hope was slipping, when silence screamed louder than words, when you could feel the emotions, when life hung in a delicate balance.
I have stood in rooms heavy with grief, spoken to voices trembling on the edge and witnessed the rawness of human emotion in its purest form.
I have seen lives change in an instant, fortunately it was always for the better.
And through it all, I carried my own silent battles with depression.
I wore the uniform, but beneath it was a person learning to navigate his own storms, a frightened ever-present inner- child screaming for help.
Just lately, I find myself tearing up more often. Sometimes I cry.
Not out of sadness, because something stirs deep within me.
These tears are not weakness. They are proof that I am alive. That I feel. That I care. That I am here.
The years in service taught me that life is precious, fleeting, and unpredictable.
They taught me to listen. Not just to words, but to silence.
They taught me that strength is found in vulnerability.
Today, I use what I’ve learned to help others - volunteer firefighters, people labelled with a diagnosis, and those who feel unseen.
If my journey can help even one person feel less alone, then every tear, every sleepless night, and every moment of doubt was worth it.
Life is fragile. But in that fragility lies its beauty.
Let’s talk!
Think Twice; Speak Once!
🔨 As a builder, I was taught the mantra of ‘measure twice and cut once’.
👮 In my second career, as a lead crisis negotiator, I learned the mantra of ‘two ears and one mouth’ which represented listening twice as much as talking to truly engage with the other person.
👨🏫 Now in my third career, I coach people on a mantra combining the two – ‘think twice, speak once’ – when faced with someone who is in a heightened state.
What's a mantra that works for you?
Simple Techniques That Work!
It is sometimes suggested that the techniques we share are “too simple” to be effective.
Some people want me to go deeper, explore more complex theories, and uncover the hidden truths.
But, when it comes to our well-being, simplicity is not a weakness. It is a strength as countless research reveals.
Let’s talk about resilience. It’s a word we hear often, but one I use with great care.
Neuroscience shows that resilience is largely shaped in our first 1000 days of life.
It is formed through the development of secure attachments, emotional regulation, and stress-response systems.
As adults, we don’t build resilience from scratch – we support it through effective coping strategies.
And this is where simplicity shines.
Neuroscience tells us that our brain thrives on predictability and safety.
When we’re overwhelmed, the prefrontal cortex – the part responsible for decision-making and emotional regulation – goes offline.
What brings it back? The basics:
🍏 Food – Regular, balanced nutrition stabilises blood sugar and supports neurotransmitter function.
🏠 Shelter – A safe, calm environment reduces activation of the brain’s threat detection system (the amygdala).
😴 Sleep – Deep sleep restores brain function, clears out toxins, and resets emotional balance.
These aren’t just lifestyle tips, they are biological necessities. They form the foundation of mental health and emotional stability.
In my workshops, I focus on practical, accessible tools. Tools that anyone can use, anytime, anywhere.
Why? Because when life gets tough, it’s not complexity that helps us cope. It’s simplicity.
How often do we hear – it is the simple things in life that make us content!
Let’s talk!
The Emotion You See Isn't The True Emotion
😠 If someone is angry - is it that they are simply angry? Could they be frustrated? Tired? Or are they simply hangry?
😢 If someone is crying - is it because they are sad? Are they overwhelmed? or are they actually tears of joy?
😊 If someone is smiling - are they happy? Are they being friendly? or could they actually be sad or stressed, and are making an attempt to hide how they really feel?
💡 The emotion we see is secondary to the reality of what the person could be feeling.
Blinded By The Light!
Blinded by the light - often a challenge when presenting and a great metaphor for life.
Sometimes we stand in the spotlight, unable to see who we’re speaking to. We feel alone.
But connection isn’t about visibility. It’s about presence. It’s being in the moment, and being grounded.
A blinding spotlight and a sea of shadows. I couldn’t see a single face in the audience at the University of Auckland ASPIRE conference.
And I was nervous, I always am. I hope those nerves never leave me - for this is a sign that we are truly present.
You’d think after years of presenting, the nerves would fade. They don’t. But I’ve learned that nerves aren’t the enemy; disconnection is.
When you can’t see your audience, it’s hard to connect. But connection isn’t just visual. Connection is emotional, intentional, and authentic.
After the talk, many people came up to say how much they enjoyed it.
That reminded me of something important – we often judge our life by how we feel and not by how we are received.
If you’re someone who gets nervous, someone who feels that they aren’t connecting, someone who feels lost and alone, here are a few things that might help:
1. Breathe and move – slow your breathing and move by doing anything, it calms your body and mind.
2. Speak to one person, even if you can’t see them – talk with a friend who is not there with you, to someone who has passed, to a higher power.
3. Let your nerves remind you that you care – nerves let us know that we are feeling, that we are present, that we are alive.
4. Focus on presence, not perfection – being in the moment, being grounded, and awakening our senses brings us to reality.
To anyone who’s ever stood in the spotlight and felt alone, you are never alone. And chances are, you’re connecting more than you know.
We are better and stronger than we think we are, we just don’t know it.
Let’s talk!