Life Is Different For Us All.

Here are 10 things I learned about people in distress from my time as a crisis negotiator;

  1. Life can be hard - Life is different for all of us. What is challenging for one person is a joy for another. Never disparage how the other person is reacting to a particular situation, for them it is as bad as your worst fear.

  2. It's never one thing - There is always more than one thing going on in our lives, that's the way life is. Chances are if things are going well, there will be lots of good things going on in your life. Conversely, if one bad thing is happening, there's a high possibility that other bad things are happening simultaneously. And, when we are thinking about that one bad thing, we will be reminded of the other bad things which multiply that one thing.

  3. It's always something personal - Ultimately, what tends to take people down is something in their personal life, something that has stabbed them square in the heart, hurting them dearly. That is where the main difference occurs between each of us, what is personal to you may not be so personal to me.

  4. Everything seems insurmountable - It is difficult to envisage how distressed someone is if you have never been there or you are currently in a good place yourself. If you have ever had a frightening experience, regardless of what it was, imagine that same feeling happening to you continuously, without abating. Now double that feeling by thinking of another time when you were afraid. Now add something sad to those feelings.

  5. They are sensitive to the world around them - If I could identify one commonality with those I have spoken with who were in the mire, it is that they are sensitive to life. They feel with greater intensity, they ruminate over mistakes thinking of how they might have hurt someone. When someone shares a personal story with them, they take on the same emotions that the other person is feeling.

  6. It's the hardest thing that they will ever do - moving on from disappointments and from life is the most difficult thing they will ever do. We are asking them to forget their emotions, to bury their feelings, to dismiss everything that they have ever felt, to think logically when logic has long gone, to ignore their life.

  7. We are stronger than we think we are - Have you ever amazed yourself at how well you did when you took on a challenge? Are you in a place now where you had never thought you would ever get to? Do you have something that you never thought you would ever have? We are better than we think we are, we just need to remind ourselves of it. Continually.

  8. Only you can help yourself - People can support you, people can encourage you, people can assist you, people can give you ideas, but only you can help you. It is up to you, it is your life.

  9. Talking is not enough - We all have our crosses to bear, and sometimes we need to bare our crosses to help us move forward. Talking about problems does help, research is overwhelming on this fact. Unfortunately, talking is not enough to fix things, to make things right again, the issue will remain unless we do something about it.

  10. Change just one thing - The affected person has to take some form of practical action to start to make a change in their life. One little thing can make a big difference if it is done regularly enough. There is always something that they can do, even if it is burying what has happened by moving forward.

If you are finding yourself in a dark place where everything is overwhelming, change just one thing. Get uncomfortable, get selfish, get going. The sooner the better, trust me on this.

Let's talk.

Men Need To Hug Each Other More...

As technology advances, so does our understanding of the brain. The Mars & Venus differences of the 1990's have now been largely dismissed as we know that men and women think the same way, feel the same way, and process information the same way. It is the way in which we communicated that led us to the Mars and Venus conclusions. We then reinforced the stereotype because it was what we were told was correct so we adhered to that perception.

If you don't believe me, ask a man to tell you truthfully what he is thinking when he sees a puppy, a kitten, or a new-born baby for the first time. I'll tell you what he is thinking - "Isn't that just the cutest thing, gorgeous, beautiful". What comes out of his mouth - "If that dog pees on the carpet I will kick it outside", "That cat better not scratch me", or "Congratulations on your new kid, let's go and celebrate."

Science, through advances in technology, now shows us the true picture of what is taking place inside our brains. And we are mostly all the same, men and women, with just a slight variation being the circumstances into which we were born. Technology can also show us what we are feeling, our emotions. Emotions are something that all of us have, the exception being just a few people who were sadly raised inhumanely.

All of us have the same emotions, five of them in fact, divided into the following categories - joy/love/happiness, fear, grief/sadness, anger, and envy/guilt/regret. Notice how just one of them is positive, joy. The others are all negative which leads us to having a negative bias. This means we all have to work a little harder to remain happy.

So where did the Mars and Venus theory come from? It was the way in which we communicated that gave rise to it. Men communicated mostly from their left brain bringing unemotional logic to the conversation. Additionally, because it was uncomfortable for men to talk about emotions, they often went straight to the solution as a way of quickly end the conversation. Women use all of their brain - left and right - to bring logic (left) and emotions (right) when conversing. Yet we now know, and have always known intuitively, that men and women think the same way.

How did this happen, why did men stick to logic when communicating yet have always felt the same emotions as women? It is my strong belief that men learned to suppress emotions throughout evolution. If men showed emotion thousands of years ago, fear, we were killed by our enemies. If we showed love, we were ridiculed as not being 'manly'. If we showed grief, we were told to harden up.

Furthermore, why is it that women are underrepresented in depression and suicide? Because they talk about their emotions, they are unafraid to say how they feel, they communicate their issues to others. What do men do; they bottle it up, hold back their emotions, dismiss their feelings.

Communication began to change in the 1980's through medium, we no longer needed to talk face-to-face with others, we could send people a text message. This isolated us even further from human contact and made it easier to tell someone how we feel. Today, young men in particular, are unafraid to tell others how they feel. Often it is not done so in person, it is communicated through social media. They vent their feelings to the world only to later regret their actions which adds to their current struggle.

Men and women are so similar today in the way we think, feel, and now communicate. Young men are struggling with this concept of telling others how we feel yet it is a must if we want to overcome our struggles, we should be embracing it.

What else can men learn from women apart from talking about our problems, we can learn to hug. 'Men don't hug men enough' in my humble opinion. We once did thousands of years ago, if only to check to see if the other person had weapons hidden on them. Oxytocin is a strong chemical associated with bonding and is released when we hug, and oxytocin is known to have great physiological and psychological benefits.

So what can men do to help themselves - talk about their problems and hug, more so than they currently do. Men, tell others what you are thinking, tell others what you are feeling, tell others what you are considering. And, hug it out. Give your mate a slap on the back as you hug them if you want to make it ‘manlier’, just ensure that you hug each other more. A talk and a hug can do miracles to relieve your unwanted feelings.

Let's talk (and hug)!

When Should I Start To Change?

By now, if you have been following my posts, you would know that our brains are reluctant when it comes to making changes in our lives. If we are in a pattern of behaviour, it is very difficult to change because of neural pathways. These have been described as superhighways that funnel all of our thoughts in a single direction making them stronger.

Additionally, because your brain doesn't like to change its pattern of behaviour, it will try and delay you in making any change. How often have you said - "I'll wait until after Christmas", "I'll start on New Year's day", "I'll leave it until my birthday", or "I'll change when..."

You then continue with the unwanted behaviour, now even more so, knowing that you are going to make a change at a set point in the future. When the time to make the change arrives, it is now even more difficult to change because you have increased the strength of the neural pathway.

Our brains are crazy aren't they? Not really, they just want to help keep us safe from the unknown, to look after us.

Significant events such as holidays, festive events, and the beginning of the year are good start-lines to commence change. They focus our thoughts to a single point-in-time, get us mentally prepared for what is coming, and give us motivation on which to leverage off.

How about this for an idea, start right now, today, as soon as you finish reading this post. Wouldn't that be something to surprise our brain with, not knowing what is coming, sneaking up on our stubborn brain. Starting now has one big advantage over delaying the change; by the time the usual milestones of holidays, a new year, birthdays, or other 'when' comes around you will already have a strong start.

Know that your brain will try and trick you at 21 days, it will tell you that you have made the change, achieved your goal, got close enough to it, and to relax. Don't believe it, it's a trick to get you back on the old superhighway. It takes 60 to 80 days to change a habit let alone reach a goal.

While on the subject of goals, always have a goal. If you reach it, then extend it further or set another one. If you don't/can't reach your goal then alter it. Goals are kind of like eating chocolate - you desire them, work hard to get them, feel excited when you get them, feel empty when they are gone, you want more, so you work hard to get more. And the cycle keeps going.

I read somewhere that you should never achieve your goals, if you do there is nothing left so you will die! A bit extreme but mostly right. Goals are what motivates us, keeps us going, excites us, drives us. "There is always another 'mountain' to climb" is a quote to ignore when it comes to goals. Goals are not mountains, mountains are inanimate, set in stone. Goals are flexible, boundless, endless, changeable, renewable.

Don't wait for the 'when', don't wait for the right time, don't procrastinate. The time to change is now, right now. What are you waiting for?

Let's talk!

It's That Time of the Year, Again!

I am not going to wish you all the best this year, hope that you get to spend time with your family, lecture you on not drinking too much or driving after drinking, nor am I going to ask you to take a few minutes to think about those who are less fortunate and won't be celebrating in the same way that you are this season.

I leave that advice for others to give you and for you to decide, after all you will know what is the right thing to do. I am going to ask you to do something different this year, that's all, just do something different this year to what you did last year.

That is the key for me, breaking patterns. Each year we have traditions, and traditions are great because they remind us of good times in the past. It is said that the only positive memories we have long-term are of holidays and significant events so why wouldn't we want to reinforce those?

However, when we get into these traditions, we always expect the same feelings as we had last year. And, as things change it is never the same, we sometimes feel disappointed. Things change, everything changes, so why don't you?

This holiday season I am challenging you to make a change. I'm asking you to do something that you have never done before. I'm asking you to take a risk, to step outside of your comfort zone, to go outside of tradition, to make one change in your life.

Change just one thing this season, introduce something that you have never done before, no matter what it might be. See what happens, see how you feel, see if it challenges your norm, see if it excites you. I bet it does.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Break from tradition, disrupt that neural pathway, get uncomfortable. Make a change this year and watch what happens, the unexpected I suggest.

Happy change everyone.

It's Time To Bring Back Balance!

Life is so busy that 'life' can sneak up on you, so sneaky that you may not be aware it is doing so. If it jumps on you, 'life' can literally, change your life. Not in a good way mind you, in a bad way.

There is so much pressure around us - pressure at work, pressure at home, pressure to eat better, pressure to take on healthy habits, pressure, pressure, pressure. And this pressure builds up over time, slowly but surely.

Work life balance is not a myth, it's just that the scales are often weighted towards work. You can tilt it back.

Here's a simple exercise that you might want to complete that could help you swing the pendulum of 'life' back towards the good side;

  1. Write down each aspect of your life that is important to you - family, home, children, work, friends, sport, fitness, car, hobby - one word for each important aspect.
  2. Score each aspect - a score of '1' means that you aren't doing as well as you want to, 10 means you no longer have to get any better at it, you've nailed it.
  3. Look at the aspect that you scored the highest - then list the factors (what you are doing to make it feel that you are excelling) in that aspect - time, money, energy, enjoyment, passion, research, happiness, etc.
  4. What of these factors can you use to increase the score of an aspect in your life that you want to increase, to tilt towards - perhaps you could spend more time at home doing enjoyable things with the family if family is a factor you want to improve on.

A simple exercise like this can help to bring perspective to your life. It might show you that you are doing okay, or perhaps tip the scales back to being balanced if you need to.

Let's talk!